I don't know how to open up during sex, i'm stuck; please help?

[Tomsta]

I don't mean things like saying that something feels good (although that is part of it). I'm referring more simply to the actual act of sex. To me sex is in the head not the heart. I'm focusing on positions, angles, making sure it doesn't hurt her

There is no 'emotion' or passion going on. It's a clinical thing. This is something i have always done, i have never been able to associate emotion to sex. I am not religious nor was i brought up with sex being taboo

I just don't like being taken for a sucker, which is what's happened in the past, and before people have used their sexual attraction as a way to play me for a sucker. So i vowed never to let that happen again; however that has seemed to have worked a little too well and i've now gone from one extreme (wearing my heart on my sleeve) to the other (Keep everyone at arms length, even my own girlfriend at times)

I find it hard to communicate this to people as no-one ever seems to fully understand why i do what i do. I did what i had to because the alternative was not something i'd like to revisit

[archiz]

You should seek therapy honestly.
Other than that how is your relationship with your girl?
Is she very affectionate?
Do you let her be very affectionate with you?
You should let her in slowly slowly. You gotta trust that she won't hurt you.

[Tomsta]

I've been in therapy for around 6 months now, both me and her have issues when it comes to physical contact. She has admitted that she isn't fond of it; although she is trying to change that. What do you define as 'affectionate'?

[archiz]

Yea being more touchy and learn to express yourself more

[Tomsta]

Touchy is a bit of a touchy subject (no joke intended)

[archiz]

😅😅 And in therapy you haven't shown any progress?

[Tomsta]

In therapy it's tricky, we are still trying to find out what the crux of the problem is, i didn't go into therapy just for this specific issue. Only spent the past 4 sessions on this issue

[archiz]

Yea it's a long process Hang in there and best of lck^^

[ecfresh]

You have a girlfriend. Focus on building trust and intimacy with her. The more that builds the more the entire sexual experience opens up for both of you. You don’t worry about hurting her and the angles, it’s about pleasure and being tuned into her.

[Tomsta]

Trust is a luxury i can't afford. I don't trust anyone; i have my reasons and i have earned them believe me Intimacy is where i struggle to me is kind of an alien concept. Due to me not really experiencing it before in general it's not something that i try to have i've got through my life till now without it really so why would i need it now

[ecfresh]

Well then bluntly you are screwed. I guess convince your girlfriend to let you pay for sex when you want a physical release or just masturbate. If you truly can never trust again there really is no reason to even form a relationship. Hope that changes because 100% trust and 100% intimacy is the mountain top

[ecfresh]

by the way I’m not insensitive to the trauma in your past. Just tried to get to the heart of the challenge for you if you closed off learning to trust. Shit happens to everyone.

[Tomsta]

I have contemplated letting my girlfriend sleep with other guys

[Tomsta]

Trust is something that has being taken advantage of too many times, i am 'very' selective about who i trust. I tell most people stuff which is of little concern to me should they gossip about it (Which i'm sure they do)

[ecfresh]

That’s just normal. You should be selective about whom you trust. Trust is an earned commodity, if given freely it will be abused. But in a romantic relationship if you are never willing to trust your SO, you might as well just be friends

[Tomsta]

I've had my mental state destroyed by 1 person i loved already not willing to make the same mistake

[ecfresh]

Just one? Ya you will likely experience heartbreak again. I mean I hope not, I hope things work out but so many people have lots of heartbreak in their lives. I still believe in love and want to trust again and I had a relationship break after 14 years bro.

[Tomsta]

I gave myself fully to this women and she treated me as an emotional crutch, when she couldn't get the emotional reaction she wanted from her boyfriend she would come to me; i of course gave it to her. She was the first person i fully loved. The first person i had dreams of having a family with and marrying (Considering i hate kids that should speak volumes in itself) I never dated her and that's not what i'm angry about per say (she was already taken by the time i fell for her, i accepted that)

[ecfresh]

My original answer still answers your question. Forget the sex part because that comes later. And if you keep actively choosing not to do real work (google, advice from family, therapy, plan of a self improvement) and solve your trust issues then you will never feel sex with intimacy and love and that’s sad. Cheers

[Tomsta]

I am in therapy, my family aren't the right people to go for this kinda thing, tbh they contributed towards it. My mother was a bit controlling. Self improving is what i'm trying to do, but there are certain elements i just don't understand... yet Like the sex thing i don't understand it when people say "it helps with intimacy" because i think "Well that's stupid, you can gain intimacy via other means; ones that takes less time as well" my brain just can't compute the correlation between sex and intimacy

[Grond21]

May I make a recommendation?

[Tomsta]

Such as?

[Grond21]

Reading the book, 'The Way of the Superior Man' by David Deida. It's been very powerful for me

[Anonymous]

@aroundHere