Can anyone give me advice on how to handle my GF’s past sexual history?

[Coolflow9]

girlfriend and I have been together almost 6 months. We are such a good match for each other and we love each other so much that we’ve talked about getting engaged sometime this year. However, I’m torn on one thing... We discussed our sexual history 3 months ago and I’m still having a hard time forgetting about her past choices.
Fact that she initiated sex on our second date led me to ask the question. She’s only 24, but she told me lost her virginity at 20/21 to the one guy she dated for 9 months and now I’m the 8th guy she’s slept with. I’ve done the math and since they broke up there was an 18 mo the period where she slept with 6 different guys including 2 one night stands (she invited the guys straight over to her apartment without meeting them), a two week friends with benefits (the guy told her he wasn’t ready for a relationship and asked her if she would do it) and the other guys she had sex within 3-4 dates.
Now I myself have had ONE one night stand and learned from it. She’s the 5th girl I’ve slept and I’m 30 with a 3 year relationship in my past.

When we talked about her past 3 months ago she cried and says she feels really bad about it, says that she genuinely liked the people she had sex with and wasn’t in it for the sex, but 3 months later and I still can’t shake her past decisions.

To me when you invite guys straight over to your place sight unseen you I have to assume she wanted sex. Is that a valid assumption?

What do I do here. Talk to her again? It’s going to make her feel like dirt I’m sure. Help help help please.

[loveslongnails]

I'm going to give it to you straight, no sugar coating. Don't be a fucking douche nugget, dude. YOU'RE the one with the problem here, NOT HER. You've slept with 5 separate women yourself, mr. judgmental. The only question you really need answered by her is "are you going to sleep with only me as long as we're together, engaged and eventually even married?" So let's say she says "yes, absolutely... I'm only with you now, and will only be with you if we marry".

Let's just say she enthusiastically utters those words. Could you forget her PAST? Are you willing to believe her and not live with the nagging feeling that "I might be marrying a slut" ? And would you believe her?

There's NO point in bringing up the same conversation again. Don't do it. It's selfish, and won't prove or help anything. You have to decide if this girl is who you want. If she's worth it, then you have to believe in THAT more than you believe in her past, and stop feeding your issue. She sounds like a pretty good girl, and one with a healthy sexual appetite that she might devote solely to you. You sure you want to throw that away? I can guarantee you the next guy will thank you for it !

My obvious advice is get off your high horse. You're not BETTER than her nor are your sexual morals better than hers. Once you truly realize this, you can stop lying to yourself and "shake that feeling" you have - which is called "self-righteousness".

[Coolflow9]

Thank you for not sugar coating it. How do you say that my sexual morals are not better than hers? I’ve never had a friends with benefits and only had 1 one night stand In which we at least went to dinner first before going back to my place. I realized that I couldn’t do that anymore and have never done it again. She invited guys over to her apartment sight unseen from online dating! I mean how do you know you actually like the person enough to have sex with them unless you just want SEX? Unfortunately I do think I’ve held myself to a higher standard.

[Coolflow9]

Also, her excuse was because she was lonely and I just don’t buy that. She’s a beautiful girl and could have gone on dates, invited guys over to watch movies after getting to know them a bit BUT set ground rules for no sex until it became a relationship. That is how you weed out the players that just want to fuck a girl, but she didn’t.

[loveslongnails]

Nothing you said makes any difference going forward. It's all about going forward. You are NOT better than her. But here's my advice base on your answer... Leave her. Get out. You are not the right man for her, or vice versa. End it now.

[Coolflow9]

I understand it’s about going forward and I’m all about forgiving mistakes if you learn from them. I think she might feel terrible for how she handled her dating life over the past few years unless she’s just saying that because she doesn’t want to lose me. That’s what I’m not sure of is where her values truly lie. Did she even realize that inviting a guy over for a one night stand wasn’t worth it after the first time? Apparently not because she did it again and it seems like every guy she’s just been remotely attracted to she’s fucked fairly quickly without even getting to know them. She says she’s not proud of it, but I don’t understand how she didn’t learn from her actions sooner and that they were going to lead to a lot of sexual partners and a slutty dating life.

[loveslongnails]

Like I said, since you don't understand it, or can't, then you'll never forgive it or even look past it. It will be your poison forever, so you should let her go.

[DWornock]

You could look for another girl. The problem is, her sexual history is less than the norm for 24-year-old women and likely is considerably below average. Finding a near virgin in her 20's is almost impossible in today's society.

Today in the USA, by age 18 or 19, most pretty girls will fuck almost every hot guy they date more than once or twice and often on the first date. And, although they won't admit it, likely that is a half dozen to two dozen hot guys every year except during the times they are in an established relationship and even then they may cheat if they think it may result in an upgrade.

