PLEASE HELP. I cried ALL night in my guy friend’s bed after hooking up with him. I told him it was because I was raped before. Should I send him this?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry I let my emotions get in the way of us being friends. I wanted you to know why I was really crying all night. I couldn’t get it out, and it came out at the worst time. I regret telling you about my assault. I wanted to tell you for understanding and safety and so you would know there was reason for my hysteria all night. Instead you doubted and questioned me, but it was my mistake to be so vulnerable and tell you about something so heavy when we hadn’t even been friends long enough for me to tell if I could trust you. I only know sex as shame, abandonment, objectification. I’ve been desperate to find someone to listen and I thought that it could be you. I just was craving to be held and thought that at least I’d get one night to do that with you. I know it sounds like such a petty thing to cry about, someone rejecting to hold you, I mean you just wanted some space. And since you didn’t I cried because I was just like well here’s another man that couldn’t care less about me. The last time I was with a man I was raped while unconscious, and then before that I had been celibate 4 years, so I thought finally now I’ll get some love maybe. You were right to stop things because it was a lot of pressure on you. You knew I’m too fucked up to just have a normal hookup. And I came over because I was hoping to for something more before I was ready and I was disappointed so I cried. And I thought you were sleeping so I was embarrassed to hear you heard me. But the reason I’m saying all this is to say I’m sorry to have made you part of this. No matter how heavy my emotions were I let them get in the way of what could’ve just been a simple friendship. None of this is your problem, I know I have a long way to go with healing and loving myself as you said. But part of it felt like getting these words out to you because they’ve been stuck in me since I left.

[MrOracle]

You don't owe this guy this kind of explanation, and it's doubtful it would make anything better. He could have been more understanding, but, as you wrote, it was also a LOT to spring on him when you didn't have a more established relationship, so I can't fault him TOO much.

I understand that you wanted some real closeness - even for a night - but it's really not realistic to expect that from a hookup. You need to be looking for a guy who WANTS to be in a relationship, and who is emotionally open and available, and you need to be in a relationship with him, and you need to be comfortable enough with him to be able to tell him this stuff BEFORE you try to have sex together. He needs to have some idea of what might happen, and what he might need to do (many guys WANT and are WILLING to help, but they often have no idea WHAT to do to help, so TELL HIM that you may need to just cry and be held, etc.).

I'm sorry that these things happened to you - it wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it - but just like if you'd been in a car accident and had a badly-broken leg, you not only need time to heal, you also need some therapy to help restore normal function. I fully believe you can "walk again", but it will take some work and you're going to have to endure some pain and discomfort along the way. In the end, you'll be stronger and smarter if you can tough out that hard part.

[RemoErdosain]

I wouldn't open up to this person. If you told him about the assault and all he wanted to do is bail, he's not the right one. It is true that you looked for love in the wrong place: A hook-up is not a good start for a great relationship (maybe there are exceptions, but I'm sure most good relationships don't start like that). It is very sad to read where that was coming from, and I don't understand and can only imagine how terrible your pain must be to feel the way you describe. You're a great person, and you deserve someone who loves you. If you need a friend to talk with online or vent to, feel free to message me.

[Asker]

Wow thank you so much, this helped me.

[RemoErdosain]

I'm glad it helped

[Asker]

Do you think I should explain though, because I only said that I was raped the morning after, when I was about to leave. So it wasn’t the best time to tell him.. over breakfast when CNN was on..

[dwcl99]

I can't add much to what @RemoErdosian said so elegantly, other than that I am truly sorry about what happened to you. You don't owe this guy anything. If he truly cared about you, he'd reach out to you and ask if you're feeling any better today. But he didn't, so he's not worth your time. It pains me reading your note to him about how much of the blame you put on yourself, when that blame should be placed on the people that hurt you, not yourself. I don't mean to sound insensitive or anything, but I do think that you might find therapy helpful, at the very least, as a safe place for you to talk about everything that has happened to you, and as a place for you to begin to rebuild your confidence in yourself and to develop a more positive self image of yourself, after that self image has been torn down by so many others who have done you wrong. Good luck!

[Asker]

@dwcl99 thank you. I do realize I can’t help blaming myself. I just always think I should know better by now. Going to therapy is one of my major goals this year, I’m working on getting health insurance. My head is spinning with all this that I want to tell him, and I keep imagining me telling him this to let it all out. But he hasn’t reached out and it’s been two months.. so I know i should leave it unsaid. But I just want him to know why I was crying so much. If he hasn’t put it together that it was about The accumulation of the rape + him not being there for me

[Asker]

I hate knowing that he thinks I’m “crazy” or that there’s something wrong with me. He thinks I was crying because I don’t love myself. I told him I felt unlovable. So he said you have to love yourself. But he doesn’t know that I do and every day I’m trying

[dwcl99]

Wait, this was 2 months ago? Oh no, he's not worth any of the anxiety and stress that you're putting yourself through. If he was a true friend, he would have reached out to see how you were doing in all of this time. True, that does suck a lot about not having health insurance. I don't know what's available in your local area, but there should be some free sexual assault support groups, or other support groups. There may also be therapists who can see you for a reduced fee. Also, what does it matter what he thinks about you? I hate to be blunt, but I doubt that he has even given you a second thought these last 2 months. So here you are, torturing yourself over him, when he likely hasn't even given you a second thought. And so what if he thinks you're crazy. How is that going to hurt you? In the end, it doesn't really matter what other people think about you. All you can do is try to be the best, nicest, and most genuine person that you can be. If you know that you put good out into the world, then that's all you can do. You can't control what other people think, so you only control what you can do, and you should just try to put out as much good in the world as you can.

[RemoErdosain]

I agree with dwcl99. If the guy were worth saying anything else to, he'd reach out himself. You shouldn't explain anything

[MrNameless]

Don't unload him that text. Call him and talk to him about it

[0112358]

No. You have nothing to apologize for. Your only mistake was choosing someone who didn’t want any emotional closeness. You explained your behaviour and their reaction wasn’t encouraging. I’m sorry. Not all men will behave like that.

[Asker]

Do you think I should explain though, because I only said that I was raped the morning after, when I was about to leave. So it wasn’t the best time to tell him.. over breakfast when CNN was on..

[0112358]

I think you should invest your emotional energy in someone more compassionate.

[Laozi]

Yup.

[Twalli]

I would change the problem at the end to fault.

[CuriousMufuxka]

Go fuck yourself.

[loveboye]

😔😭 sorry for all that happened 😔

Don't worry I am your friend you can tell me your problems 🌹🍫
Now smile please 😊

[boyfriend1915]

It so sad that you selected someone to share your pain and love but he didn't accepted and due to which you cried whole night it really hurt deep inside the heart you explanation says how much pain you have inside your heart. I pray that you will find someone better whom you will love like he is your king and you are his queen. Best of luck and If wanna talk you can message me whenever you want. I will be blessed to help you.

[Asker]

Thanks for your kindness😢 Do you think I should explain though, because I only said that I was raped the morning after, when I was about to leave. So it wasn’t the best time to tell him.. over breakfast when CNN was on..

[boyfriend1915]

Nope now don't talk let him contact you