Sexual Assault?

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Straight to the point I guess...

If a guy says you need to drink more to lessen your judgement and then when you’re in bed keeps touching you even when you’re moving away, or puts there hands down your pants and you have to use both arms to pull it out. Or if they take off their pants without knowing and places your hand on their dick, and kept moving it back when you moved it away? I could tell he was getting frustrated and truth be told I didn’t want him to be, and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt uncomfortable around him (known him for a year). He said that I needed to loosen up and go with the flow. We’d kissed before but that was as far as I was comfortable with, and as much as I wanted.

He said I needed to stop sending mixed signals but I knew I wasn’t and was clear with pushing him away?

I kept my hand where it was due to him getting frustrated and he put his hand over mine and began to wank himself with my hand, but I kept it there and continued for a few seconds before moving away. I stress that I felt uncomfortable. When I moved my hand away for the last time, he got pissed off and muttered something before turning around and sticking his head in the pillow.

I don’t want to make the situation sound more than it is, and that’s my concern. Just asking for views from Female and Male.

Thanks for reading

[MrOracle]

Was it sexual assault? Yes, legally, at the point where you said "no" and he kept going.

Were you leading him on and sending him mixed messages? YES! ABSOLUTELY, in your own words!

Let me make this absolutely crystal clear: you should NOT kiss and you should absolutely NEVER be in bed with a man that you don't have sexual feelings for. I have female friends, but we do NOT share a bed together. And it might be different if, say, there was an emergency and sharing a bed was literally the ONLY option, but otherwise, getting into a man's bed or letting him into yours is sending him a message: I want you sexually. It makes no difference what YOU think it means personally - it only matters that the world generally sees this as a universal sign of sexual interest.

To put this another way, you are trying to enjoy all of the benefits of having a sexual relationship with a man (kissing, hugging, cuddling, sharing a bed, and whatever else you've done with him) but WITHOUT having sex with him, knowing full well he wants to have sex with you, and that's wrong. That's called "leading someone on."

If you want to be "just friends" with someone, that's fine, but being "just friends" means that you don't get to lead them on or cross into the "sexual zone" and then be surprised that he's expecting sex. in my opinion, you need to grow up and start taking responsibility for your own boundary issues before you start complaining about other people's boundary issues. in my opinion, what you did to him was just as wrong as what he did to you, and it was all completely avoidable had you acted responsibility from the beginning.

[Asker]

As I’ve mentioned previously in another comment, I have had Male friends that I have been able to share a bed with (baring in mind I was fully clothed) without anything happening. We had spooned before and that was it and he was respectful beforehand. I think it is also important to mention that, sharing a bed with someone does not mean sex. Especially when it’s obvious in more ways than one that it isn’t going to happen. Maybe the issue is that it is a universal sign of “sexual interest” as you put it. We kissed, yes. And that was as far as I wanted to go, and made that obvious. He could’ve respected that, and he didn’t. I know I have responsibility for some of this, but it shouldn’t have gotten to where it did. Call me out if I’m wrong, but since when was hugging sexual? Sure it can be taken that way, but it should never be assumed that if you hug, sex is on the cards. And I made it clear to him before, I don’t do one-night stands and I don’t sleep around. That’s just me and he knew that.

[MrOracle]

I'm telling you point blank: you are wrong. You simply don't cross those lines (kissing and spooning and getting into bed) with "just friends." Just because you got away with teasing the lion in the past doesn't mean you are safe. You crossed way into romantic territory with those things, and, YES, that's how guys know you are ready for sex. Either you are very naive and sheltered - which I admit is possible but don't think is likely - or you are purposely blurring the lines that you know damn well are there because you can get almost everything you want while still denying him. That's cruel and it's wrong and it's deceptive. He made mistakes too - and I'm hardly perfect or above mistakes - but I'm making this clear so that you don't make these same mistakes in the future, or, if you do, that you have reasonable expectations, which in this case is that the guy will fully be expecting sex. When you don't maintain clear boundaries, these kinds of miscommunications and abuses are usually the result, which is why those boundaries are so important. My intention here is to educate, not to judge, but I want to make sure the message gets through. You can do whatever you like - it's your life - but at least have realistic expectations of the consequences of your behavior. That's all.

