Sexual Relationships
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"Casual sex doesn't exist." Do you agree with her?

Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist.

2.11 min.Full version:
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I don't agree with her. She cited the study in which 50% of people who engaged in "hook ups" fell in, what she called, love. I would even call that love. It's infatuation. But could the other 50% just as easily be used as proof that hook ups don't lead to infatuation?
    I think it depends upon the individual. It also depends on how good the sex was. But it also depends on whether or not there is an emotional connection and if a person had any interest in a relationship at all.
    Sometimes sex is just sex. It's fun. It's enjoyable. It's a healthy recreation. It CAN lead to infatuation, but infatuation is not love. Infatuation fades, love grows.
    Sex can be like a delicious meal. We may say we love it and want to have it again and again. But that only means what we want to go back for more. It's not a connection. It's different from loving a person.

    • I see. So, from your experiences, you're not attracted to ones you have casual sex with? What was the feeling after the desire's met like?

    • You missed my point. I was simply refuting the "expert" in the video. I was never one for hook-ups. Almost all of my sexual partners were girlfriends. I picked them out and we dated before we had sex. It wasn't the sex that made me fall in infatuation. With all but one of those girlfriends, the infatuation eventually faded and I moved on. And my wife was a different story entirely. But I will say that I had a few casual sexual encounters in my life and the sex with those women didn't bring me any closer to them than before we had sex. They were just instant gratification like eating when you are hungry. The last thing I'll say is, attitudes and appetites evolve as you grow more mentally and emotionally mature. So no two people are the same and nobody stays the same. That's why I said it depends on the individual.

    • Now that I think about it, I think it would be really stupid and immature for a person to fall in love with someone just because they had sex with them.

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  • I do entirely. This is why I never engaged in hookups/casual sex. I did not want to make the emotional investment I inevitably would. Here is the insidious part. You can willfully force those feelings away and, as your number grows, you stop feeling them and lose your capacity to bond and love. Double standard alert. This is particularly true with women. Men can be players at 20 and be Mike Pence at 35. Women with high numbers cannot completely turn back.

    • Great. I have no idea it's true or not. That's why I avoid getting intimated with a man who's not ready to commit as well. I'm afraid I wouldn't be detach from the person, then turn out the opposite way to revenge men... and finally addicted to a casual lifestyle.

    • Exactly

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Erm... no, I disagree.
    I don't think this is the case for a lot of people. Maybe psycho-normative people with no issues experience these "powerful feelings of love and romance" after sex. But there are plenty of people in our society who engage in sex as purely a physical act and move forward to the next one. You can ask the people with "body counts" in the double digits... do they or did they feel a "deep meaningful connection" with all of those people? Doubt it...

  • I believe everyone develops a certain imunity to love at one point or the other.

    Unfortunately I can't listen to the video right now but i tried to gather what she said from other answers.

    My point is, sex doesn't trigger love. Now if you've never done it and then did it once the thrill you feel might be confused as love but it's not necessarily love.
    And with practice you eventually outgrow those emotions and become able to sleep with someone without falling in love them

    So yeah casual sex does exist. Maybe not for everyone but it's a thing.

  • Lmao no that’s absurd

  • While I agree with her point and the brain really does release these chemicals, it's usually not enough to trigger love on a one night stand, where as friends with benefits it's pretty common.

    Casual sex is definitely a thing though, that's why people have friends with benefits and aren't dating because if they did date it wouldn't work out.

    • Agreed. I wonder how long Oxytocin would last in people who have never bonded before the intimacy.

    • Well for some people hookups are so common they probably don't even release it, like I've met girls who've slept with 7 different guys in one day, to them it's probably the same release as using a sex toy and nothing more

    • Oh... That's... a.. lot. I just recall a word. Prostitute.

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  • There is no such thing as "casual sex." There is no such thing as "non-casual sex." There is no such thing as "any-meaningless-qualifier-you-want sex." Sex is sex. It is a physical act. I can call a sneeze a "casual" sneeze or a "romantic" sneeze... neither adjective changes the sneeze. It's still a sneeze. Calling sex "casual," or not, does not change orgasms, the chances of pregnancy, the chances of STD transmission, or anything like that. It's a meaningless term.

    • Okay. How about this? "I have sex with my wife." and "I had an ONS with a ladyboy I didn't realize she's maleeeee." ?

    • Uh... what about them

  • I absolutely agree. I have known this for a long time.

    • Let me guess, because you would feel connected or attracted to the person you are intimate with?

    • Of course I would! How could I possibly have sex with someone and not feel connected to them?

    • I'm afraid I would feel that too, but I don't know if I absolutely agree with her. I'm interested in her theories about hormones. Alas, some people use that info to trick others to fall for them. It works for a while, and finally when the hormones get down to the normal level, they think they don't love the partner anymore. They stop developing meaningful attachment, but look for a new one instead. That's sad.

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  • She never studied the Roman Empire I am guessing. It was in the religious beliefs that men were to penetrate and women were to get penetrated. So casual sex was everywhere.

    • That's new to me. I only knew that the practice was common, and old men coupled up with young men as well. If I'm not wrong. Boys were even more popular than women in that age.

    • Yes you are correct they coupled with young boys often their slaves. It was a practice to help them with their penetrating.

  • iv agreed with this for years

  • She is not wrong but I think there is more to it than that. She seems to be that kind of scientist that believes behaviors are just a matter of chemicals and I think behaviors are much more complex than simple doses or balances of chemicals. I think it goes deeper than that and that you need to dive into psychology to have a more complete explanation. Some people for example go into casual sex because they fear commitment or attachment because of how their parents raised them during childhood.

    I think this topic is more complex than what she makes it look like.

    • Right on! There is a vid that at the end of her talk, a psychologist came up and discussed from her point of view and experiences with her clients.

      https://youtu.be/WvvuLDX7iIk

  • False

  • i disagree

  • Don't know. Never had it.

    • Good for you.

  • I disagree when I'm looking for a cock to suck & I do there is no romantic relationship I'm just looking to suck cock & leave. No attachments unless it becomes a suck buddy but no love interest at all.

  • Anything that can bring a new life into the world is not casual...

    • Right. And that is one of the reasons why I don't support a casual practice. There is always a risk to have a baby. If the parents are not ready and mature enough to take care of the child, why let your body touched by someone who doesn't want to be with you and protect you...

    • I don't understand why some men are like "Yeahh... She's for free. If I don't take the chance, I'd be dumb." I tried to tell my students (boys) that it doesn't worth anything. There are chances you'll get diseases and a woman who has mental illness as well. Some women use this method to trick you, getting pregnant and hook you up in hope you'd marry her. And how the child born this way can be raised well? And when the man found a new woman who's better, he's more than ready to leave the family. It's really bad for the child. Many husbands try to hit on me with the excuse like "I don't love my wife. I stay because of our kid (s)."

    • ''I don't understand why some men are like "Yeahh... She's for free. If I don't take the chance, I'd be dumb." The reason is due to the pursuit of pleasure / dopamine and lack of self control. In order to feel good, they need to rationalize their actions to feel ok doing it. This is the pursuit of instant gratification, rather than long term discipline and honor. The pleasure part of sex, has taken over and to convince society to embark only on this pleasure, they are told that it is 'casual sex'. This is the ego. This is the lie that destroys. One brings life, the other 'takes it'.

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