My friends with benefits doesn't want me sleeping with other people... is this normal?

[RoseareRed]

Hi everyone! So my friends with benefits and I met last year after getting our hearts broken and we have built a strong friendship since then. At first we both agreed we weren't ready for any relationship stuff, so we just held on to the friendship and having sex. Before corona-virus, I was interested in maybe seeing other people just to live my "single-era" a little, but it also frightens me because my body count is only two people (counting my friends with benefits). I made a slight comment about this to my friends with benefits and he answered that if that is what I wanted to do, we wouldn't sleep together anymore cause he doesn't want have sex with a girl who goes around... Mind you one night I went out with my girl friends and we got drunk and I made out with a guy, I told him about it and he got mad saying that was disgusting and I should respect myself more...

I know for a fact he is still very in love with his ex, and he would take her back in a heart beat. So, this case isn't about him having feelings for me. I guess I am conflicted because I don't want to lose the benefits portion with him, but I also have curiosity of what else is out there.

Updates:

[AmandaYVR]

This is an interesting and complicated situation and you sound like a very reasonable woman. That was a very good summary you gave!

You've just illustrated that there are many potential reasons for a friends with benefits situation. Often times people may think someone is good/interesting enough to sleep with but not good enough to get into a serious, committed relationship with, but this is not the only situation, not even close.

Does he have the moral right to limit you from seeing other people? No, of course not. But otoh, neither of you is into sleeping around a lot, and that is a good thing. He apparently wouldn't respect you for doing that and I do think he probably has your (and his) best interests at heart. And then there's STDs, but presume you are using condoms and being 100% safe.

It's not completely clear, what you should do, but I think the fact that he called you "disgusting" for making out with one guy shows he is a very judgmental person, and that was uncalled for. I wonder if he is really worth even having as a friend? Maybe you should stop having sex with him. Sounds like he won't be the kind of friend whom you can talk to about your other future relationships (even serious, committed ones might make him jealous.) Are you just biding time with him now, until you find someone you like more/are more compatible with? Does this hinder you emotionally, and keep you sort of invested, somewhat, in him? This is very messy. Lying is not a great method, in any circumstances, but in order for you to get what you want right now (him + one/some new guys) you would have to lie to him, to keep status quo... and that is not good.

My advice? You are in your prime years right now, and while I don't recommend sleeping around/casual sex to that degree, maybe you shouldn't waste your time and energy on this guy. He doesn't have future potential with you, is hung up on his ex, and sounds pretty judgey as a friend. The only other option seems to be you can keep this situationship with him until you do meet someone else you want to have a relationship or sex with, then this must stop. You'll probably want to talk to him about it, how it goes, as a friend, but I doubt he'd truly be amenable to that. He's going to put you down and not like the guy, most likely.

[Davis04]

This is confusing! A friends with benefits is a relationship where the 2 individuals are just having fun with each without any strings attached. He obviously sounds like he’s attached somehow... tell him that you want to explore (you have every right to). It’s not like y’all relationship is exclusive. He doesn’t own you... plus his opinion shouldn’t matter unless he’s actually your partner (boyfriend).

Do what you want girl! Be happy and explore. Don’t worry about a guy who’s still stuck on his ex (red flag). If he’s not over her then he’ll obviously go back if she wants him back. Don’t get your heart broken. Ain’t worth it!! All the best though

[opnbuk59]

You know what did you expect there is no such thing as friends with benefits you all have feel for the con just another way for people to not take responsibility for their actions you want to sleep around just call it for what it is, trying to disguise it with a slick name is just that like saying you don't eat pork but orders a double bacon burger don't matter what you call it how clever you think you are by calling it something else a pig is a slice of bacon is pork chops is a pig never got why people got into relationships or marriage only to cheat start single be upfront like everyone wants the truth but not really people get more upset at you by you being honest over a lie, damn society is so confused don't even know which way is up anymore, ended why kids have little morals ethics about them damn parents are acting like juveniles themselves, got countries trying to create the ultimate weapon to kill us all, whole damn world is insane right now time for God to hit the reset switch try for the gazillion time, wow he really is patient up to me i just put s sign up in space pointing at this place saying there's Hope with s big question mark, and in tiny letters enter at your own risk