[pepperhicks]

He said "mixed signals" because he believed that kissing while lying down meant that he had a green light for sex. He is wrong. I am as horny as hell but one thing you either learn or do not learn early on is that once you make the move and the woman says "no," that is it. You take your best shot and if it is a miss, it is a miss. It does not matter if you feel disappointed, pissed, balls ache, whatever. This guy does not understand that, so it is best to steer clear of him in the least.

[btbc92]

That is assault and you need to report him to the police. Never be alone with such people. That is rape. This is why I tell people all the time stay out of bars, stay out of clubs, stay out of parties, don't be going out to eat places at a time of a day or night. And don't be drinking alcohol. The moment you saw all that you should have just walked away. That guy could have easily took it further and raped you. This is one of the number one reasons why I tell people do not have premarital sex before marriage, I don't care what you agree with, because the moment you get involved with such people then you end up in this mess. Because there's no boundaries set, no standards being drawn oh, and they think this is normal. This should be a learning lesson not to do this again. No more drinking, no more being around those type of guys, and I highly suggest you get some therapy and have the guy reported. Immediately. Because you're going to have a hard time presenting your case now. But you're going to have to do what you got to do. You got to do what you got to do for yourself because if not he's going to do it to other people and you're going to still live with this and you shouldn't have to. Write all of that down and keep it for reference of what this guy said to you. So for the next time you encounter such people, male and female, run. Don't walk. Run.

[Asker]

Not to be rude but this is crazy. It’s almost blame. Really negative view! I showed my boundaries, it was obvious I was not consenting. “No more drinking, no more being around those types of guys.” As I’ve said, I’ve known him for a year, I didn’t know what he’d do. I’ve never been uncomfortable around him otherwise.

[btbc92]

@Asker You are an adult now. You're not 6. You're not 12. You are not 15. You are a woman. What you doing is not boundaries. What you're doing is being passive that's why he took advantage of you. I am telling you this by experience as somebody who have dealt with sexual harassment as well and assault. This is not about putting blame. This is not about giving you that's negative. This is about letting you know that you have to be equally as accountable for your choices and who you choose to trust as opposed of saying it's not my fault. It's not about consent. It's about your safety. And you jeopardize your safety. A lot of these men out here did not really your friend. They looking out for your well-being. He's been around you because he wanted to sleep with you. And I'm pretty sure there were other signs that he presented that let you know what kind of person he was because sadly we all been normalized by this. You saw who he really was. A lot of them are like that and you were not paying attention. It's over all common sense.

[btbc92]

All of that that was going on with highly dangerous and inappropriate. No man who is not your husband should be touching you, trying to kiss you, try to do all those things. No man. And that is the one thing my late mother taught me since I was a child. Let nobody put their hand on you. I don't care if it's a family member, I don't care with a friend, I don't care for somebody you know. They have no business touching you, you don't let them touch you. Don't be picking up anything from anybody, don't be accepting offers just because you know them. Use better judgment. My late mother taught me these things growing up. I didn't follow everybody else's lifestyle I didn't care if they were my friends or not. When other people chose to smoke, drink, have premarital sex, and do you want for the stuff, I did not do them. Because I understood and I knew what situations will lead you. You all Who The Company You Keep. And if you have lifestyle ideologies that are unhealthy then you will attract people who equally or similarity shares the same ideologies. So if you think none of these things are a big deal, but only with consent, you attractive somebody who also don't think it's a big deal, but the difference is he doesn't respect your consent. That's the difference. When you have from boundaries by the lifestyle you live then they cannot judge you nor can they find loopholes to damage you. Because you don't accept it because you don't live it. That's why you have to accept responsibility and accountability when you become an adult. Because you don't know who you're inviting in your life. And not everybody gets a damn about you or care about your well-being. You have to care. Because not everybody's going to help you. And I'm only speaking to you because I care and I love you even though I don't know you. I've been through a lot of stuff myself. And I'm only speaking to you as if you was my own daughter.