[1828avaava1828]

People have pasts. The present is now! If you like her then everything is fine if you be the guy you’re capable of being.

if you can’t deal with her past, then let her go to a different guy who can

[Coolflow9]

Thank you for the encouragement. I know this is all on me as she is not the person that made those mistakes in the past. She’s completely committed, is SO honest about everything and wants to get married so badly. I just sometimes wonder how such big hearted person made those mistakes in the past. I would give anything for it to be flushed out of my head.

[1828avaava1828]

Thanks 🙏

[Anonymous]

You need to find what is making you feel this way. Is it insecurity? Or something else?

[Coolflow9]

Not insecurity. She just had me fooled for the type of person she was over the first 3 months by saying things like “I’ve only had one boyfriend of 9 months” or “I’m sorry I’m not very good at this” (in regards to sex indicating that she was inexperienced). Then I found out her past and it shocked me making it really hard for me to understand her motives for being “fairly” promiscuous not just once, but time after time. Almost like she never learned her lesson or regretted her past choices until she met me. So I’m not sure if she truly does regret her past actions or she’s just saying that because she doesn’t want to lose me.

[Opinion Owner]

Her motives? Maybe she just likes sex. She was obviously embarassed about it because society vilifies that.

[Coolflow9]

No problem with liking sex. Just wish she had more respect for herself and had more relationship sex rather than casual sex. To me is says something about someone’s values as to how sex pertains to relationships. Sex is something I believe you should only give to select people that are special. Sex is not separate from love. You can’t be in a loving relationship and not have sex therefore you shouldn’t be having tons of casual sex in uncommitted relationships. My opinion!

[Opinion Owner]

Ok then you two aren't compatible if you believe all of that stuff

[AustinMan]

You grow up and let it go. Leave the past in the past.

[Levin]

Aside from the circumstances, 8 in total doesn't seem that many. I thought you was going to say 20+. A lot of women have slept around, so it could be far worse.

What reasons did she give for sleeping with people so quickly? Every person has a past, went through bad times, and weren't in the best place. Mistakes and bad choices happen.

And why does it bother you so? I mean, why does it deeply bother you, not the PC answer.

[MrSlim]

The past is best left in the past. Dwelling on things like that never ends well. If you are both happy just move forward and don't look back.

[Coolflow9]

Thanks man. I’m trying my best and most days it’s not a thought, but today is a bad day. I know everybody makes mistakes and I genuinely know she’s a great good hearted person, but sometimes I just get so upset with her past decisions and it hurts is all because I could really see myself marrying this girl within a year.

[MrSlim]

I know how you feel, been there before. Just try and focus on the now and future. I did and have been happily married for a decade now. Eventually that conversation about the past will fade away from memory.

[Coolflow9]

Glad to hear that man. I’m doing my best. I’ve dated other girls in the past where things like this didn’t bother me, but I think that’s because I didn’t care about them as much as I do this girl. Hopefully in another 3 months I won’t think about it anymore.

[MrSlim]

Best of luck to you.

[TadCurious]

So how much penance do you want her perform? So she actually had a life before she met you; get over it.

[0112358]

Your sexual histories are actually pretty similar, suggesting pretty similar ethics of what you think is okay. And she showed sexual interest in you very fast - it’s not like she acted like those guys were hot and she settled for you. Seems like she likes sex and likes you. Are you sure there’s a problem here? Does she have a history of cheating?

[Coolflow9]

No history of cheating at all and is super committed hence she wants to get married so badly. I don’t have a problem with someone liking sex. I just wished she treated herself with more respect in her past and only had sex with people she was in a relationship with. Hearing about the casual sex is what makes me question her values. I can see messing up once and learning from it, but continuing to have casual sex with guys so quickly before she knows that they want to be in a relationship with her sucks. Most guys thought she was easy because she was and took advantage of her. Hell one of them even told her he didn’t want a relationship and she did friends with benefits with him for 2 weeks because she said she was hopeful he would change his mind! To me that’s being incredibly dumb or just wanting the sex.

[MackToday]

Listen up ladies this is why you don't do this sick shit. It will come back on you and it will come back on you hard.

[Coolflow9]

I’m not against women having sexual experiences before me as long long as they were meaningful and part of relationships. It’s the casual sex that they don’t think of one day having to explain to someone who really cares about them and who they really care for as well. It just sucks to have to hear about all the slutty things BOTH guys and girls have done in their past.

[Surely]

That is why it isn't a good thing to know your SO's sexual past.
If you can't figure out how to get over her's, you might as well get over her and find someone with a past you can handle.

[Kiran_Yagami]

Dude, if you can't get over it you can't get over it. Nothing I say is going to fix that. Find another girl.

[bigmamdan9120]

We all have a sexual past she's your girlfriend it shouldn't matter it's in the past

[Anonymous]

Are you sure the problem is her past? Or is the fact that you're 30 with a body count of only 5 more of an issue? Longest relationship being 3 years, and only 5 women... those were some long dry spells. She got laid whenever she wanted (which was apparently only every 3 months or so).

So it seems to me that you're not worried as much about her past, but more your LACK of one.