[Deformate]

The only logical reason for him not to eant you sleeping around is so as to minimise the contacts of std's and sti's being introduced into the dynamic. The fact that he feels entitled enough to degrade and berate you for doing what you want with your own body would indicate he feels he has a claim on you and you belong to him exclusively. Is it exclusive for him too? Anyways, he has no say on what you do and has no right to shame you for it either. If he doesn't like it? He doesn't have to continue the benefits part of the friendship.

[MrOracle]

Many people choose to have monogamous Friends With Benefits relationships, especially if they aren't using condoms for birth control. It's a good idea for preventing the spread of STDs. And many people just prefer to be with just one person at a time.

Obviously everyone doesn't feel that way. It's up to the two of you what rules you want in your relationship, and as long as you work that out between you, whatever you decide is fine.

[AustinMan]

I think he DOES have feelings for you but he is having a hard time letting go. I feel like maybe you tell him that if he wants complete exclusivity, then he has to find a way to let go of his ex.

[nonratracereality]

You're in a more than crossroads. You have the awareness that there is more to have enjoy and share. But as human beings we learn to be civil. Our decisions actions and actualities are to be civil. Our hearts and minds are two other factors. To be open minded requires the about to be real. But those who are seen as beyond are deemed incompetent because they dont care seem to care about feelings. There are those that are one on one, one on two multiple partners etc. So the fact that are analyzing this shows you are more than the average. Your standards will depict on how you proceed provided you meet like people not the ones who say one thing and do another. Love yourself and know knowledge is power and essential for successful outcomes. Like being smart and hanging out with an average person. How long will that last. You're the best thing that's happened to you. Also when assessing situations and incorporating people into the mix, use their brain not yours when ascertaining situations in which you think differently. Being smart will work for you but you must utilize variety otherwise it can get lonely but not for too long.

[dwcl99]

I think that he likely has developed some feeling for you, and as a result, he likely looks at the idea of you sleeping with other guys as kind of cheating on him.

He may also be afraid that if you sleep with another guy who may be better than him, then you won't want to continue sleeping with him, since the other guy is better, and he loses this nice arrangement.

Another thing that I'd be concerned about if I were in this guy's shoes, is whether you're going to get an STD from other guys, which will then put him at risk. Like if he knows that you're only sleeping with him, then he doesn't have to worry about either one of you getting an STD.

[wingattebaby16]

as the friends with benefits, he has NO say over what you do or dont do.

I have had FWBs and once had 2 at the same time. I DID NOT TELL EITHER ONE!

Go and enjoy who you are and dont' tell him. It is none of his business, especially if he is still in love with his ex... You are only a place to dump his sperm... that is what friends with benefits are for.

He is being a typical selfish guy and not wanting to share His Woman, yet I bet if a hottie came onto him, he would have sex with her.

[Bongem]

Three reasons I can deduct:
- he likes you more then just friends with benefits -> you need to chose
- he doesn't want to get possible STD's from accidents you might have. -> his problem
- he's possessive -> run and don't look

Perhaps others will find more reasons, but he knew what he was getting himself into.
About him being grossed out doh, that could be because he respects you more then he likes to admit and you are disrupting his "good girl" image he has from you.

[Weasly]

Friends with benefits is not something to give the other half of the agreement a right to influence who you sleep with. They are there to get you off when you need it & vice versa, as well as being a friend.

If he ex trying to exert more controle over you than that, then you need to have a talk about what the arrangement has become.

From how you described him, as others have said, it sounds like he probably has developed more feelings for you than your current arrangement allows for.

