Sexual Relationships
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Husband of less than a year won’t pay attention to me or initiate sex?

Husband of less than a year won’t pay attention to me or initiate sex?
So here’s the ugly truth, we’ve been together for 3 years and married for less than a year. He refuses to initiate sex or any other type of affection. Every night it’s a different excuse. “Too tired, too early, back hurts.”


Its so frustrating getting turned down every night and it makes me want to just give up. I’ve never had an issue like this before with any exes and he’d honestly be okay having sex maybe once or twice a month. He is mostly focused on hanging out with his friends and bullshitting. The ONLY time he’s affectionate towards me is if he’s been drinking.

I've told him my concerns and how it makes me feel and he gives me “promises” to change and be more attentive but he never follows through. When I touch him or try and kiss him he gets irritated and annoyed and tells me to stop. When I tell him how this makes me feel he apologizes profusely and says that’s not how he feels at all and that he loves me. If he tells me I try and initiate sex too late one night I’ll try earlier the next night and he has a different excuse.

I hate feeling unwanted by the one person I want to be wanted by. I don’t think I’m unattractive, but I can’t help but feel insecure. I used to try to initiate every night but the rejection was so bad I only try once or twice a week now and I still get turned down. Right now it’s been 17 days since he’s shown any interest. This absolutely sucks! We’re both young. We should be in our prime right now. And before everyone comes at me saying he’s tired from work etc that’s not the case. This was still continuing when he was unemployed for 10 months and I was working 2 jobs.
What am I doing wrong? What would you do? When I do finally convince him (sometimes after begging if I’m very desperate) to have sex he enjoys it but only lasts about 15 seconds. What’s even more irritating is I’ve tried to buy toys to satisfy myself but he doesn’t allow it.
I dont want to be stuck in a relationship like this for the rest of my life.
0 1

Most Helpful Guys

  • First, I want to say, if that's you in the picture at the top you're very pretty. In fact, I instantly noticed you were very pretty. You definitely have nothing to be insecure about in that department, any guy would be lucky to have you.

    Secondly, it's hard to give advise to someone based on just a single post. There's a lot of complexities to relationships. You should take any advice here, including my own, with a grain of salt. There might always be things we don't know.

    Thirdly, it's fucked up and controlling that he doesn't "let you use toys to satisfy yourself." That is terrible behaviour and, in my opinion, he has no right to control you like that. I understand why you might want to not do that to keep the peace, but I just wanted to let you know I think that's unacceptable. it's your body.

    Fourthly, it may be that he's having some sort of mental issue. Some sort of anxiety or depression or something along those lines. Something he might be too ashamed to talk to you about. That would explain why with alcohol he would initiate. Alcohol tends to remove inhibitions and lower anxiety. It may also matter if this has always been the case or just since you've gotten married. Maybe you could try to be understanding and ask him how he feels about it? I don't know if he'll tell you, but it might be worth a try. Also, when you talk to him about it, were you angry? Could help to try to be calm if not but depends on what kind of guy he is.

    Other than that, couples counceling if he's open to it? Something like that? Aside from that, I think you've done everything that can be expected of a reasonable person. You've tried to share your feelings, talk to him about it, shown patience, tried to find different ways to please yourself, etc.

    And if nothing works, you have to ask yourself if you're willing to live with this for the rest of your life or not. I'm sorry I don't have a better answer.

    • I’m always calm when I broach the subject with him, normally it’s when I’m feeling rejected and hurt so I’m pretty down when I do. The anxiety depression thing is a good pointer, that could have something to do with it. I just wish he had the spark around me that he gets with his buddies. When he’s around them he gets really happy but whether he admits it or not he acts miserable around me. I’ve brought this up too and he swears up and down he loves me but that I’m just sensitive.

    • I definitely don't think you're just sensitive. Your reaction, in my opinion, is totally normal. Anyway, I hope things work out for you. *hug*

  • You seem to have done everything you can to make your sexual relationship in this marriage work, but to no avail !

    There clearly is something seriously wrong with his whole attitude to you and I can only surmise that he is either asexual, or is cheating sexually - sorry to be so blunt but I can't think of any other explanation why he constantly rebuffs you, it is every normal man's dream to have a wife/partner who happily + lovingly wants to initiate sexual lovemaking !

