Boyfriend always confuses emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been together 8 months now and we’re very happy and have the most harmonious relationship. We have a lot of sex and are very compatible in every area. BUT it feels as though he confuses emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy. It feels like he can’t have one without the other? Can anyone relate?

[DJB72]

Most young guys, and sadly a lot of older guys, can't tell the difference.

Society teaches guys that intimacy and sex are synonymous. The media reinforces the stereotype. It was bad when I was a teenager 30 years ago and from what passes for entertainment on Netflix its getting worse.

It's up to you to teach him what you need intimacy to be. Sometimes that will be sex, but sometimes it won't.

Set boundaries physically. Trust me, if you're asking this anonymously on this site you're not as harmonious as you think and your compatibility isn't in every area - like the area of intimacy, for example.

At 8 months you're in the honeymoon stage where the sun still shine out of his arse and yours.

Talk to him, but under no circumstances start with "we need to talk" because nothing causes a man's flight instinct like that phrase.

Also avoid "so where are we going" questions and never start the conversation after sex.

Good luck. If he's a good man then he'll be open to the whole question and you can have peace moving forward

[Asker]

I’m sorry what? Me asking anonymously has no relevance at all and yes we are very harmonious and in love. I also don’t need to be asking “Where is it going” because we are already together and know where it’s going. Thanks for your comment anyway

[PrudentGuy]

I think the few opinions before me are good. So I will try not to repeat.

What I like to bring out is the psychology of sex from the man's and woman's point of view.

In general, men take penetrative sex as expressions of love (emotional intimacy).

In other words, when he feels loved (emotional intimacy), sex is the ultimate climax he wants from his woman. Likewise when he wants to show his woman love, he expresses it in the form of sexual intimacy.

On the other hand, women in general desires emotional intimacy (like receiving flowers, hears "I love you", kisses, hugs, ...) over penetrative sex.

She expresses her love to him in many ways, including making him a sandwich.

Sadly, the two genders do not agree. What women want as emotional intimacy is mere "burdensome" chase and foreplay. Men just want penetrative sex.

I hope the above notes can help you see the difference and hopefully assist you define a more accurate meaning to your "emotional intimacy" and "sexual intimacy" between you and your SO.

[Anonymous]

OMG yes!
A guy I am seeing now he wants to be in a relationship with me, but I am holding off because of this! We have a lot of sex, which is amazing, but it seems like all or nothing!

I remember yesterday when i came over we gave each other a hug and he freaking penis got hard while we were hugging, and I was thinking like really. 😐

The other day we were in his kitchen talking about how we felt about one another and when I was telling him how I felt (which were positive things) I could tell he was getting an obvious erection. I’m starting to think we can’t have one serious moment without it turning sexual.

And it seems like when I don’t give in and have sex at that moment or if I pull away then he goes in his computer room and plays his game and basically ignores me.

[Asker]

If he ignores you because you won’t have sex, then you shouldn’t want to be with him! My boyfriend doesn’t push for sex when I’m not in the mood.

[ecfresh]

Sounds like he uses you for his sexual needs and doesn’t need you for his emotional needs.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah I feel the same way! This is why I did not accept when he asked me to be his girlfriend I said I need time to think about that.

[potatoiswhoiam]

It can be connected for a lot of people and many express their emotions through sex. So don't be too harsh on him for that, just accept that that's a part of his personality

[ecfresh]

What are some examples that cause that confusion?

[Asker]

There was one time we couldn’t see each other for a couple of weeks, but then when we texted for the first time after around 2 weeks he said all these lovey dovey things eg. “I can’t stop thinking about u” and “you have no idea how much I miss you” etc, but then he started with “I miss your wet pussy” etc.

[icewallowcome]

He must miss your wet pussy then...

[Asker]

@icewallowcome lol he probably does

[ecfresh]

It sounds normal to me. Maybe he needs to do a better job at focusing on your love language to fill up that need and shouldn’t be as willing to mix the sexual with the emotional. Correct me if I am wrong but it sounds like you don’t want to feel used and would have preferred to hear the emotional sweet words over the sexual words?

[Asker]

There were many many emotions sweet and caring words, but then it turned to sexual words. I guess I would’ve liked to have it remain sweet. I don't know

[Asker]

Emotional*

[ecfresh]

Like I said, it sounds like what you needed was you ‘emotional bucket’ to be filled in order to feel fulfilled and loved before he went sexual.. makes sense because as you said you had been apart. I am guessing had he been sweet for a while and you felt loved and cared for then you would have been more accepting of his sexual desire. From his perspective his emotional bucket was already full because you had exchanged sweet words but he needed less to fill it up and he knew that you loved him and missed him. So with him feeling fulfilled emotionally he was able to shift to the sexual because he felt horny and wanted to express his desire for you.

[Asker]

Yes that does make sense! I guess it makes sense when you think about how much sex we usually have

[Asker]

It could be too that he thinks it’s the correct progression from emotional to sexual

[ecfresh]

Also I just reread you example and you two hadn’t texted in two weeks? No wonder your emotional bucket was running so low! Had he been checking in and you all been in daily communication with him being away that emotional connection would have been much stronger and you could have felt more fulfilled over time. Now I understand why him launching into raw sexual talk that soon was such a turn off for you. Again he may have been ok with not speaking for two weeks and still felt good emotionally but it’s clear you wanted to strengthen that connection first and that you missed him after two weeks had passed.

[Asker]

No it wasn’t that he didn’t want to speak to me for two weeks. There was an agreement between us (it had a very important reason to both of us) and we were meant to keep it for a lot longer but he couldn’t help himself and broke the agreement by checking in, which was nice because it meant he missed me a lot.

[ecfresh]

I didn’t mean to imply you two were on any break. Simply pointing out because two weeks had passed you would have preferred he stay away from the sexual texts because you missed him emotionally.

[Asker]

And he missed me emotionally too because he was the one to initiate contact even after our pact. But generally you’re right, I would’ve liked to keep it emotional rather than have it turn sexual so soon

[ecfresh]

It’s all good. If he can do a better job at being consistent in speaking your love language and keeping your emotional bucket full then I suspect you all will continue to have a great relationship and great sex. I know this example was a one off but if it happens again just be patient with his wet pussy comment and let him know you look forward to the sexual talk after you all reconnect on that emotional level.

[madgoat]

I suggest to you that guys tend to demonstrate their love and intimacy differently to girls.
Your observation may well be right of your guy, but it doesn't mean he's wrong.

[Asker]

What do you mean he’s not wrong?

[madgoat]

I meant mixing emotional and sexual intimacy may be normal for him even if it seems odd for you.

[Asker]

It seems so

[Anonymous]

They are very intertwined for me as well. Why are you making an issue of it? He is different from you in this respect. Not better or worse, just different. The fact you are making an issue of it is rather concerning.