[Alpha09]

Yo move on from this dude. It's called friends with benefits, not "where a couple." It's one thing if he wasn't comfortable with you seeing other people because of the obvious std risk, I could understand that because some people aren't comfortable with it. But he literally said "YoU sHoUld ResPect YoUrSelF mOre" because you where doing what you have every right to do while single. Find someone who actually respects you and your right to do what you want. He's hung up on his ex and trying to tell you how to live your life. You could do better.

[chrissykerdock]

soon as corna virus my friend with benefits said the same thing he just wants to be with me... and I agreed to be just with him... I know he lives alone and he can be at my place in 10 minutes so it was good for me... and still is good for me... we don't go on dates but there's nowhere to go anyway but food stores... so it works out well... i'm in a shutdown city I understand a lot of cities have opened... as of tomorrow we'll still be shutdown.

[Dongtai]

This is common with guys. I don’t know how girls are about it. I’ve only had one friends with benefits. But a lot of my friends say their friends with benefits act this way. So yeah it’s pretty normal. Guys get really possessive about their partners but will have multiple of their own.

I’m not like this. But based on what I hear from my females friends, it’s very common.

[RJJ33666]

The concept of friends with benefits is that you have sex with a friend without any romantic feelings for a long period of time. He must have felt that since you feel like going to other guy he must not be able to reach up to your standards. Or he might feel that the relationship you both have might go bad if you go to other guys because he not involved with you in a sexual manner but he is also a good friend

[Reaperbot666]

Sounds like he does have feeling for you. But also not fully over his ex either. Let him know that if he wants you to be faithful and respectful to him. Then he needs to do the same. So you two either bleed to be a legit couple. Or your just going to do whatever you want with your life.

[Smashingdoozy]

I think the whole point of a friend with benefits is that you use each other for your sexual needs instead of sleeping around with people you don't trust. I wouldn't want my friends with benefits coming to me the day after his dick was in another girl. Defeats the purpose of it.

[chackskiz]

I think it’s like he said. If you want to add more people into your sexual circle, then it’s best you end it with him. Health risks are no joke. Who knows what the other person has.
there’s a reason why friends with benefits aren’t supposed to last long, because once you’re ready /find someone else you’re sexually interested in, they come to an end.

[Lost_Spark]

It sounds to me from what you have said, he wants to keep his options open. He doesn't want to fully commit to you in hope of getting back with his ex.

You are pretty much a bed warmer to him.

If he wants you to remain monogamous to him, he in turn should focus on you.

Don't sell yourself short, if you respect yourself, let him go! There are plenty of guys, maybe girls out there for you.

[Adam1978]

I don't do friends with benefits but I would say it's a way to get sex between relationships not really a reason to sleep around. You have a source right there why should you go around taking risks if it's not to find the relationship you really want. So yeah friends with benefits are not necessary the same as be allowed to sleep around and catch who knows what and give it to your friends.

[COMMODOREII]

No it is not normal. One thing about a fwbs relationship is that it is not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. If you find someone better or someone you want to be serious with then you can cut all ties with your fwbs. He has no say to your love life as if you are just that friends or single.

[CharlieDMX]

FWBs are not meant to last forever. That is rule number one.

Once you want your friends with benefits to be exclusive to you, the relationship has to end. Either to become a real relationship or to find someone else. You are in your right to enjoy your single years. Once there's a hint of jealousy or possession, it's over

[Anonymous]

A low body count is a sexy thing. That alone can mean you respect yourself. You wanting to explore with others changes his impression of you in a way, making him slightly disappointed because he obviously didn’t get involved with you to simply bang you. He wanted to explore you!

[loveslongnails]

Having an friends with benefits is secondary to having a real relationship with someone. Your friends with benefits is an "option", nothing more. If he wants you to be his priority, then he can tell you "don't fuck anyone else". If he won't do that, than you're free to do whatever you want, but you should tell him if you fuck someone else.