[btbc92]

My age is irrelevant. I am the age that I am and I don't even do that. I am not nice to every single down body. I learn to respect them as I want to be respected back. But this they have lifestyle so I don't agree with I don't be around them. If I see conflicting patterns with people, I pull back. If I see that are responsible with their choices, I don't get in it. I don't care about fitting in. I care about doing the right thing because of my safety. Because it sounds like to me he was like that long before you met him and he was planning on that for year or more. That's how a lot of these people are the same with women. The point of the message isn't if you can't handle it don't get in it. It doesn't make you a coward or less of an adult just because you say no. Because once you make those choices you can't go back once you made them. You did not have to take a drink. You didn't have to trust him. You didn't have to go anywhere. It didn't have to happen. That's the point. It's preventable. Even though he was the perpetrator, you still put yourself in danger. Because God forbid you ended up killed if he wasn't in his right frame of mind. Then what? Be thankful to God you got out of there alive and it didn't get much worse than it already was. But it's your choice if you want to hop in those situations again. I can't tell you what to do it's your life, your choice.

[Asker]

God help your daughter. You’re actually one of those people that blame victims for a situation. I agree we all have responsibilities but none of this is in the least helpful. I’m not going to be thankful to any god, as I am not a believer. I thank you for taking your time to write this, but to me it’s just a lot of blame and a lot of “because’s” 🤷🏻‍♀️

[btbc92]

See this is the problem with you is the problem with a lot of you people. It's not about blame it's not all about you. It's about being responsible. You say you not going to be thankful cuz you're not a Believer but like I said you put yourself in that situation. I'm not one of anybody so don't loop me with other people. And I don't have no children. Because not about to me to me to make us now that says you're not responsible as a person. You're not being responsible. And you think you don't have to. Because if you don't think you don't have to then don't put blame on him when you equally chose to be involved with him.

[Asker]

Amazing response. Ever thought of joining the Samaritans?

[btbc92]

This is how I know you don't take life seriously. So how is anybody else supposed to take you seriously? You had a serious situation and you think it's a joke. No. But keep talking and thinking life is a joke and see where it's going to take you. Because I'm not the one who almost got my ass literally raped and killed that was you. Because if I was in your situation his ass would have been grass.

[Asker]

You need to look at your attitude towards life and other people. You don’t want to drink alcohol? Fine. You don’t want pre-marital sex? Fine. But don’t come on here or in real life and judge people for it. I respect your religion but don’t force it down others throats. Yes I had responsibility but you are literally the keyboard warrior who blames victims for getting themselves into a situation. Disgraceful.

[btbc92]

Unlike you I know better. But you think you're too grown to listen. Then something happens then you want to whine and complain. Because if you was so tough and big and bad you would have been able to handle him. Everything you want to say about me you better redirected to you. Because this is not about religion. This is about life. Because I'm certain you had been taught better. I had to be dumping it down your throat. You're the one that's on here asking if it's sexual assault. I ain't here blaming nobody. If you hear feeling blamed that means you already felt guilty for something and that's something that you already had one before you decide to post this up. I am certain you are smart enough to know better. That is the point I'm making parrots that you know better and you choose to do stupid. The truth is not meant for you to like it's meant for you to accept. Because what I tell you here on online is what I would tell you no different offline. I will not change my tune for nobody because they don't like the truth. Because that's how you got it in the first place.

[Asker]

Would you tell a rape-victim that they should’ve been tough and big enough to handle them? I’m not too “grown” to listen to anybody. But listening to someone sprouting negative and toxic views, sure I can tune them out. You’re as dangerous as the men you depict, in your own way.

[btbc92]

Because I'm not in those situations. I am living my life with little to no problems because I avoided people who are not going to be responsible. And if it meant I had to leave people like you behind I left you behind. Because those are your lessons you have to learn. And I'm not going to have that toxicity drag me down. Religion have nothing to do with it. It's your choices in life that do. I long checked my attitute when I was 21 sweetheart. I am now 28. I don't play those trivial childish games. I am no hypocrite. And that's what people learned the hard way about me. At this point I don't give a damn what you choose to do in your life. Because it's yours. But what I can't stand is arrogance and ignorance. You know why I'm as dangerous because it shakes your worldview and it makes you challenge how you choose to think of course I'm dangerous. No I make sure I know who I'm speaking to before I tell him anything. It sounds Mega to you because it means that you can no longer be allowed to be told you can't always get what you want or what you should we have or what with yourself. It's not toxic. It's reality. And it's not my problem you cannot accept reality.

