How can I get my shit together (long read)?

Anonymous
Massive whinging ahead*
When I was 13 I'd talk to older men ( late teens/20's) it carried on for years before I sought help to stop myself spiralling further. There have been close calls but the thing that really tipped me over the edge was when I adopted the "I don't care fuck it" mentality in real life whilst I was trying to detox from the online shit. This lead to me agreeing to be down for some friends with benefits shit. I have some sort of history with the guy known him for 13 years kissed a few times and he does tend to grab my ass a lot. I had expressed my concern about him doing that but he carried on and I stayed so it was my fault for letting it carry on. One time I was in his basement with two guys (my neighbour and a close friend). My neighbour tried to put his head up my skirt but I squeezed my legs together and said no but he managed to get up there anyways. I should've left after he let me go but I didn't. As soon as he didn't listen I felt as if I was in my room talking to the strangers again. It's like I was on auto pilot just numb and not thinking. I know how aggressive he can be (he's punched me pretty hard when I've pissed him off) I don't know why I did stay. Out of fear? He proceeded to kiss me but i pursed my lips and struggled against him. I can still feel his tongue down my throat. After my protests went unheard I just stopped struggling and thought if I don't think don't feel and just act it'll be over soon. Apparently I acted so well both people thought I wanted it. My neighbour blamed me for everything that happened. The day after i just exploded and ran off. My close friend came after me I couldn't find it in me to tell him how I felt. He saw it as teenagers being dumb and for the longest time I thought so too. When I finally told someone they said it was sexual assault. I don't really know if it was or not because I said I didn't care. I'm still on the fence. Lately I've just been depressed and I just want to go back to my old habits.
Updates:
+1 y
I can't trust people emotionally when I know them in real life. It's a constant reminder seeing my neighbour everyday. The 2nd guy was someone I thought to be my best friend. We were close for a few years. He told me he loved me and he would protect me like a sister but that day in the basement really shattered my trust.
+1 y
Basement guy is always making fat jokes at my expense just saying this is ugly or thats just fat. I get I'm not really muscular and I'm kinda pudgy. I don't really know how to deal with it anymore. I just get these lulls in my head and I hear him. I'll have dreams about him and wake up panicked because I thought I was in his house. Everyone has asked me since I was little why do you always talk and why are so you so loud? If it isn't silent I don't think I have something to focus on.
How can I get my shit together (long read)?
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