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Do men confuse being dominate in bed with being an aggressive thug?

To me a dominate lover is one with good stamina who takes control, thrusts with enthusiasm and drives you to orgasm. You feel he's in charge but not threatening. I think most women want a man who will make them feel desired in bed through their passionate sex.
However a lot of guys here seem to translate this into we want to be verbally abused and slapped around. That to be dominant they also have to be violent. I get it a small number of women into bdsm want to be physically abused but surely most of us don't. I want my pussy pounded not my face.
I can't help think a lot of girls are being put off trying sex when they hear that guys say they have to pull your hair hard and slap tits red raw to be good lovers.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Yeah they do, I did and there are still misconceptions I have about how to truly by dominant in bed. For a long time I was over careful about warning her when im going to first put it in, and double checking that im not going to fast. And it took her getting angry and saying "I dont wanr lovey dovey shit I want you to be an animal for the night"

    It shocked me but I slowly started learning that I dont have to be super duper careful all the time and when a girl trusts you enough to be naked together and have sex she trusts you enough to take the lead and 'be an animal' for the night.

    There are still misconceptions that I know i have about how forceful a girl really wants me to be. But I've learned a lot over the years and gotten a lot better

    I blame terrible sex education. Sex Ed was more or less just STD scare tactics and abstinence lies. No one ever got in front of a sex ed class and said "hey your girlfriend doesn't want to hold your hand during sex, she wants you display your passion by taking what you want and being in charge. She already trusts you at this point so stop feeling like you have to check up on her every 30 seconds."

    I wish someone would have given me that talk earlier instead of embarrassingly having to learn it the hard way.

  • As a dominant guy, I have definitely been with girls who WANT to be slapped and pounded hard and have their hair pulled and verbally degraded and all of that - but I've also been with girls who just want their guy to fuck them when he wants to fuck, and who puts her in position and flips her over and just takes charge, without any of the violence or degradation or any of that. I completely agree that you can still be dominant and not do those things. Or only do some of those things, and only to a certain point.

    What is really at issue is that people who are going to fuck need to be able to talk to each other and tell their partner what they want and what they like - and what they don't like and what's completely off the table. In organized BDSM, consent is a HUGE issue and people are used to negotiating limits before doing anything, and it would do the non-BDSM world a big favor if more of that was routine in that world as well.

    • This comment deserves a huge like bc that's exactly the truth

Most Helpful Girls

  • I'm not surprised by their lack of knowledge about sex, most guys on the GaG are virgins 😂

  • It is surprising how little men know about what the true nature of the D/s relationship is

    • The "true nature" is subjective as all hell. I've met women who reacted with low-key disgust at the mention of safe words. If you have to say anything about what the "true nature" is, you're automatically wrong no matter what you say afterwards.

    • Completely true

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I'm totally on the same page as you, purplepoppy. 100%.
    Real good sex can be enthusiastic, energetic and kind of aggressive, but in a mutual way. But there is a line between that and abuse. A bit of hair pulling and ass slapping can be enjoyable to both parties. But I hate the idea of spitting in women's faces, slapping their faces and tender breasts, shoving fingers in their mouth and pulling, forcefully throat fucking, and anything that is demeaning or detracts from her enjoyment. I'm afraid some guys have picked up sadistic fetishes from porn.

  • I think you are 100 % right I like your way best,, and as for the other there's a fine line and I can't get myself to be rough or mean when a girl tells me she wants it rough I say ok and i start out in slow motion I've been yelled at and some girls get so pissed off when i go in slow motion because she wants it stuffed in then hard deep and fast she wants what she wants when she wants it ,, i alwzys say hold on im getting there but after bitching and moaning i start going even slower she will say call me names harder i go slower and after she relaxes a little and lets me do my job now 10 min in to it she's holding on to me so tight and in a slow quit voice will be saying OH MY FUCKING G? OM GOD YES FUCK ME ME ME PLEASE AND GETS SO IN TO IT BECAUSE THEY HAVE FOR GOT WHAT IT fekt like. To be fucked good