    It's very easy for me to say and very difficult for you to do, but I have to recommend that you sit down with him and ask him what the true reasons are that he doesn't ever want to make love with you -- and if you don't feel he will really, genuinely change, then you have to tell him that this marriage is over !!

    Your frustration, and deep hurt, will only get worse & worse, and if you don't move on soon there is a real danger that as time goes on you will end up being bitter, trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage with a man who is only concerned about his own wellbeing.

    • Thank you, this is everything I think about every day. I wish I felt wanted. I do everything I can to make him happy but it just isn’t reciprocated in in everyday life or the bedroom.

    • Thank you @Brelenarose for the MHO 🌹

Most Helpful Girl

  • When I first started dating my boyfriend we had unmatched sex drives. I wanted it every day, he wanted it as a reward for doing something successful at work or romancing me first.
    One thing that really worked to get him in the mood was to use my toys in front of him and make a show of it.
    By the second year of our relationship somehow his sex drive started to increase. I think it’s because I got him back in the gym so maybe his testosterone increased.

    • Thank you I’m going to try and do this

    • Let us know how it goes! If things don’t change there is a certain point where you have to decide if the lack of sex is a deal breaker, and if it is you have to decide if you want to divorce him, ask for an open marriage, or flat out cheat.

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 23

  • It seems pretty obvious that you have a significant incompatibility. That doesn't bode well for the relationship.

    Is he depressed? Is he taking SSRIs for depression? Either untreated depression, or taking SSRIs for depression, can be libido killers. So can exhaustion, but that's usually short-term and resolves itself after some rest.

    in my opinion, the two of you need some marriage counselling (IMO the only way you have a chance to save the relationship), or you need to divorce. You can't live like that long-term, and you shouldn't, so the question is: is he willing to work on the issue via counselling, or not? If not, then end it.

    • I’ve flat out asked him and he says he’s not depressed. He doesn’t act depressed, I’m the one that actually deals with a lot of depression. He’s a normal happy go lucky guy who loves being around his friends.

    • I can understand YOU being depressed given the situation - of the women I've been with in my life, even the girl with the lowest libido would still be miserable if I had such sexual interest in her, and most of the others would literally have gone insane without it. But this just tells me that the two of you have a very significant incompatibility here, and that is poison for the relationship. I don't know if he was always this way and you ignored that huge red flag, or if he pretended to have a higher libido at first, or if he's developed a video game addiction, but whatever it is, the two of you are no longer compatible if you ever were. Compatibility - not just about sex but many other things - is absolutely vital to the success of a long-term relationship, and without it, you can't make one continue unless you're willing to be miserable and unsatisfied for the rest of your life - and I wouldn't recommend that.

  • Simple

    Husband of less than a year won’t pay attention to me or initiate sex?Husband of less than a year won’t pay attention to me or initiate sex?

    • Trust me, I’m not blaming him. It’s myself.

    • You know the answer

  • "The ONLY time he’s affectionate towards me is if he’s been drinking."

    If he pays attention to you whilst drunk, that means he truly does love you, if nothing else, as alcohol removes all filters.

    You should feel good knowing that much, at least.

  • Aww, firstly you're very pretty, with a beautiful smile.

    Was the sex and affection lacking? I mean, was it there before you get married? If not, why get married? Just to ask a blunt question.

    The other thing is, what's going on in his personal life. Is he working? Does he keep a good routine? Does he take care of himself. Seldom do things like these exist in isolation.

    • always* lacking?

    • Yes we’re both working. And yes it was lacking but definitely not as bad as it is now. He would tell be back then that it just took awhile to “get used to it” but that he had a high sex drive too. I believed him and told him right from the get go mine was high and I enjoyed being touchy feely since that’s my love language. He was very reassuring that he was the same way. We didn’t live together back then so he told me once we lived together he’d be more comfortable to “do all the things on his mind.” I still have the messages 😔 his routine is shit, I can’t get him to brush his teeth ever because he says they’re already ruined. I do everything I can to inflate his self worth. I call him handsome, tell him how much I love his dick... pretty much on a daily basis. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong now.

