My boyfriend is oblivious, is there a way to help him?

[victoriaxoxo]

My boyfriend has always struggled understanding people. When we met he had told me countless stories about how people in the past have tricked him and toyed with his emotions. His friends would pretend to be his friends just to use him for free booze. The women he was into randomly seemed to change their minds on a daily basis.

At first I felt sorry for him but soon I realised that most likely none of that had happened the way he described it. From seeing him interact with other women (before me and him were just friends), quite often he would creep them out and they would look genuinely scared and run off, telling him that they’ll be back in a minute. He’ll genuinely stay there and wait for her to return, saying stuff like ‘hey, that girl was really into me, I don't know why she disappeared’. Before me, he was seeing this married woman for a couple of months, he broke it off once she fell pregnant from her husband but he still maintains that she has never cheated before and this was the only time, and she only did it because she was obsessed and in love with him. He says that because she once told him so and she wouldn’t lie... I have seen the emails they sent to one another and the chick pretty much ignored him whilst implying that they were just fucking...

OK, and now as to how it affects me. Sometimes he misreads my emotions so badly that it brings me to tears. Multiple times he has initiated sex when I didn’t want to and wouldn’t stop until I’m crying because he thought that we were role playing. I remember there was this one time we were having dinner at home and I was reflecting back on my cat who recently passed away. I began tearing up and he approached me and tried to pull my pants down to have sex with me... in his defence he said something about me mentioning cats reminded him of this porn we watched with this girl wearing cat ears and then he got too caught up thinking about it.

He is so oblivious that it is sad. Is there anything I can do to help him?

[0112358]

I suspect he's on the spectrum. If he would like to get better at this, I think the answer is -yes-. But while many people pick up reading body language and so on naturally, he will need to do it more formally. Like he will need to actually say "I'm going to read up on body language and facial expressions and get better at it". Your help would be great, if when you've been out, or watching a movie, he can check with you as he says "she was feeling X/this person was Y" and you can let him know if he's reading it right, the more he does it the better he'll get. But he has to want to.

[MrOracle]

I'm no psychiatrist, but he may have Asperger's - a mild form of Autism that is characterized by having trouble reading social queues and being awkward or distant or difficult in social situations. If that's the case, there may be ways to get help to improve the situation, or at least learn some coping tools.

[AustinMan]

Sounds to me like he's a train wreck or psycho. I'm not sure which. Is he worth a major investment emotionally? I see that as what it's going to take to help him. He also very likely needs therapy to get squared away.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Tbh there are certain things q guy can only really learn by modelling male mentors. What's his relationship like with his father? Does he have an older brother or guy friends who are mature enough to call out his B. S? Or us he just stuck in a negative feedback loop where his male peers/ superiors are equally oblivious?

[victoriaxoxo]

He didn’t have a dad growing up. Not for most of his childhood because his dad is apparently a narcissist who cheated on his mum. He has 2 other brothers but apparently 1 of them is super weird (he is 30-something and never had a girlfriend so maybe?). The other one is a religious fanatic. Again, never met them personally so hard to say. I often notice my guy calls people weird when they are actually pretty normal so who knows.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Yeah that sounds par for the course, all things considered. I'm no psychotherapist but it's pretty plain how growing up in such a family environment could stunt his social and emotional development. Boys without fathers often grow up awkward and maladapted to social situations. If he wants to fix those maladaptive patterns then it's gonna take some serious work and effort and honesty with himself. You gotta ask yourself if he's up to that task, coz you won't change a damn thing about his behavior if the locus of that change isn't inside of him to begin with

[JC103]

Sounds like your man is on the spectrum

[NYCQuestions1976]

It sounds like it could be any sort of combination of narcissism, lack of situational awareness, lack of empathy, lack of emotion, and/or general obliviousness. It sounds like he might be on the autism spectrum, like maybe Asperger's Syndrome.

[victoriaxoxo]

He does have emotions. He cries x2/3 as much as me. But it is just when he needs to read other people’s emotions, he completely misinterprets them. Men or women. Mind the fact that if I tell him that I’m sad then he will get sad too but it needs to be communicated, sometimes it takes multiple attempts. But crying or making a sad facial expression, being angry etc. somehow wouldn’t register in his head. He says that he is just blissfully ignorant. ’I’m a happy-go-lucky guy’, he says, ‘I don’t think about these things.’ Needless to say he doesn’t have many friends :/.

[NYCQuestions1976]

Understood. Autistic people can have emotions. They're not all robots. You're describing the autism spectrum perfectly. I still stick with my prior post, except maybe to add he might also be depressed and/or bi-polar.

[COMMODOREII]

Yeah an appointment with a psychiatrist.

[Mossberg500]

A woman can toy with (almost) any man's emotions. It's what their good at as a collective. It's certainly not easy finding that needle in the haystack girl. MEN know what I'm talking about...

[In_Trance]

No; he needs to help himself