How can I get my shit together (long read)?

[Anonymous]

Massive whinging ahead*
When I was 13 I'd talk to older men ( late teens/20's) it carried on for years before I sought help to stop myself spiralling further. There have been close calls but the thing that really tipped me over the edge was when I adopted the "I don't care fuck it" mentality in real life whilst I was trying to detox from the online shit. This lead to me agreeing to be down for some friends with benefits shit. I have some sort of history with the guy known him for 13 years kissed a few times and he does tend to grab my ass a lot. I had expressed my concern about him doing that but he carried on and I stayed so it was my fault for letting it carry on. One time I was in his basement with two guys (my neighbour and a close friend). My neighbour tried to put his head up my skirt but I squeezed my legs together and said no but he managed to get up there anyways. I should've left after he let me go but I didn't. As soon as he didn't listen I felt as if I was in my room talking to the strangers again. It's like I was on auto pilot just numb and not thinking. I know how aggressive he can be (he's punched me pretty hard when I've pissed him off) I don't know why I did stay. Out of fear? He proceeded to kiss me but i pursed my lips and struggled against him. I can still feel his tongue down my throat. After my protests went unheard I just stopped struggling and thought if I don't think don't feel and just act it'll be over soon. Apparently I acted so well both people thought I wanted it. My neighbour blamed me for everything that happened. The day after i just exploded and ran off. My close friend came after me I couldn't find it in me to tell him how I felt. He saw it as teenagers being dumb and for the longest time I thought so too. When I finally told someone they said it was sexual assault. I don't really know if it was or not because I said I didn't care. I'm still on the fence. Lately I've just been depressed and I just want to go back to my old habits.

[RemoErdosain]

It was sexual assault. Regardless of what you decide to do about it, you should learn how to appreciate yourself more, and don't let people run over you. This doesn't apply to just sex. Learn to say 'no', and learn to pick people that care about you. It's not as easy as it sounds

[hobbledehoy]

She did say no. But it is a nice message. Men need to learn to recognize no, the issue is probably how much time they grow up ignoring and defying that word from their mother. Women deserve better. But selfimprovment is a good message.

[Asker]

my "close friend" said the exact same thing when as we left the basement. He knew about the sexting but I was in too deep to see I needed help.

[hobbledehoy]

Sorry what did they say?

[Asker]

@hobbledehoy that I need to learn to say no

[hobbledehoy]

You did say no

[COMMODOREII]

Once you accept the fact that it was sexual assault and you are right in feeling violated. Stop making excuses for those guys actions.

[Grkgod12]

Must be so difficult to deal with!

[mattmanyah2]

I've been in your shoes when I was 12 and it took till I was 26 to report it to the police since I didn't know what city it happened in it got dropped... I'm sorry it happened to you I hope you are doing well and prospering.

[Asker]

I'm sorry that happened to you are you okay now?

[mattmanyah2]

Yes and no it's not something that I dwell on. Id say that life is normal again and it doesn't own me I'm allowed to be happy. You know?

[Asker]

Yeah I get that. I'm fine when I'm out but I repress my feelings and it just flows out when I'm alone

[mattmanyah2]

Find someone to talk to about it. You are so much more than what someone did to you. =) I honestly believe that.

[eninning]

Don't put up with it they have no right to ruin your life, no means no, turn the little pricks into the law

[Asker]

It happened in December there isn't any proof anymore. The bruise healed from when he punched me after I told him to fuck off

[eninning]

Wow I hope that you were able to pick up on some signs of what to stay away from

[Asker]

Yeah I know how he is but I didn't think he'd be like that with me. He was such a sweet kid I have loads of memories of him taking care of me cleaning me up when I got cut giving me his jacket etc.

[eninning]

May I ask how old you both were when you decided benefits were ok?

[Asker]

15-16

[eninning]

Well that's absolutely terrible, I thought it was an adalt taken advantage of you, not saying that it's ok that he was a minor as well, though you might think there is no evidence of it anymore doesn't matter if you would feel better about getting justice stand up and shout it from the rooftop and be heard

[Asker]

I tried. But I got shut down when the close friend said I did consent to it and it was just some stupid mistake teenagers make. I told my cousin, my brother and another girl. The girl said it was sexual assault. My brother said he could talk to the guy and my cousin wanted the same thing. I didn't want to because what about after? It would just cause arguments. I love his mum she's the best and this would ruin everything.

[eninning]

Well you ever need someone who has went through some traumatic crap just hit me up and I can talk to you about what ever you need talked about for closer, its been years since my situation and already finished my psychology class in college, I don't know it all but like I said just talking about things can make a huge difference in your sense of self worth

[Asker]

Yeah I might take you up on that offer. I followed you

[Haelaeix123]

Going back to your old habits is a real bad idea by the sound of it, you need to either tell someone or let somebody monitor you to ensure you dont go off the deep end.

[Haelaeix123]

If you can't trust someone in real life then maybe speak to someone online, like a legitimate therapist or even if you make a friend online. Just someone you can talk to so you dont relapse.

[Asker]

Yeah I've been thinking for years about it all. I know its wrong I know I shouldn't go back and I haven't done it since October. I reached out for help in July/August but it keeps getting put off. I only earn £84 a week and my mum is hoping from job to job so we never have enough to set aside for something as "frivolous" as therapy

[hobbledehoy]

Yes don't call those men friends. but on the other hand look at guys in a group what they do to each other and call each other friends. Consent isn't on their minds.

[DiversityHire]

That certainly was sexual assault.

[DiversityHire]

It's really unfortunate the things you've had to go through, sadly I can relate.

[Reddwolf]

Hey I will be a good friend change your profile and follow and pm me

[Silence00]

Polythene bag.

[Asker]

I was considering it but I've been a massive sweat for over a decade. I'm not going throw it away