How to practice forgiving yourself?

[Anonymous]

Last Fall, I went to a hotel party, got really drunk, went to sleep in an all girls room, and my only memory is waking up to a guy having sex with me. It was my first sexual experience after being celibate for 5 years. when I “woke up” he was finishing.
I was still drunk and I ended up deciding to have sex with him again. I remember feeling like he took something from me and that was my way of getting it back. It only lasted five mins bc someone knocked on the door. Anyway, I went to confront him days later because even though I participated, I never gave consent initially. However, he said he came in the bed to sleep but I took off my own pants and initiated sex and he claims I wasn’t sleep the whole time (which is why I quoted ‘woke up’).

Since then, I’ve blamed myself for what happened. I shouldn’t have gotten drunk and I shouldn't have initiated sex with him the second time. I’ve run into him about 4 times, and every time I see him, I feel worse about myself. I just started therapy two weeks ago and my therapist told me to research how to forgive myself. Do any of you have suggestions on how I can forgive myself/heal from this?

[PrudentGuy]

My theory of forgiveness is, before you can forgive yourself, you must forgive the guy you wrote in the details.

Yes, you made it clear that you took it in yourself to be drunk and undress yourself.

But our mind is complicated. By virtue you can write the details, you have not fully let go that event and hence not fully forgiven him for that day.

Try this:

1) on the spiritual side, on a holy day, say a. prayer (doesn't matter you're not religious). Tell your deity you want to forget that day and start by forgiving him.

2) after that NEVER re-live that day again. If it surfaces, tell yourself "I am moving on and start thinking of another thing or say a prayer to forgive him and yourself.

3) after you no more think of that event and moved on, you would have forgiven yourself.

Finally, don't rush. Like getting out of a desert, it takes endurance and patience. Only after weeks or months, even years would you forgive him, let go, and finally forgive yourself. But the journey is worth it.

[Gwenhwyfar]

She didn’t undress herself

[PrudentGuy]

@Gwenhwyfar ok. Her words "I never gave consent initially. However, he said he came in the bed to sleep but I took off my own pants and initiated sex".

[PrudentGuy]

My point is, deep inside her, she feel the sex were unjustified because she was drunk and had no intention for sex at first.

[Gwenhwyfar]

I agree. I’m just saying, HE was the one who said she took her own pants off.

[PrudentGuy]

@Gwenhwyfar psychologically him pushing the "blame" to her push her further feeling more unjustified. My point is she has to let go of that incident. And to let go she must forgive him first. But him putting the blame on her made it difficult for her to do so. And she can remember the incident so clearly show her not forgetting and definitely not forgiving.

[Gwenhwyfar]

You’re not wrong. But forgiving something like that is really hard.

[PrudentGuy]

@Gwenhwyfar precisely it. Hence harbouring such hate is like walking in the desert. If the person do not put behind the past and keep walking with endurance to get out, the person will simply walk round and round and suffers the torment. The chain must he broken. And the first step is to be determined to put the past behind, forgive, forget and move on to real life. This is why if the person has a religion, it's easier. Otherwise, rely on a role model, get mental strength from there and start a new hobby, new outlook and never mention the past again.

[Gwenhwyfar]

He hurt her. Not always so easy to forgive.

[PrudentGuy]

@Gwenhwyfar maybe this what the Bible teaching "forgive your enemy, pray for them" means. I'm agnostic, but I find. myself free from emotional and psychological burden whenever I freely forgive whomever hurt me, including those who cheated me lots of money. By doing so, I move on in life and had new pursuits. My life start afresh and I start achieving new goals. Hence j suggest to Asker, outside the hurt. Let it go. Forgive, then set new goals and start life again. The future is more meaningful this way.

[EnglundUberAlles]

I'm not sure it's something you should research by asking random strangers on line. Maybe a book or something? Here's a link to get you started: THE SELF-FORGIVENESS HANDBOOK.

Not sure how you can forgive yourself when you've done nothing wrong but I hope you can move forward.

[wonderbug]

The truth is I can tell you it’s not your fault but you’re not going to believe that. At least not until you accept it as your truth. There really no specified cure that can help you forgive yourself. For me what it took is looking at myself in the mirror everyday, smiling at my reflection & telling myself it wasn’t my fault it happened, even though it disgusted me & looking at myself made me want to throw up. Every time I thought of a negative about myself I forced myself to think of 2 positives or reasons why I should be alive. I kept doing that until I stopped hating myself & I realized it wasn’t my fault. I understand what you’re going through I woke up to the guy that did it to me before he was finished & I didn’t say anything. Sometimes it still gets me, but it gets easier with time, help, & support from others. It sounds backwards too, but the more you talk about it openly the easier it gets.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Do NOT blame yourself. He raped you. Not your fault.

[i1T2daty]

Remember we are all connected and that some benevolent force supports us when we drop our ego.

[gibgabbs]

Do you believe in god?

[Bad_Man55]

I would think the first step is to not blame yourself blame him for taking advantage of you

[reptocarl2]

Are you tired of beating yourself up over it? If so then accept you’re an imperfect human and forgive yourself. If you don’t think you’ve beaten yourself up enough then that’s fine too

[gibgabbs]

Was he sober? Sounds like he might have possibly raped you... Yes you need to be responsible or else something bad like this could happen but he absolutely wronged you if you were drunk and he was sober enough to know what he was doing.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Even if he wasn’t sober enough. You don’t “accidentally” rape someone. Drunk driving is still your fault no matter how drunk you are.

[gibgabbs]

Well if both people are inebriated, then who consented? Did they just rape each other then?

[Gwenhwyfar]

The one who initiates sex raped the other one if she didn’t consent

[gibgabbs]

If 2 drunk drivers had a head on collision with one another, are they both responsible?

[Gwenhwyfar]

Not necessarily. Not if one driver is sitting in her car passed out and the other driver slams into her, which is exactly what happened here.

[loveboye]

So when you went to all girls room why did he came to sleep there?
And why are you worried I don't see any of your mistake. As per your description.

[Asker]

There were 3 of us females in the bedroom. I went to sleep around 4am. Apparently at 7:30 1 of the girls left to go to work. I didn’t even hear her leave. He said he came in when she left because he fell asleep in the living room area and was uncomfortable. I feel guilty for initiating the second time. I just feel like he’ll never see his wrong in what happened because I participated, and I was wrong for doing that.

[loveboye]

Stop blaming yourself and if you are not going to complaint. So move on and forget about it.