[btbc92]

I have spoken to, and know plenty of rape and molestation victims. Victims of sexual harassment. Not just myself. Others who was similarly just like you. And it is always the same pattern. The pattern is it my life I can do what I want. Then when life hits you hard in the head about what you can't do then you're wanting about why you can't get and do what you want. And the answer is always the same. What were you doing in the first place. Because you gave a lot of cheap points that pointed that you were not thinking and your judgment as I said before. If you thought it was okay to be alone with him like that that was on you. He told you not once but twice red flags about the drinking and that didn't raise any bells to you? When you are intoxicated you will not be able to think coherently. If you did not know that before you decided to take your first alcoholic drink you now know the hard way. I don't know where you went to school at. So if you weren't paying attention in class you should have. And that is only my assumption. I know not to pick up a drink not because of so-called religion tell me too. But because it's unhealthy. And if you don't learn to mine your drink and what you can handle you're going to get drunk. Okay.

[btbc92]

I know better not to be in parties with irresponsible people because they ain't there to be babysitting you holding your hand. They going to smoke it up, some may be taking illegal drugs, all this could be shooting needles, orgies, sex in the corners, back rooms, basements, bathroom stalls and hallways. Some even get it on in the back alleyways and dumpsters. You think I am stupid? I have friends who parties. Friends who went to clubs and bars. They wouldn't even have me there. Because of that toxic lifestyle. Befriend the wrong person and you never know where you're life, not others, YOURS will be. They know who to target. They don't just target anybody. He called you because you were naive and unassuming. Lacking experience in some areas. To mold you into who he is. And you actually think I'm just trying to stump religion down your throat. I am giving you wisdom. You can take it or leave it don't matter to me none. And the only reason why I'm getting hard at you because you are smart you know better. I'm telling you as a woman to another woman you better get sober and wake up to reality. Wise up before you keep having the same patterns with men and God forbid grow to hate them. I'm telling you this by similar experience with men if not with people. Be happy I'm telling you because other people won't.

[Asker]

I don’t know which school you went to either but they certainly didn’t teach you morals or how to have a constructive conversation. I hope with the victims you knew, you didn’t treat them the same way as you are here because may whatever is above help them. As I mentioned, I have known this guy for a year. I have drank around him before, and I know my limits when it comes to drink. It shows how shallow you are when it comes to the whole “Because I’m not in those situations...” closed-minded views. Broaden your mind away from fiction and into reality, see people for who they are and not just for what they are. Also, stop with the condescending comments like “sweetheart”, it is truly embarrassing; especially when you keep reiterating how mature and old twenty-eight is...

[btbc92]

Key points* Re-read everything you wrote with the description of this question, and you tell me where I'm wrong? Because you're only proving my point. And let me tell you about the victims who are also spoken to. They all said they knew, they know I'm right, they wish they'd done better, how they will do better next time, and then I'm going to do those things again. You want to talk about morals you better double check yourself before you want to judge somebody parent I don't care if you had a drink with him before. I don't care if you knew her for a year or more. I don't care if you know your limits are not when you drink. Because by you just admitting all of that you better hope that you can answer those questions that's going to be presented to you because of what you just admitted to. You think I'm the one that being shallow reread everything you written then come back to me. Because not being close-minded, this is not fiction. You think your reality is a way how it is because you don't like the truth and told you. I'm sorry you don't like the truth but I'm only telling you as it is. I'll call you sweetheart because you are a sweetheart. Not because of condescending but because you are. But if you don't like it I won't say it again. But I'm not going to pretend like it's not a problem when I know what the problem. Because you won't talk about how somebody being mature I don't think any mature woman would be doing what you're doing.

[Asker]

I honestly don’t understand what you’re now trying to get across 😂 It’s all over the place, and your arrogance and disinclination to hear anyone’s else’s views but your own render this discussion completely pointless.

[btbc92]

Aren't going to do those things again* They change their lines around and never went through those things again where you're making excuses for the choices that you make. Adults don't make excuses they own up to their mistakes. That's where they win my respect and where you aren't. They changed. You refuse to change. Because everything you're telling me proves my point. You're contradicting yourself. And is weak. So congratulations. Just showed that you were not alert and paying attention. It ain't about views, it is facts. I don't care about bills I'll give you care about my views. I ain't here to try to prove I'm right, I ain't here for you to try to prove you're right. All I care about is the fact. And the fact is you were not alert and you didn't pay attention.

