I'm ashamed I can't get her off, help?

[Buckzor]

So we're about 3 months in our relationship and at first we both got off around the same time and even together a few times.

But the last 3-4 times we've had sex (probably 3-4 weeks in time duration) she hasn't got off from either PIV sex (I don't last long at all), nor me giving her oral, fingering or rubbing her clit and she's had to finish herself off and it makes me feel really insecure about having sex in the first place (hence the lack of it) - along with general other insecurities.

I feel like sex is a benefit to me but a chore for her, i'm not confident or anything so I struggle to "take control" and she's expressed she loves that but it's so hard to do when that's the opposite of me, especially for sex. I don't have a "big" or "small" dick, right on average but an upward curve makes some positions hard to even thrust (also my hips are really tight too so that doesn't help).

I don't know if this is normal, but when she starts to really enjoy it (I think) - that's around the time where i'm ready to cum and she always says "don't stop" or uses her hands to help me thrust more so I don't want to stop and change positions to try last longer.

How do you suggest I go about this? How should I bring it up?

I'm really sick of not getting her off and feeling so shit about myself and sex because I love her and do want her to be satisfied, and I can tell she just isn't.

What should I do to be better in bed? I watch all these videos (not porn) and try to implement some things but it hasn't seemed to help at all.

I just want to get her off and know I did it myself, not only for my self-esteem but more importantly for her own sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

PLEASE HELP - I literally don't want to have sex at all because of this.

[Anonymous]

The obvious answer is to communicate with her openly. Hopefully she can tell you what feels good to her and what she needs from you. The rest of us can offer advice but we’re just guessing at what will work for her and everyone is different. If she wants you in control, that implies sexual dominance over her. Find out how far she wants you to go with that. Does she like her hair pulled? Her ass smacked? Talked dirty to? Sex in a certain position? If you don’t ask what she likes, then you’ll have to discover what she likes through trial and error. Also, if she can masturbate to orgasm, then you can get her there too. When you’re fingering her, talk to her. Ask her how she wants you to touch her. Ask what feels good. You seem pretty clueless about what turns her on. If you don’t want her to get bored with sex, then find out. Have an adult conversation.

[Buckzor]

I've already somewhat tried to ask her what she likes but there's nothing specific that she says. I know what she doesn't like (hair pulling/choking) she likes ass smacking and when I play with her nipples and kissing (which rules out oral since she doesn't want to kiss me after i've gone down on her). When I try and ask specific things she gives more vague answers and just says to "take control" which I don't know what that exactly means - and SHE knows herself best, so wouldn't the things she subconsciously does be the things she likes? She's like me and really vanilla, I know I turn her on through foreplay, she's always super turned on before we actually have penetrative sex. It's like she doesn't know what to tell me what she likes, or she really just cares about me doing what I want - regardless if that'll feel good for her too.

[Anonymous]

That's okay.. I think it's really quite harder for women to reach their orgasm and personally if my partner can't get me off, I wouldn't take it against him nor would I feel less interested in getting intimate.

If it really bothers you, maybe you could try to edge her. Tease her to build more tension before having sex. Plus it's only been 3 months. You'd learn more about her body over time. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing fine :)

[Buckzor]

I can't get her off once, what makes you think i'll be able to get her to around that point MULTIPLE times? Kinda doesn't make sense to me.

[Buckzor]

And it's already been 3 months, and I haven't made any progress in my mind about my ability during sex. The only thing I know I can do is turn her on.

[Opinion Owner]

Let's try this again.. Turn her on.. Tease her.. Make her wet.. Build up the sexual tension throughout the day.. Really I don't know how else to put it. The more sexually excited she becomes, the easier it will be for her to get off. You don't just jump in there and let your "ability" do the trick because let's face it, it took us years to master our own body so we don't expect men to have magic deeks or fingers. The deed itself is pleasurable, more especially if it's with someone we like.

[Buckzor]

She's always super turned on and wet, that's not the issue. I just can't get her off even though she's literally primed to do so. I really feel ashamed and embarrassed I can't get her off, I have previously but recently it hasn't happened and it literally makes me not want to have sex.

[Opinion Owner]

Does she masturbate without you?

[Buckzor]

She's said the only time she's masturbated while knowing me was the first few days after our first date because we couldn't have sex since she was on her period. Apart from that she hasn't to my knowledge since i've pretty much moved in and only spent maybe 2 night away from her in the last 3 months we've been together. I've masturbated like 2-3x in that same 3 month period.

