Should I confess my feelings to this girl?

[Anonymous]

She’s a really nice person first of all she’s not like other girls. I like her a hell of a lot. We went on a date before but after she told me she didn’t feel anything romantic but liked me as a person and liked talking to me. I kept pursuing her because liked her a lot and I think I’ve started to like her even more now. We started to talk more this past week like everyday almost. One night she even sent me a snap that she was horny and a little drunk and she wanted to sext for a little bit. I wasn’t good at it and she knew for a fact but she ended up sending me a picture of her boobs and I sent a pic of my thing. She said it was some drunken fun. We talked the day after I didn’t even bring up what happened. A girl I was talking to about her told me I should tell her how I really feel about her and that girls like when guys make a first move. I’ve always been told by my guy friends to never do that because it’ll most likely push her away. I don’t want to lose her I’d rather much be just friends with her as agonizing as that would be than lose her all together. I don’t think I’m in love but it’s definitely something. If I were to tell her I don’t know what would even change because I doubt it’ll change her feelings. I think she lied to me last night too which for some reason just makes me feel shitty but I don’t know for sure. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Hey Bud,

I think we've all been where you are at one point or another. I KNOW I have personally. Let me tell you exactly what I'd wished I'd have learned earlier and hopefully it helps you.

First of all, telling her that you're really into her isn't going to help your cause. So in this respect your guy friends are 100% correct and the girls telling you to "tell her how you feel" are almost certainly steering you in the wrong direction. Not because they're trying to, mind you--they're just mistaken. And if you think about it, it couldn't be any other way. Why? Think about a girl you know who you find really unattractive sexually. Like you wouldn't even think about wanting to kiss her. Now suppose she's the nicest person in the world. Basically a Mother Theresa type of person. You might respect her more--you might even like her as a person. But does this make you want to sleep with her? Probably not. And it's EXACTLY the same with girls. You don't "reason" your way into their pants. You have to ATTRACT them.

That brings me to the next point. At the start of your story, you mentioned that you went on a date before and afterwards she literally TOLD you she didn't feel anything romantic. THIS is a problem. You need to figure out what went wrong here and fix it for the future (with or without this girl). So here are some questions for you: 1) how did you end up going out on this date? When did you ask her out, how did she respond at the time? What did you end up doing on the date? Did you have a goal in mind on the date? How did the date end? What was your post-date follow up? When did she tell you she didn't feel anything romantic? Basically, there's a good chance you had a shot because she was interested enough to accept your offer for a date, but on the date itself it sounds like you didn't do a good job of creating attraction so she didn't feel anything romantic towards you.

Next up, you mention sexting with her. To be honest--THAT sounds like progress! Why? Because she wouldn't want to sext with you if she had no sexual attraction to you. So what exactly did you do and how did it go? You said you weren't good at it. Why? It can't be all bad if she sent you boob pics. How did she react to your dick pics? When you talked about it afterwards, how did that conversation go? You want her to think of you as a sexual being and a sexual partner, so having her share nudes and masturbating together is real progress. You should let her know that next time you'll give her a live show!

Lastly, you said she "lied to you." About what? And how do you know?

I'd love to help if I can, man. Let me know the answers to those questions and I can probably give you a bunch more ideas.

[Asker]

Well im a janitor 21 and she was a teacher 23 where I worked she found out from a teacher that I liked her and she started talking to me more so I just one day went up after school was out and said I always thought she was pretty cute and seemed like a nice person and asked if she wanted to go out sometime. She said yea in a way that sounded like she wanted to but we ended up going to a bar and grill had a few drinks and appetizers. That was her idea by the way I was thinking movie and dinner but I liked the bar idea better after she said it. I didn't really know what my goal was this was my first actual date so I was trying not to mess up. The date ended at her house because she invited me over we didn't kiss or anything. She texted me on my way home saying thanks and that she wasn't feeling an romantic feelings towards me but said I was a great guy and wished she did. That Monday I went up and talked to her for a little bit after school was out. Regarding the sexting I think I fucked up so bad here because like I said I wasn't good at flirting with her she even told me jokingly and then she explained to me that when a girl says she's horny you should jump on it. When I was trying to say the right things she said she was basically turned off now but was having fun with this because she said some of the things i was saying was funny. I dont think she was being mean about it though.

[Asker]

When I finally started doing it right and she sent me that pic of her boobs and she wanted to see my dick I couldnt get hard anymore it was my nerves and it took me like 5 minutes to send one back and she said the momentum was gone and I tried to get a pic of her downstairs but she asked me after if id be mad if she went to bed because she was tired and I just said no I think I ruined it and she said haha no I had fun. I was not very confident I fucked it up so bad now it feels like anything she mightve felt is gone. The lying thing well I think she was actually telling the truth at least somewhat. Its been killing me ever since she sent those pics because I really feel like I killed it.