    • Sounds like he's really let himself go? Something along those lines? And there's gotta be deep psychological reasons behind that. Though sexual activity is one thing, I don't get the no affection thing. I don't get how anyone could want to be without affection. I survive on that. He's not even affectionate? Does he watch porn, out of interest?

    • Show All

  • Must be some kind of personal issue. Was he more into sex before you got married or was it always like that?

    • Always like this honestly, but not as severe. Back then we would have it at least 7-8 times a month. Then it just got really bad. At one point we went months without anything. I’ve always been open about how I feel and my concerns.

  • I hate to say it but I just looked at your profile in the thoughts of picture of you then I'm sorry I believe of he may come out of the closet soon because you're absolutely breathtakingly stunning and He obviously is only thinking of himself he cares 0 about your wants or needs so I would just cut losses before there is kids involved but I guess if she's not screwing you then there's not going to be any kids. If you want to talk about it more don't be afraid to ask, I'm pretty open minded and don't mind hurting feelings if I think that you would gain from it in the long run

  • That's how my marriage was by that stage. It did change though. It went down. Now sexless.

    If you don't have kids, given you HAVE tried talking to him, you seriously need to consider divorce.

    • No kids, just dogs. I think with the amount of sex we have it would be a goddamn miracle if I got pregnant anyways hahaha

  • Maybe he became impotent and he's ashamed of you finding out.

  • he seems like a good guy but doesn't seem to know how to please a woman, just have one more deep and serious conversation about it with him and try mentioning that you are ready to walk out of the relationship, maybe that would help

    • I’ve done that before and was really honestly ready. When he thought I was 100% leaving him he fake on strong to me kissing me etc and actively trying to initiate something with me. After that happened it was the last time he did that and I haven’t been able to get him to do that since.

    • thats fucked up, he made you feel like he cared, maybe its time to do that walk, i know its easier said then done cause y'all been together for a year but if you really need those sexual connections and he doesn't seem to want to give them to you then maybe its time to just look somewhere else

    • Thank you for your advice, I completely agree

    • Show All

  • He may have have depression and keeps making the wrong choices to keep the depression going.

    "What’s even more irritating is I’ve tried to buy toys to satisfy myself but he doesn’t allow it."

    Get out. Now. Collect that alimoney while you're at it. It will not get any better.

    This is proof, that marriage means nothing in modern times. It's a piece of paper with legal complexities.

    • Thank you for your advice 🧡

    • You are welcome!

  • I've got a similar issue as you with my SO. Some people don't have the Higher drive as we do. I see it as we have a few choices
    1) live with it and get so much more irritable towards everyone.
    2) Keep the home life, but find an "outlet for our frustrations"
    or
    3) In the extreme case find someone new that is in more synch with us.

    • That’s where I’m at too

    • As we are in a similar boat care to DM?

  • Maybe if that's what works, get him on the piss more often

  • Maybe there's something wrong with his ability to rise to the occasion or sexually perform, and he's not having sex with you because he's deathly afraid of the judgement he will get for it. Maybe he does want to have sex with you, but he simply can't.

    How is his mental and physical health doing? Would he be open to trying any aphrodisiacs to increase his sexual desire?

  • Sex is very important in a relationship and its a fact women need sex more than men. Women even get hornier on their periods and they could benefit from sex
    Lack of sex and intimate time is grounds for ending it. As far as toys you should not be told wether or not you can or can't use them. I hope things change for you.

    • It’s such an important factor 🤙🏻

  • I'll be right over.
    :)

  • Not all men are sexual creatures, I almost became one of them before I had a certain transformation happen to me recently. So, my dear, some men like the one that you are with have a mentality of a crusty old man that does not like affection anymore even if they and their wives end up in a 30 to a 40-year relationship. So your siggy may be a very old and ancient relic in his heart and soul?

  • That sucks big time. Why doesn't he want to be sexual with you?

    • I wish I knew 😔

  • Leave him. If he can’t satisfy you, it’s better to not prolong the relationship and ruin your happiness...

  • Unfortunately the relationship won’t work

  • You need to get tough on him about it and if he still doesn't listen to you then, Your better off without him.

  • Show More (3)

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