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Boyfriend says I'm not an 'Adult' because I can't drive... how do I respond without getting too aggressive?

Long story short my boyfriend and I tried to plan a day of errands and he got on my case about the commute. I explained that if he doesn't want to drive we can do public transit, Uber or get things delivered. He doesn't let up and snaps telling me I need to be a 'real adult' and get a license. Here's the thing: I pay for our entire apartment rent, the groceries, the bills, the furniture. I also cook and clean. He doesn't have a steady income and can't afford any of the above expenses, even his car he had to borrow money from his mother to pay for. And he's on her insurance plan. So, how do I approach what it means to me to be an adult (more than just owning a car) without it escalating into a tit for tat argument? I do want to get my license, but I'm not confident behind the wheel and became less of a priority when I got a remote job from NYC. I thought we worked well together as a unit and it feels like he's attacking from a place of insecurity, which I don't want to respond to in kind.
1 1

Superb Opinion

  • I think you've nailed it when you said he was attacking you from a place of insecurity, but you NEED to stand up to him. And say, "Hey, I'm aware that getting my license is important, and it's something I plan to do, but YOU need to lay off and be supportive rather than attacking me. Need I remind you that I'm paying both our way for everything here? I can't do everything all at once, and you should be HELPING and not making the problem worse, just like I've been helping with the bills and housework rather than just complaining to you about your lack of income. That's how relationships are supposed to work."

    And in my opinion, if he doesn't "get it" and reacts badly, then he's too immature to be in a relationship, and you should dump him and find someone else. He's got a toxic attitude and trying to manipulate you, etc., in circumstances when he should just be thankful and helpful, and that means when something is REALLY difficult or trying, he's going to be a disaster. Learn from that now!

Most Helpful Guy

  • 「He doesn't let up and snaps telling me I need to be a 'real adult' and get a license. Here's the thing: I pay for our entire apartment rent, the groceries, the bills, the furniture. I also cook and clean. He doesn't have a steady income and can't afford any of the above expenses, even his car he had to borrow money from his mother to pay for. And he's on her insurance plan.」
    The Hell‽ If I were in his same position, I wouldn't even consider myself eligible to search for a spousal-candidate, much less accept a feasible option if she had no objection and then continually keep her. Yet, he criticizes you for not being an 'real adult' (like he possibly imagines himself to be‽)‽

    lol Kick him out and have him carry his own weight. Let's see how important driving is… as compared to a steady-income, f—ing food-supply, BASIC utilities, and insurance. 🤣

    His definition and/or prioritized listing of criteria for 'real' adulthood is utterly faulty. Also, it fails to apply for so many jurisdictions across the world (esp. in nations with extensive public-transportation options) and/or eras across history.

    • In some warrior-societies (ex. in Afghanistan), boys finally become men when their fathers finally award them with a gun (esp. a Kalashnikov rifle) in a public ceremony.
      www.chicagotribune.com/.../...rrior-lat-story.html
      Has his father handed him an automatic-rifle yet? No? Unless he gets 1 (in your place of residence… Liberal, anti-gun NEW YORK, I guess? 😆) He's not a man, either. He's just a gun-less man-child, I guess!

Most Helpful Girls

  • He seems like he’s insecure and using the “u can't drive meaning u aren't an adult” argument to compensate, unfortunately i dont see how you can display truth and evidence to back why that argument is bullshit without him getting angry, he needs to face the truth, you can't treat him like a baby and try to comfort him when he is hurting you in return.

    • Back up*

  • He would have been told long before now to get off his idle backside, get gainful employment and to stop being nothing less than a glorified parasite.

    • Thank you for the MHGirl.

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 17

  • Wow!! You must REALLY love this guy. I'd just tell him that in the current domestic financial situation, it doesn't make sense plus the insurance is problematic. Sorry but not right now.

  • Depends how you define "adult", some say you only need be 18 (or 21 or whatever age it is).

    Some say you need to drive, like your uncle.

    I say you only become an adult once you got your own children.

    The main thing is, it doesn't change anything wether or not someone thinks you are an adult or not. Don't bother and just live your life how you want so you are happy.

  • That is extremely ableist what he is saying. You can't change his mind, so you should kick him to the curb.

  • What does he contribute to your life? He's given everything and still complains. Dump him.

  • He is both exploiting and abusing you. He is not on your side. Your relationship is uneven and has no future. You can't fix it. Get out now.

  • It does seem weird to me when someone over 16 doesn't jump at the opportunity to have their license and their first car. But that's just a generation gap thing.
    That said, this guy really sounds like a douchebag.

  • Adult meet to be responsable for your own actions, that hapen at 18.
    I'm 26 and don't have drive licence and i will never want to have one.
    The dam car is expensive
    -i need to buy all the time combustible so i will pay forever to go whit the car, same shit whit public transport
    - for me public transport is more faster then a car, i have priority and special roads, the car need to stay in the lines
    - i don't want to die, i know i will be a bad driver and i don't want to be a criminal or to die in an accident
    - i'm in UK and i finde it berible to drive on the right size of the care, even if i have a drive licence i will never want to drive here
    - if i take my drive licence how do i take a car? I don't want to sacriface yares to buy a car when i alredy take my drive licence.
    If he is an adult and you are not, then why you work, tell him ti go and make the money and you stay home and play and eat.
    Kids don't make foods, don't work, don't need to save money. Put him to take the responsabilitis in the hous if he is the adult and you are not.

  • He's sounds like a prick

    I can't drive as I am unlicenced nor can I ever drive thanks to my back so in theory I would be a child forever

    Or to put it another way I'm in my 20's with a middle aged mind and an old back

  • Well driving is one of the first adulting things you can do. However if you live somewhere that has semi efficient public transportation and you use it, I get why the no license. He's trash for calling you out when he is more of a mess. His ass needs to really grow up and tbh don't know why you're with him.

  • That's a stupid criteria. What is he for if you need to go somewhere?

  • he's taking his frustrations out on you by saying that. If he is really botheres by that then it becomes a red flag if it really isn't necessary. Though i do say having a license it still a good idea for emergency life threatning situations, doesn't mean you have to get a car or anything. Overall he shouldn't be complaining much if he's struggling that much himself. he's his own prood having a car doesn't makes things magically better

  • Just kick the lazy arguing fucker out of your life.
    With all you are doing he wants you to do more and babysit him more.
    Fuck that.
    Kick the sorry manbitch out.

  • He is attacking from a place of insecurity.

  • Explain to him that while you can get a liscence you still don't like driving. I never bothered to get a liscence, but now that I have a girlfriend that doesn't have one either I wanted to get one. I haven't gotten the chance to practice driving that much and my permit is expired

  • If he's an Able-Bodied Adult then your doing too much for him. You don't need a license in NYC. I assume since your paying for everything then you could legally kick him out of the apartment paying for. I guess that would be an adult thing if you wanted to do that.

  • Run him over

  • Hmmmm that's a big comment coming from him, what about people who don't have cars in their 30's... I wouldn't get a licence out of spite, say to him " You're my Uber bitch, take me shopping"

  • Ask him why he's having sex with someone who isn't an adult.

  • Since when did driving determine your age? My grandmother is in her 60’s and she’s never driven, does that mean she’s still a child? Your boyfriend is so wrong in so many ways.

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Home >  Sexual Relationships  > Boyfriend says I'm not an 'Adult' because I can't drive... how do I respond without getting too aggressive?