I’m a very confused asexual.. someone help me please?

Question

Okay so I’m asexual. My boyfriend and I met online and he is basically almost the perfect person for me. Except he’s not asexual like me, I don’t think. I told him that I’m asexual. He did say he definitely didn’t mind me being like that. A few days later he said he watches bad stuff sommeetimes and that its one of his biggest flaws.

It keeps bothering me. The thing is he is pretty perfect for me in every other way, in ways nobody else is, so I really wish to get these thoughts out of my head because we are so similar it’s unreal... I can almost always tell how he is feeling in any situation, 99% of the time. We can read each other’s minds, that’s how similar we are. And he doesn’t want kids (which is the one thing i need in someone for sure lol) and he always calls me cute, adorable, all the cutesy stuff. And we are the same in terms of physical affection always wanted to hug 24/7 and cuddle to sleep.

I might sound stupid to the rest of you but I honestly have no clue about this kind of stuff but it keeps bothering me because I have literally no experience in sexual attraction and have no idea how it works and I know it’s normal, but I just can’t make it seem.. okay... in my head. I’m asking for help because I really hate these thoughts bugging me every minute of the day because I truly believe he is the one for me and he feels the exact same way and he is the only person ever that I haven’t had any serious doubts about in any other sense like wondering if he even likes me. I know he does.

I really want to be with him without constantly worrying about this so can someone please help me feel content with myself. So can some people still see others as cute and stuff and want to hug and cuddle them and LOVE them without all the nasty stuff? without necessarily wanting you know what?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

You're young, and clearly you've had no one to teach you this, so I'm going to take a shot.

You can have a short-term romantic relationship with someone based on mutual attraction (you liking each other), but you cannot sustain a romantic relationship without long-term compatibility. You've partially figured that out by making sure that a guy isn't looking for kids, but you clearly haven't fully accepted that sexuality is AT LEAST as important as that.

To put it simply, if you're asexual, you aren't going to be able to sustain a long-term relationship with someone who isn't also asexual themselves. You can ask them to sacrifice sex for you, or they could offer to sacrifice sex for you, but they're not really going to be able to do it, or if they do, they're going to be secretly miserable and they'll resent you for it. That's the harsh reality of the situation. And you can't change other people, and people can't change their fundamental nature - that would be like asking YOU to become sexual.

I know you don't want to hear this, and you're probably going to ignore this and give me a list of all the reasons why you want to stay with him, but none of that will make any difference - it's only matter of time before his sexual drives are going to come between you and you'll eventually break up in an ugly way.

Dating/relationships are not a solo show - they're a COLLABORATION - a team sport. You must both have long-term compatibility with each other, or the relationship won't succeed. Further, if a person is outside the mainstream on an issue, it's THEIR responsibility to recognize that fact and to specifically work to find someone they have long-term compatibility with on that particular issue. If you fail to do this, YOU will suffer, along with the other person you get involved with.

This isn't personal - I don't know you and what you do with your life doesn't affect me - but if YOU want to be happy, you'll need to commit yourself to limiting your dating pool to other asexuals. Of course, there are many other areas where you'll need to be compatible as well, but sexuality is a MAJOR relationship issue that is the #1 destroyer of relationships when there is a lack of compatibility - even ahead of money issues. If you want a successful relationship, you can't afford to get that wrong, and trying to date someone who isn't asexual is only going to waste your time and theirs on something that's doomed from Day 1.

0112358 · Accepted Answer

Yes some people are romantic but asexual. few, but some.

however people are romantic, chaste with their partners but watch porn are not asexual. They’re people who are repressed and cia their repression have attempted to create an unhealthy split where they live a partial life. Whether that neuroses is sustainable for years or not depends on the person.

MORPHEUS_12 · Accepted Answer

I truly think that if you maintain you Asexuality that he will get sex from someone or somewhere else leaving out. Sex for a young man is primal and he's going to fulfill that need either with another woman or with porn. Chances are he likely already has a budding porn addiction.