[btbc92]

What I have to say is not over the place. You just think everything is funny. What I'm trying to get across now is this: fool otherpeople but you don't fool me. That's all.

[btbc92]

Views* I don't care if you care about my views*

[btbc92]

This is why such men as your so-called friend do what they do and they get away with it. Because people like you have the power to do something about it and you choose to do nothing. Guys like him don't mess with women like me anymore, because they know I mean business and they know I don't agree with that lifestyle. that's why they stay away from me. Because they mess with me they know their ass is going to be landing in jail. But not for somebody like you. You agree with that lifestyle. That's why they like you. Men want sex, they don't care how they got to get it. He thought you was down for some and then got upset because you wasn't. You can bet he's going to disappear to avoid a lawsuit after what happened. Let alone avoid you and spread rumors about what happened. So I highly suggest you take this time off to think critically about what you going to do concerning the situation. Whether or not you're going to press charges against him, whether or not if you're going to go somewhere else, and whether or not at this is going to be a repeat. And that is all I'm going to say.

[Being_a_good_Indian]

Sexual assault is any sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Fondling or unwanted sexual contact (touching) is a form of sexual assault. In the USA, most people consider rape sexual penetration without consent. According to the FBI, “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without consent of the victim.” Rape is considered to be a form of sexual assault. According to the definition, a forced handjob is a form of sexual assault. Anything that is forced upon another person means that they didn’t provide explicit consent for the sexual contact and it is unwanted. Based upon this, I believe that a forced handjob is a form of sexual assault. It doesn’t rise to the FBI definition of rape, but it is still criminal sexual activity or criminal sexual contact that can result in a person being arrested for committing a sex offense by the police. I hope I answered your question. Any queries? https://10bsnq5-a. akamaihd. net/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/What-is-Consent-Separating-Sexual-Assault-from-a-Misunderstanding-. jpeg

[Asker]

He never penetrated me.

[Being_a_good_Indian]

Yup I already explained it. *"Anything that is forced upon another person means that they didn’t provide explicit consent for the sexual contact and it is unwanted. Based upon this, I believe that a forced handjob is a form of sexual assault."*

[Asker]

Yes, thank you.

[Being_a_good_Indian]

Anytime. 😊 You're most welcome Pink Anonymous.

[Red_Dragon]

Well that's definitely sexual assault. I was watching a thing on China and it was sad hearing all those victims talk about being attacked by the police sexually at the HK protests. It's vile, disgusting, and I feel like I should get involved.

[Mikelaughs]

I definitely have opinions here, but maybe we should talk about it where others can't see!

[Asker]

I’m fine with others seeing :)

[boredguy01]

I'm not sure if that would qualify as sexual assault but how he treated you definitely wasn't right and I would avoid being alone with him if I were you

[Asker]

I know it is cohesion but I didn’t know wether it was assault

[jgokgotit]

Removing hands is a pretty clear sign. You gave enough reasonable resistance. What he did is, legally and morally, sexual assault.

[jessicasissy]

Yes, it's assault if you're saying no and he keeps at it. I would have a question tho, if you're not wanting to do anything why in the world would you get into the same bed with him? This could be part of why he's saying to stop sending mixed signals. If you get into bed with a guy he's going to assume that it's on and will try things. Don't put yourself in those kinds of situations. Make it clear that you're not ready to go that far yet and then make sure you don't put yourself in situations that would let a guy know that he has the green light. Getting into the same bed is a big green light.

[Asker]

I have had Male friends I had been able to share a bed with, especially when we are close. They have never been inappropriate and I trusted he would be the same, because we had spooned before and he had been respectful. It’s not a green light, yes you can get in a bed, but that doesn’t equate to a green light. Unless you have consent. That’s what I was taught. That’s like saying if you kiss somebody, that gives them the green light for sex, it doesn’t.

[Asker]

Plus, I was fully dressed

[magiusX26]

yes it was sexual assault. avoid this douche. probably should call cops.

[Asker]

With what evidence? And it’s a complicated situation. I don’t want to pursue anything legal honestly

[bassinguy76]

That's sexual assault plain and simple

[Anonymous]

Sounds like sexual assault to me.