I was raped by my ex and I need advice?

[Anonymous]

So we were together for 2.5 years, don't ask my why or how. He was my first and he took my virginity against my will. Throughout he coerced me to have sex or he'd just take it. I would tell him I didn't want to or to stop, he wouldn't listen he would call me a bad partner and tell me he thought I was fucking boys at college and that's why I was never horny. I wasn't horny because he was abusing me and I had no one to talk to and no way out. He'd say stuff like "If you loved me" or "I'll forgive you and trust you if" and I'd stupidly do what he wanted. Just over a year ago he raped me for the last time and it was the worst it had ever been. We were long distance for three months before it happened and I was visiting at his request during school break.

The help I need is I want to start moving on into a new relationship maybe, I want to seek love again. Problem is I feel like I'm the last thing a guy wants and I'll be a let down. I just need to know if it's even worth looking for love when I don't think I can let anyone touch or kiss me. I don't want to hurt a guys feelings because I'm too uncomfortable. I also don't want to be abandoned because I'm too much of a hassle and I cry over stupid sounds or touches or whatever. It'll feel shit to be dumped because I'm too out of my skin to have sex. Is it worth it to look for someone to rebuild myself with? Am I just going to get hurt and hurt someone else in the process?

[VIVANT]

I think maybe someone to talk to to get to the root of why felt trapped and coy isn’t walk away even though you knew you were being raised. I in no way mean that as an attack. Not at all.

What I mean is it isn’t enough to learn to trust good people moving forward bc life is always going to throw shit at you In or out of relationships. and you have to know your worth and Throw it back, not get paralyzed.

It’s dangerous for you that that piece of shit taped you repeatedly And you were aware of that and still you saw no way out.

I would definitely try to see someone or better join a support group where you can share with people who can relate and support each other bc a therapist no matter how Well trained, will be limited unless they went though it themselves.

I am truly so so sorry for what you have been through. 💗 💗 💗

[VIVANT]

Sorry was typing in the car. Jumpy phone 😁🤷‍♀️ @ think maybe someone to talk to to get to the root of why you felt trapped and you were unable to walk away even though you knew you were being raped snd he should be in #PRISON. I in NO way mean that as an attack. Not at all.

[Asker]

I'm in therapy at the moment because of the abuse, a lot happened as a result of the last time he raped me and it all traumatized me badly enough I left him and got help. I'm trying to open a case but I don't want my family to find out, I have no physical evidence, the other victims I know of won't testify and the police don't believe me because he was my boyfriend. I'm working on finding out why I stayed and it's a lot of reasons I never thought of! Thank you for your comment

[Liz_thorne]

If you can afford it, go to a therapist. That's probably the most valuable and worthwhile help you can get.
And just take it slow, take your time. Do not rush anything you don't want to rush. If he's the right guy for you, he will understand, if not you won't miss out in anything important.
Put your healing first, that's really the most important thing for a relationship.

[Asker]

I am in therapy and have been for nearly a year, it's been a huge help but I have still got a lot to do before I'm ready for a sexual relationship and I just don't want to try being with someone, they get sick of waiting because I know it may be a year or two of waiting, and they'll leave me because I wasn't good enough. Thats the fear

[Anonymous]

What that cunt did to you is absolutely awful, Im so sorry that happened to you.

I think its great that you have found the strength to recover to the degree you have and that you want to try and move forwards, thats wonderful.

There are loads of good guys out there who will be patient and understanding with you, dont get me wrong there are plenty of other bad guys too so be careful, try to observe how a guy responds to not getting his way first, maybe try cancelling a date at the last minute and see how badly they lose their shit or something right?

You can and will get past this, Im really proud of you, well done x

[Rippersavage]

I'm so sorry that happened to u😥

I don't think that ur mentality or emotionally ready to be in a relationship right now. I think u may need to see a therapist or talk to someone u trust to work through ur problems.
Give it time, u still have the majority of ur life ahead of u, there's no need to rush

[Asker]

I don't know if I'm ready but I'm lonely and I want to have someone I can depend on and that's why I want to try. Not a good reason I know... I am in therapy and I've been advised I may not be ready yet but that it's up to me, I don't know what to do because I'm afraid of being abandoned either because they find out I was raped or because I take too long to be intimate. I am trying to be patient with myself but it's tough, I'm 24 and my friends are mostly married or engaged and I'm alone and it's just sucky. I want to be happy and to trust someone again

[Dragonstarterplus]

I believe that with patience you can find someone you can slowly connect with and open up to

[BeenThereLovedIt]

You need help. I wouldn't recommend any relationships until you overcome your fear and learn that sex in general isn't bad, much like a pencil isn't inherently bad, but it was used against you and your will, much like a pencil might be used to stab you. The pencil isn't at fault - the person who stabbed you is. Same with sex - it's not the sex but the person who abused you sexually. Get help, and hopefully someday you can experience the positives sex has to offer.