[Opinion Owner]

Dude--don't beat yourself up. One of the things you've got to realize (and it took me a LOT longer than I hope it takes you to realize this!) is that attracting the women you want is a skill that you have to develop with practice like anything else important in life. You've got to play the long game here, and that may or may not include this particular woman, but the lessons you learn will serve you well if you're open to learning. Also realize that learning how to attract a girl well makes you a better man and a better prize for the girl you eventually WILL get! So if you're open to all that and would like to learn, here are some of my observations on what you've described:

[Opinion Owner]

First off: congrats on getting that first date! That's a huge milestone, and something you should be proud of. It's the first of MANY in your life. Secondly, realize that the first time you did almost ANYTHING probably wasn't a roaring success, so you shouldn't be too hard on yourself that it didn't go 100% as you wanted it to. Third, for next time, you HAVE to have a goal for EVERY date you go on and a plan to achieve it. Not because that means you will, but it gives you a direction to aim at and afterwards you can reflect on how you did and either adapt your plan for next time or fix the way you executed on your plan or think through another goal. (BTW, it took me FOREVER to realize that I should have a GOAL in any date! lol!) So my suggestion for a first date goal is simple: get a second date! lol! Basically, if a girl goes out with me and when I ask her out again, she says "yes" that means that I've done a good enough job attracting her that she's interested in seeing me again. Basically think of it like a first job interview. You don't necessarily need to get the job--just get asked back for another interview. That means they like you. So how to do that? Well, for me I like to focus on a few things: 1) make her comfortable, 2) make her smile/laugh, 3) get her to talk and actively listen to her, and 4) break the touch barrier. From that perspective, your initial plan of a movie and dinner isn't nearly as good as her idea of a bar and drinks. So remember that for the next time you plan a first date.

[Opinion Owner]

Let me ask you this--on that first date how flirty were you being? What led her to ask you back to her place? When you were there, what did you do? That's generally a REALLY BIG green flag that she's in to you man! Were you touching her at all? Flirting? What happened?

[Asker]

I wasn't being very flirty I dont think I was more focused on not having a panic attack lol but im not really sure what led her to ask me to come back. I mean she said she liked talking to me so maybe that. I think I messed up here too. When we got there she started a fire in her fireplace and I sat on the other couch. Im not sure what we were going to do there but her sister came home earlier than she was thinking so we werent alone anymore. She asked me if it was alright and I just said yea i dont mind. Not going to lie I was kind of quiet after that because they would talk about people they knew or stuff they knew. They all 3 didn't just ignore me though. The girl I went on the date with tried to keep me in the conversation. We all played wii for a little bit and then talked more them than me. Im not going to lie I was kind of bored and I was on my phone a little more than usual but so were they so i didn't think itd be a big deal. I didn't touch her at all there or flirt really. There was like 3 times where she just kind of stared at me like she was looking me over but I just glanced at her and turned my head to somewhere else no fucking idea why I did that. I think it wouldve went so much better if her sister didn't show up. She lives with her by the way.

[Opinion Owner]

I see. Unfortunate that the sister showed up. Your date wasn't expecting her? I'll be honest--her inviting you over and starting a fire was likely a green flag that if you wanted to kiss her and possibly do more she was down at the moment. When nothing happened that probably made her feel foolish. Similarly when she started sexting you that was a second green flag. In terms of going in with a plan, do you think had you NOT gone back to her place (say you had a reason you couldn't) that she'd have been open to another date? My guess would be yes. Why? Because the date up until that point went well enough that she invited you over to her place. So she'd have probably been down for a second date. At any rate, if you DO get the invite like that to come over, you need to reassess what that means in terms of your goal. I think it's safe to say that if a date ends up at either person's place you need to at least get a good make out session in. Personally, that's why I'd prefer to at least kiss while out BEFORE ever going back to my place or hers. The reason is you want to already establish that physical attraction and touch barrier has been crossed BEFORE you get to one of your places so it's natural for you to kiss when alone and then you can work on other things! :P

[Opinion Owner]

So next question for you: when was the sexting event and how have your conversations been since then? Perhaps you need to ask for another date?

[Asker]

It was Tuesday and the day after she snapped me a pic of her drinking a smirnoff and we talked for a little bit but these past couple days we haven't really talked too much like before we were talking for a couple hours sometimes and when i text her she doesn't seem very engaged in the conversation. I get she could be busy or something but she hasn't really been giving me anything to keep the conversation going. Im running out of things to talk about with her. I actually did ask her for another date like about 2 months ago and she said yea but they closed the bars down and stuff because of covid and she didn't want to go out because she was worried about it. She told me she wasn't for sure if her feelings would change but would try to keep an open mind.

[Opinion Owner]

Got it. I think you need to get her out again. You're not going to be able to attract her by text. You need to get her out and have fun with her. Dancing is a good bet. That way you can talk and joke around, but you're in physical contact. It'll also make it easy to flirt and ideally to kiss at some point.

[Asker]

I dont know if she's going to want to be close to anyone right now because of covid. You know how I thought she was lying well she wanted to take a ride on the back of my motorcycle but then she gave me a reason why she couldnt and I think it was true now but at the time it didn't seem like it and then that night she told me sorry but since they reissued the stay at home order she's worried again and doesn't want to be that close to someone right now.

[Opinion Owner]

Hmmmm. . . maybe. Could also be that her lack of attraction is the bigger issue. As it turns out, if neither of you is sick and both of you are effectively isolating, there would be VERY little risk in her going on a motorcycle ride with you. If she were attracted enough to do that, you could probably get her alone again at your place (probably better than hers because her sister can't interrupt) and then you can play in private!

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for most helpful. I hope you manage to get freaky with the hot teacher soon!

[Zarapeachy]

Shoot your shot... whatever the outcome is you’ll be happier knowing you tried

[Twalli]

If you never make a move you'll be single forever.