Finding a girlfriend today is difficult but finding one who's into BDSM is even harder? How do you do it?

[Daniel3035]

[englisc]

When 50 Shades Of Grey came out in paperback it was the fastest selling book of all time, beating even J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter books. The vast majority of those buying and reading that book were women. If there were so few women interested in BDSM that just wouldn't happen.

It's not hard to find women who are interested in BDSM at all, and you don't have to find them on kink sites. In fact sites like fetlife are terrible. Most of the people on there are complete fuck ups, and even worse they think they're the shit because they have so many desperate men constantly trying to get laid with them no matter how unattractive they are, the gender ratio being about 10:1 male:female or perhaps even higher.

When meeting women elsewhere, the trick is to know how to bring it out of them. They usually won't straight-up admit it to you or try it with you, especially if they're never done it before, for several reasons.

Firstly there's the obvious fear of being negatively judged for being kinky that they have. Women are very guarded about their sexuality whenever they feel like they might be judged because they are all the time, even for things that they shouldn't really be judged for. The only way to counter this is to be completely non-judgemental about such things.

Secondly there's the fear of safety. Even with normal "vanilla" sex women have to be careful about who they choose for that, they need to know that a guy will respect their boundaries and won't try to force them to do something they don't want to do. Never mind choosing a guy to tie them up and to do all other kinds of potentially harmful things (if done wrong/taken too far) to them, then they have to be even more careful. She needs to feel safe with you and know that you're not a psychopath. This is simple - just don't be a weirdo, and don't be too clingy or pushy about anything. With this and the point above, you basically need to just be chilled out. "No big deal". Also while you should flirt with her, be curious about her as a person too. Don't only talk about sex, which should be obvious.

Thirdly, she might not have done it before. In this case again, the previous two points will be even more important. She may have fantasised about it, but might have thought that it would remain fantasy. She might not have fantasised about it at all. Sometimes, as @juicyjessie said, they don't even know they like it until they've tried it. With a girl who has done before, you can talk a lot about your kinks, fetishes, fantasies etc. In these cases it's probably not a good idea to get too deep, instead it's best to start very light. Talking too much about more "advanced" kinks will most likely scare her off, even if she might enjoy them further down the line. With these girls you have to play the long game.

Lastly, especially if she's a sub (if you're looking for a Domme you're probably shit out of luck anyway to be fair, most women just aren't into that) you need to show a little dominance from the moment you meet. I don't mean barking orders or being a dick obviously, just simple things like being calmly confident, planning the date, taking the lead during, strong body language, good eye contact. Many women are only willing to be dominated by a certain kind of guy - that kind of guy.

[englisc]

One thing I'd do when I was single and dating in the early stages before sex, which related to the last part and especially part three, is screening to see if she'd be open to it in the first place and letting her know subtly and indirectly that I had a kinky side - or a "darker side" as my girlfriend put it - by making little jokes here and there. When you've been talking for a bit, now you're flirting or bantering back and forth - you start to throw out bait and see how she responds. I might jokingly tell her off for something, for example especially if she's playfully mocking me in some way, and tell her that she's going the right way about getting a spanking, getting put across my knee, whatever. Then I'd see how she'd respond to that. If it's anything but a negative response where she thinks you're a weirdo, she's probably open to some level of kink. If it's something more flirty, definitely. At the very least this plants a seed in her mind. As you get further along, you can perhaps begin to talk about kinks and you should do before doing these things. If she's never done it before, it's best to start light - just handcuffs and blindfolds at first. Telling her what to do in the bedroom - position etc.. A little bit of rough play. See how she feels about it, then go on from there gradually.

[Tx5969]

From my experience, it is hard to find a girl that is into bdsm, when the subject is brought up, it usually scares them off. The rare occasion I have found one, they are full on into it and like it rough as hell... or they develop feelings and don’t want to participate in rough sex... I like a balance but it’s not easy to find.

[Daniel3035]

Feel like if I mentioned it to her and she would be super into it she would be good since it tells us that she was looking for it.

[Anonymous]

Subs like me do exist, but sometimes we don't know we are until something happens. I did not find out until my partner gave me an extra hard slap on my bum. It hurt, but I loved it.

Just have to find a girl first, then see if it is acceptable.

[Daniel3035]

So your saying it’s more a case of meeting a regular girl and converting her i to that lifestyle? It’s not a bad idea it is a bit christian gray though (ps I hate it when people compare me to him)

[Opinion Owner]

Unless you find a group to join. Look up the word "munch".

[Daniel3035]

There's a few munches on Fet life well not till the virus is gone but yh.

[derek2017]

Dude I've been trying to get a girl who's into bdsm too! I found one at a rehabilitation center but other than that no luck...

[Tomsta]

What level of BDSM? Most women i know really dont mind bdsm

[Daniel3035]

Probably out of 10 a 9 I like gentle bruising.

[Tomsta]

BDSM requires partner trust you have to build that trust with people before that will allow you to go that aggressive

[Daniel3035]

The issue is how do you know what your building your trust on? If she’s vanilla your wasting both your times really.

[Tomsta]

To find someone willing to go full extreme bdsm is hard in general. They are out there but its rare Building trust with a partner will allow for the pushing of boundries in the bedroom

[Tomsta]

You dont know if she is vanilloa till yoi try. And if she is then you then make a choice aboit whether its something you can lool past. Lots of people breakup due to sexual. Incompatability

[Daniel3035]

Yh I see what you're saying someone has also said it's a case of starting off slow and moving up wich is how most things go.

[Twalli]

I don't.

[Hyper2]

It's not as difficult as you think. A lot of girls are into BDSM at some level , but they will only reveal it when they trust you.

[Daniel3035]

Could be the case but where I am in the Uk doesn't seem to be.

[Anonymous]

Nature and evolution made women harder to attract than men are

[Daniel3035]

... It's the opposite? Women choose the mate with the best attributes.

[Anonymous]

Try BDSM date, FetLife, Cuckold Contacts, Slave Selection, Collar Space and try many other dating sites.

[Daniel3035]

Bdsmdate was good until the site got spammed with fake girls in london telling me to go to this website etc. But try the others thanks.