[blutwolfe]

Well finding guys who aren't shitbags will be a start, and make sure you find a guy that doesn't talk about sex every sentence. Have a solid foundation when you start your relationship and make sure it doesn't start because of sexual reasons.

Not sure what advice you're looking for

[Asker]

That's the advice I'm looking for I think, finding out what to look for or not because I never saw anything in my ex that made me think I would be in danger.

[blutwolfe]

Well he was also your first so that was your first experience so you didn't know what to look for in guys, now you know what to avoid

[ActiveSh1tter]

We have a saying where I'm from. Rape is like a movie, just relax and enjoy it.

[Rippersavage]

Not cool, dude

[Asker]

Don't say things like this. You have no idea what an impact this has on people like me who have been raped. As soon as I read this I felt my heartbeat go up, I felt my hands shaking, I felt my breathing shorten and I felt like I'd puke. This is an awful thing to say because I did experience that, I dissociated during rape and it is like watching a movie and it is terrifying because there is no control no safety and you have no idea how awful it is.

[ActiveSh1tter]

Whatever. Drama queen.

[Rippersavage]

"ActiveSh1tter" That is a very fitting name because you are one sh1tty excuse for a human being

[ActiveSh1tter]

@Rippersavage defending women online won't get you the crumb of pussy you so desire

[Rippersavage]

Not to sound conceited and full of myself or anything but I more or less get any girl I want. I don't know if u know this but it is possible to show compassion without having ulterior motives. I'm so sorry that I'm not as fucked up and heartless as u.

[MrCanada]

Don’t feel that way. You only do because of the asshole you were with and how he treated you and made you feel. Most men are not like that. Take it slow and find someone that will treat you like you deserve. Take your time don’t rush

[Asker]

I don't paint men with the same brush as him, I just am afraid I'll not be good enough for anyone or I'll hurt people with how I feel. I'm trying to be patient with myself but I do want to have someone I can depend on

[Jmmmfi4]

Probably not. You need to seek counseling.

[Asker]

I'm in therapy

[Brownisback]

My advice is.. find a religeous person.. good practicing one

[Guffrus]

Fuck off asshole.

[Asker]

I'm not religious and never will be, I don't think religion makes you a good person

[Brownisback]

Thats true.. only cuz what our perception of religeous and what religeon actually preaches are different..

[Asker]

@brownisback absolutely, there's nothing wrong with having a different view, I'm sure you feel truly religious people are inherently good and thats great, but for me my experience has been negative and I'm pretty closed against the idea

[Brownisback]

here's the thing.. if u are not good inherently.. clearly one is not religeous.. he's just for show

[Asker]

@brownisbackown is Well I'm inherently good, I make a point to never hurt other people and to do all I can to help because I genuinely care. I may not be rooted in a saviour but I bear good fruits

[Brownisback]

Well good for u.. i never said being non religeous means not good.. nope.. being good.. can be anyone with a good heart.. but religion generally preaches us to be good... whether or not we follow it is upto us..

[Anonymous]

Did you report him to the police; it might be too late to get a conviction against him in your case. But he is probably doing the same thing to other women; and it will be easier for the police if one of them also comes forward.

[VIVANT]

☝️☝️☝️☝️

[Asker]

I'm the only one of three I know of who has thought about reporting him. The problem is I don't have physical evidence, I was in shock after each time and just showered and tried to get through it in silence. In my country you have 10 years in which to report a rape. My family don't know the extent of the abuse, they don't know it was abuse, and I don't want them to know about it. I'm trying to open a case without them finding out but it's proving difficult because the cops don't believe me since he was my boyfriend and I stayed through it.

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe you should remind the cops that Stockholm Syndrome is a thing; and ask them how many wives stay with abusive husbands? Stay brave, your courage may spread to the other two; or it may help someone else you didn't know about.

[Asker]

I live in Africa, the police are rubbish and don't know anything about mental health or womens rights really...

[Anonymous]

Bump