[Opinion Owner]

More masturbation for you and less for her might help. Since you practically live together, you gotta step up your teasing and foreplay.

[Buckzor]

I don't tease, but I do a lot of foreplay. She's the one who brushes me off during foreplay and says to get the condom. I'm not sure how to tease throughout the day, what do I do and how do I do it?

[longtimenotagoodtime]

well firstly, a lot of women don't cum from the penetration. They can absolutely enjoy it but a lot don't orgasm.
Its all down to the clit or the g spot if you know what your doing.

So basically get used to eating her out or using your fingers to pleasure her clit. Most guys have sex until they cum, and then when you are finished you don't get to roll over and go to sleep. After you cum from PIV its her turn to lie back and let you pleasure her clit until she's done.

If you don't know what to do, just ask her. Girls know what they like. She will be more than happy to educate you.

[Buckzor]

Did you not read what I wrote? I tried oral but she likes to kiss during sex too so that's generally off the cards when I try. I've tried fingering/rubbing her clit but with little to no luck.

[Buckzor]

I did that today, came. Then went to rub her clit to get her off, she ended up rolling over and finishing herself off.

[lawhawk84]

To last longer there are breathing techniques you can try. It gets your mind off it and you won't cum as fast. You can also try masturbation first before you are going to have sex. The second round you usually last longer. Is this just run of the mill missionary you are doing? Try a new position, a new place. Explore your/her fantasies a bit. Maybe take her somewhere for the weekend. Also, use lube to lessen the feeling a bit and last longer too.

[Buckzor]

What breathing techniques? I don't know when we are going to have sex and I can't discreetly go and jerk off since I live with her and we're always at home. We are vanilla, missionary, doggy, cowgirl and a few others are the go to. I don't know anymore positions and I don't want to try something that will be shit because I know that'll immediately get me down and depressed. We can't go anywhere, and we went away recently for a couple days.

[CreativeMumble]

Honestly, talk to her about it. Maybe she's affected too.

Maybe there's something you can try.

Maybe you could go slow, back to scratch.

Maybe try to use sex toys together.

Explore each other again.

[Buckzor]

I don't know how to bring it up. I don't have experience to try new things and i'd be super awkward about them. She doesn't like slow, when I try do that she uses her hands to thrust for me. I'm not comfortable using toys at this stage. Explore how?

[CreativeMumble]

When in a relationship it is just super important that you're able to talk openly about those things. It might be difficult at first, but it will get easier with time and practice. I know it can feel scary to try new things when you're inexperienced, but listening to your partner and go from there is always a great start. But it does sound like she wants it rougher. You say you don't have the confidence to initiate and be rougher? WOn't her positive reactions help that problem?

[Buckzor]

I get that but I hate bringing up anything sex related because it's always me underperforming or being insecure/having anxiety. If I listen to her solely then i'll cum in like 2-3 mins max every single time and not get any better lasting longer. She says there's times where she wants it to be more romantic and drawn out and other times where she just wants a "quickie" and I can't tell the difference between the two and she doesn't really say which because it'll ruin the moment kinda. And a quickie won't satisfy her - I think she just wants to get it over with quick so either the sex finishes quickly or she can get herself off quicker rather than me trying for 10-15 mins with no success etc. Not really because being rougher and what she likes is going to make me cum even quicker and I hate that

[CreativeMumble]

You guys need to communicate in some way or another. People cannot read minds. If you cum too fast, then what about after? Can you go again? Used your fingers and tongue after you've cum while waiting.

[Buckzor]

I came, then spend 10-15 mins rubbing her clit from he position the likes. She didn't come, rolled over and finished herself off. The last time we had sex I gave her oral for around the same time before we had sex before she literally pushed me off and said "fuck me now" - same story, I came, she didn't.

[chriscdi]

are you adding any foreplay into that shit, like teasing and shit, dont get straight into it, gotta build her up first.

[Buckzor]

Yeah but she's the one to stop me doing all that and say "I want you to fuck me" and then 2 minutes later bam i'm done and she's still not. I don't know what to do.

[chriscdi]

then dont stop, her way ain't workin, now do it your way 😂

[Anonymous]

Some take a long time to get off
If it bothers you move on since it won't change