Is it okay if your S/O is SUPER rough and degrading during sex?

Question

This guy I like and he likes me back acts exactly like one of those degradation porn videos. He says he’s going to “use and abuse me and then throw me on the street” he’s asked me if he could slap me, he says he will “destroy my pussy” and he says “I know you’re not excited about getting it in the ass but you’ll have to. Maybe you’ll like it.” He’s said things like “I wanna make you cry” “beg for it” “be my slave” “I own you” “you’re my property” “choke on it” “shut up and keep sucking” “I’m gonna shut you up with my dick in your mouth” “you’re gonna get used and abused” etc.

I’m a virgin. This guy is much older and experienced than me. He wants to be as rough as possible during my first time. I just wanted to know if this is normal or if I should feel degraded when he says super aggressive things. I know it’s a kink and I want to satisfy and please him and learn about his desires but I just need advice on how far I should let him take this and when to draw the line. I’m kinda starting to feel a bit like a toy and a prostitute rather than someone he loves. Is this normal behaviour? I’m just so young and inexperienced and he’s my first sexual experience and I just need advice on all this as it’s very new to me. Thanks.

Is it okay if your S/O is SUPER rough and degrading during sex?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

This is something you need to learn, and you need to learn it QUICKLY:

Mutual attraction - the two of you liking each other - is NOT enough to make a viable relationship. It's a start, sure, but you must also be COMPATIBLE to be in a relationship together. People new to dating, and sadly, some people who are old enough and and experienced enough to know better, STILL don't seem to understand how vital compatibility is to the success of a relationship, but it is a MUST.

And once you accept that as being true, the next thing to realize is that, because you cannot change other people, you must find out VERY EARLY ON if you have compatibility with a person or not, and if you discover major compatibility problems, and you can't work out a compromise that you can both live with, then you need to move on - and it makes NO DIFFERENCE how you feel about them, because without also having compatibility, your feelings don't matter - your feelings won't save the relationship.

In this case, you've got a kinky guy with a very rough sex fetish, and that's fine if you also have a rough sex fetish, but you don't have anything like the experience to even know what you like. Further, it seems quite clear to me that this guy has NO interest in putting you and your needs first, and as a virgin, that's really important for at least the first 3-5 times you have sex.

I'm a guy who likes rough sex myself, but I'm still telling you that if you have a guy who isn't ENTHUSIASTIC about putting your needs first, then he's likely going to end up hurting you (physically and emotionally) and making your sexual experience horrible. The two of you simply aren't compatible in that way, at least at this stage of your life. Who knows - in two years, he may be just the kind of guy you are looking for, but you are NOT ready to him now, and he has NO desire to take it easy on you today, so I STRONGLY recommend that you break up with him and find another boyfriend. And this time around, think long and hard about compatibility, and ask each other lots of questions BEFORE you agree to date, and if you don't get the answers you are looking for, then MOVE ON and find someone else, until you DO get the answers you are looking for.

broken_heart_at_48 · Accepted Answer

Don't do anything you don't want to do and it sounds like he's not worried about your needs of feelings at all and is more excited about maybe his fantasy of turning out a virgin and this advice is coming from someone that loves rough sex and degrading my partner but she's into it and I didn't just jump right into it with her and she had plenty of sexual experiences. If you don't introduce her to it slowly or a little here and there for a couple times and then have an open conversation about her likes dislikes and limits she wants to push or limits that are a strong limit you run the risk of scaring her off then she's got a bad experience and won't be open minded or willing to explore her limits in my opinion a good sub and Dom relationship can't just be his way he has to enjoy taking you to places you didn't even know you wanted to see cause even if he wants to rape the willing by force type thing him making you be willing isn't you being willing do you trust he would stop if you wanted him to there has to be a total trust kind of thing and if you're asking strangers you're not there and he's doesn't really care if you're there or not in my opinion you're too young and he's not the right one for you to go down that road with and really you're not ready for that yet remember there's plenty of time for sex but there's only 1 first time so don't be in such a hurry

mrfoox · Accepted Answer

I think the more important question is: how does his behavior make you feel?
If you feel uncomfortable or scared, do not continue or let him do that to you. Some people enjoy these kind of things and some do not. It should be discussed beforehand, set boundaries, make rules and maybe even a safe word.
If you're not enjoying this then you shouldn't push yourself. Sex isn't just about what one person enjoys, the pleasure should be mutual

TMcCaa · Accepted Answer

You've got to experience having sex to begin with and move towards all that other shit.. for your first time he should be more considerate if I were you, I'd think a little more b4 i gave someone that part of me...

