How can I trust my boyfriend when he says certain things were accidents/reflex? Do these sound like accidents?

[Anonymous]

I know my boyfriend would never hurt me un purpose. He always tells me that because I have this really bad fear of being abused for some reason. He does not abuse me and we've been together for 3 years, yet when certain things happen out of the ordinary I have so much trouble coming to terms with the fact that that they were accidents or unintentional? There have been 3 mayor accidents throughout our 3 year relationship and they've happened years apart from each other. One, I once scared him and he reacted by lifting his fist, and then immediately put it down when he saw it was me. He told me it was a reflex and that he wouldn't hit me he just reacted like that in the heat of the moment. He was laying on a bed and I accidentally hurt him with my knee and he reacted by kicking me lightly on my breast. He also claimed that it was an involuntary reaction and that he wasn't exactly looking to react that way. The third and last thing happened rather recently: we were in the ocean putting on our swim gear. I dove underwater and I accidentally jammed my fin into his stomach, and since I was close to him, I felt something hit my throat. I asked him why he did that and he asked me "what?" still in pain from what I did beforehand apparently not even knowing about me being jabbed in the throat. He told me that I hit his stomach and that he didn't realize he hit accidentally me afterwards, since I was underwater. For a second I even thought he hit me to get back at me for hitting him first accidentally with my flipper. He was so mad that I would even think he'd hit me un purpose. Do these events sound like unintentional accidents? They are not constant and they have happened years apart from each other at random times and never during arguments. They've just happened randomly. If they are, why do I have so much trouble seeing them as accidents and letting them go? Why am I so obsessed with thinking that my boyfriend is hurting me un purpose?

[yucychan]

The thing is his actions are reflex actions in nature.
That being said, I feel that his reflex actions are dangerous.
I just feel you should be careful around him. Because it does not bode well whenever you scare or hurt him unintentionally; he will just hit out at you reflexively.
Imagine years later, if you two are still together, you two married and you pregnant with his kid. What if you accidentally scare him or unintentionally step on his foot? Is he gonna punch you in the face or kick you?
I have been with my ex for 6-7 years, never once was there an incident where he hits out at me reflexively for scaring him or hurting him.

[Asker]

I accept his reflexes and will try to be more cautious to not provoke anything I might regret later. Once my dad was taking nicotine pills which had terrible side effects and tried to choke my mom while he was asleep and started swinging and hit her face by accident. It was a side effect and obviously he didn't mean to do such a thing, it was just an accident. My mom was acceptant afterwards and doesn't even talk about that event anymore. Yet here I am unable to forget these things that didn't actually get to the point of hurting me and were unintentional.

[AustinMan]

Sounds to me like you just need to be more careful. He's trying to be as gentle as he can. Stop hurting him and there'll be no problem.

[djmzes]

Simple

[Asker]

Yeah, he has changed so much. His reflexes have been better and a lot less accidents are happening. My family has even congratulated him on his change because he never really has intentions of hurting anyone. I feel that when these things happen they are truly unintentional and he is living up to it because they rarely happen anymore :)

[djmzes]

I do not know.. You have to decide. Everything is not a guarantee to be a reject or an opportunity. So you choose.

[Asker]

I'm actually kind of confused because if actions speak louder than words (which is true I admit) does that mean that when he says it was an accident then it wasn't just because it happened and it was an action?

[Asker]

okay

[djmzes]

You are not confused. You are afraid of the consequences of any of ur decision. But the what is called responsibility. If you take a decision and it goes wrong, you learn from it and correct it. If you take a decision and it goes right, then congrats yourself. There is and will be no plug and play rules or voice to say this or that guarantee success. You take a choice and you bear the consequences.

[NamerOfStars]

If it's just a few incidents, and they're years apart, it's safe to assume he's telling the truth. He may have a history of abuse, or at least of fear of it. You might do well to talk about learning to relax and let his guard down a little.

[Dragonstarterplus]

Right... So all I'm seeing is you're allowed to have accidents but not him. Hell he might think you're the one doing all this nothingness on purpose

[jett16]

The first two was in bed so having two people in bed will probably be a close and the other i wouldn't worry about it. Just remember this look whats in the future not the past

[Asker]

Do you think I shouldn't worry about these things? Should I let them go and move on?

[jett16]

I say watch him not like a hawk but enough to make sure