Girlfriend of 6 years has a super low sex drive?

[Anonymous]

When my girlfriend and I first started dating we had sexual intercourse Every time we saw each other 2-3 times a day

Fast forward 2 years. Sex down to once a week. I’m shot down every time I try to initiate more. Her reason: Really stresses with school plus we’ve been fighting. I’ll go back to normal once we get through this

fast forward another 2 years: All aspects of our relationship is good. No fighting, get a long , go out have good times together, make each other laugh till we cry, everything seems great except.. Sex still only once a week and I’m shot down when I try to initiate it more. Her Reason when I brought it up to her: I’m exhausted and stressed from law school. Once I graduate I’ll be better
For the last 2 years we sometimes go a month without anything sexual. Once a week on good months but she’s never excited for it. Seems like a chore when we first start but as it feels good she starts to enjoy it. I’ve tried so many things to get her excited and finally she tells me just now: I just pretended to have a normal sex drive at the beginning of our relationship so that you’d like me. I just don’t get horny often. And I don’t enjoy talking dirty with you over text or phone so that’s why I ignore you (something I tried initiation to maybe build up sexual tension for when we see each other later in the day)

Everything else is great about her but it’s causing me the following problems

-can’t stop checking out and fantasizing about random girls I see out in public (grocery store, gym, work.. ) I’m CRAVING the feeling of being desired. I miss it and I honestly believe I’ll never experience it again from my girlfriend.

-insecurity. She’ll still find other people attractive and yes I suddenly feel jealous since I’m barley sleeping with my own girlfriend. Her reason: I just appreciate good looking people but I have no desire to sleep with them. She even said her own 1st cousin is attractive.. what the hell? This pissed me off too

any advice?

[Anonymous]

I would have left her a long time ago.

I don't mean to be a dick here, but I don't even believe that her sex drive is that low. I think it has to do with her attraction to you or lack of. Or perhaps arousal would be the right word.

First, let's say that she isn't being full of shit and she actually does have a low sex drive. Why is that? It's usually down to hormone levels. So she had sex with you 2-3 times a day, knowing that she had a low sex drive, to get you to like her, and then decided to cut off the sex. That's a little fucked up in itself. She basically pretended to be very different to the way she actually is to get you to stay, without thinking about how this might affect you as it is now. She's still not even thinking about how it affects you now. If it's a hormone thing, which it likely is, has she had her levels checked? Maybe I'm wrong but I'm assuming not - she would if she gave a shit. Just based on those things I'd be out.

But I think she's full of shit, or maybe just doesn't understand the reason. Especially if she's talking about these other guys she finds attractive. Very often all that happens here is that the girl meets a guy who she sees as being good stable long-term boyfriend material and that's why she wants him to stick around, but she doesn't find him hugely sexually attractive. At first she'll have lots of sex to lure him in and then the sex will drop off eventually, and as you say it then becomes more and more of a chore for her. This usually happens especially after marriage, but sometimes before that. That could be why there's little sexual desire there.

You've obviously already spoken about this with her, and that's the first thing people will tell you right? "Just talk to her and tell her how you feel". When it comes to this, it NEVER works that way. You CAN'T negotiate desire. There are other things you can do to increase desire which might sometimes work, but negotiation isn't one of them. That's why it doesn't work. See how much she just makes promises about the future but doesn't really care to actually do anything about it?

Here's the fucked up thing that I'm likely to get a lot of shit for telling you, because it seems a little more sneaky than just talking to her about - WHICH DOESN'T EVEN WORK - the only thing that ever actually changed a woman's behaviour in these kinds of situations is if she can tell you're getting ready to leave her and the idea that you might find another woman.

What I'm not saying is that you should try to tell her that you're gonna find another woman, actively try to make her jealous, or give her an ultimatum. Don't do those things, in fact don't say a word. Actually prepare to leave, and as you do, start to better yourself in some way to give yourself a better chance of getting another woman if you do leave - because you want either her or the next girl to desire you and give you what you've been missing right?

Do you go to the gym? If not, start working out more. If possible, start dressing up more and wearing better clothes. Improve your look. This is what women do when they know they're gonna leave a guy - just doing that will give her the inkling that you're about to do the same. Not only that, by doing these things you're gonna look more attractive to her anyway, it's win-win either way.

I've been with my girl for longer than you, and for a little bit we were in the same situation. This is exactly what I did. I was genuinely getting ready to leave. Now she's always talking about how much she wants sex with me, initiating it, and afterwards telling me how much she enjoyed it. If any of that sounds bad to you, or I sound like an asshole, that's really your problem - it's time to stop being Mr. Nice Guy.

[Marilynjuana]

Women like that are often the ones taking their men for granted. Men have needs, often more so than women, landing a man with an existing sex drive and then begging him to stay is cruel. Nevermind, she manipulated him into thinking things would be different. What a lady. I agree, she’s full of it.

[Marilynjuana]

Break up with her, man. Sex is important, get out now before you decide to cheat, it sounds like that’s where your mind is going. 6 years is a long time but what’s worse is wasting more time and making a mess. There’s someone out there you’ll be more compatible with.

[Nachowedgie]

So basically she lied to you for 6 years, I'd break up right now dude

[Anonymous]

How did you and her first meet?