AustinMan · Answer

Tell him you want to experience the whole spectrum but the first time should be softer. Then we can start getting rougher.

Tdieseler · Answer

If its going to be your first time... that is not a good thing. but who knows... you may like it.

cahdee · Answer

I am rough and do degrading things to my wife. But i also give her my life and she is babied outside of the bedroom and she is the happiest woman youd ever meet. I was looking for exactly the girl you describe yourself as. Your first time is going to hurt anyways. I think you need to be with someone your age. Because you are so rare, a future hubby would be very disappointed if you do it with someone who doesn't appreciate you or plan to marry you. My wife is who you remind me of. Willing to do that stuff yet virginal. Please be careful. Someone is looking for you to marry

hsshannah96 · Answer

I don’t like it  but I don’t like sex  so

Penguino · Answer

He will abuse you because you are inexperienced. He will manipulate you into thinking everything he does is oke, while it isn't. Sex is about what you like. Don't let this guy do these things to you!

BlondeGoneWild · Answer

I find it super hot, as long as I don’t get really hurt like bruises or blood. As long as there’s none of that then he can be as rough and degrading as he wants with me

Metlahaed · Answer

Have you told him that for your first time you want him to be gentle? If not, you definitely should.

0112358 · Answer

Only a minority of people are into this and it’s not normal to accommodate a kink of this sorry strongly if you’re not into it yourself.

it’s also an absurd idea for your first time unless YOU are turned on by the idea.

if you’re theoretically in love - it’s fine for him to be into this stuff but if he even likes you he should give a shit about what YOU are in to, not just what he can get.

goaded · Answer

No. (A more nuanced answer is: only if you want it that way. But you don't, especially not for your first time.)

MannMitAntworten · Answer

This is completely some sort of fetish on his part. Thing is, this being your first time and his inclination to pursue this path with your first time... it could be traumatic. Especially since you are already questioning this whole experience. Not to mention from my own perspective from what you shared he is quite un-imaginarily tawdry, crudely crass, and quite frankly likely has little experience himself if he believe women get ‘excited’ hearing what you shared. Not even from a BDSM perspective is that crude nature acceptable from the “Dom”. I get the feeling your, “much older” boyfriend’s primary sexual experience may exist entirely on those, “degrading porn videos” you speak of. In other words, his own sexual experience might greatly exist in the palms of his own hands.

Rough/aggressive sex is one thing, but, “I will destroy your pussy...” “shut up and keep sucking...” Yeah, no...

I am aggressive in bed and usually I tend to prefer my women are equally aggressive. Neither of us ever say ridiculous nonsense like what he is proposing. ... and my women have been on the younger side, too.

Fuckin’ bizarre...

Idontevenunderstandh · Answer

Talk with him about it out side of sex

ThemmyLookinForLove · Answer

Do Better... or are posts like this your kink?

Agem123 · Answer

It depends on what you prefer. Personally, I like it rough. But since you're a virgin, I wouldn't fuck this dude, lol

Rob17792 · Answer

Your first sexual experience shouldn't be with a guy like that. It should be with somebody who's going to respect and love you not somebody who's going to degrade you during your first time. Dump him and find somebody else. Trust my advice when I say this.

simplelikeme · Answer

No...

JamesBlackDragon · Answer

Some people are into this stuff it was around way before porn was even a thing

sethtav · Answer

Not for your first time this is not good Later when you ready ya

Asadi · Answer

Well I don't think you should go that far with this guy, he seems to be of extremist mindset. Being a virgin I don't think you can handle all those painful things, rough and degrading sex needs a lot of trust and experience to enjoy.