  • Well I'm going to try and remember what you said here but I see why some guys could get it a bit off, if you want me dominant that makes me think you want me calling the shots and deff not asking for input cause that's kind of a submissive thing, a dominant person would just simply do what they want in my mind, and frankly it's different for everyone, I'm sure there's a girl out there somewhere that will call you a pussy if you dont put a cigarette out on her 🤷‍♂️

    I'll keep that In mind tho, be a "considerate dom"

  • I think I can speak for all men on this one because we're all the same. We know exactly what the differences are between being dominant and being an aggressive thug. We use both of them as we see fit. Why? Because you like it. Seriously. You may say otherwise, but you like it.

  • no they dont confuse it, thats what they want to be and they feel they can get away with it in the role of a dom. If you choose a man who fits the stereotypical large muscular thug you are likely to come out of it abused and feel like youve been raped.
    Some girls like slim affectionate and passionate men, you can be cheeky, bratty and he'll still be stern but won't strangle you or make you cry and make excuses for it.

  • Maybe. Cause heck even i know, Dominate don't always just mean super rough. A little rough is good cause what's the point without some? But don't need to be overdoing it. There is always a fine line, just another reason why been a dom to me looks harder to be. You never want to over do it but never want under otherwise you come off not dom at all.

  • Yeah those guys clearly do not understand what it means to be a proper dom, it means holding a respect for the girl but also making both of you feel good through control and power

  • Any violent stuff during sex should be on a purely "opt-in" basis. As a rule of thumb, I wouldn't do anything to a girl in bed that i wouldn't allow her to do to me in return. Mild spanking to add a bit of extra sensation and "thrill" to sex? Sure, i can take it and dish it out in good sport lol. Spanking your partner so hard they get welts on their skin? NO FUCKING WAY. I couldn't properly hurt a girl during sex even if she asked, I just can't do it

  • 100% agreed. I'm not into the violent stuff but yes, as you said, there is a small % of women who are. Not sure why many guys think that is what dominate sex is... you described it well :)

  • Some do yes. Sadly.

  • If your "Dom" doesn't give you a safe word and their is no discussion about kinks then it's not a good idea to play (bdsm) with them. The fucking you're talking about isn't dominant at all. It sounds like you're not kinky, you just want good sex.

  • I myself am not dominant and submissive however my current girlfriend and I have an agreement that I prioritize being dominant but I only go as far as she wants me to go example if we're doing it and she asks me to slap her butt or pull her hair or say something kinky into her ear it's because she wants it not because I want to as we're both highly anxious and hate mistreatment of each other but as far as domination it's more about the communication between the 2 of you before go ahead and do anything

  • That's mostly so you can brag to your bros later about how you beat the fuck out of your girl and she always "comes crawling back for more."

    For a huge chunk of guys, the idea of "dominance" and "impressing retarded friends" are one and the same. It's a joke. I guarantee you that if a guy's friends weren't in the picture, he would be passionate and focused as all hell.

    Unfortunately most people right now are fucking sheep.

  • I love dominating my partner (the way you described) and light ass slaps or hair pulling are still considered part of being dominant. And I'd be down to do something rougher than the usual if the girl wants to as long as it doesn't include extreme stuff (machines, blood, and dirty I mean really dirty stuff).

  • Of course they do all the time.

  • Good grief Poppy... I can sense your fervent carnal desires!

    I guess that being dominant confers an aggressive demeanor that leads to a power trip. So I think it's inevitable that the guy will go rough whether the girl wants it or not.

    But what do I know? I'm a virgin.

  • Would you consider this dominant? Sometimes during missionary I lean down while grabbing my girlfriend's wrists holding them down to each side of her head. I also sometimes do the same to her shoulders.

  • Mostly yes

  • Being dominate, often leads to being aggressive

  • I’d imagine those two can overlap easily. I occasionally get a bit rough with the wife for fun, but it doesn’t influence our relationship.

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