Is it my fault that my “girlfriend” cheated on me?

Question

My “girlfriend“ cheated on me; I put it in quotation because we’ve never had sex. I have been dating her for about a year. I’m very slow at initiating physical contact. I know some guys say that you should have sex as soon as possible before you end up in the friend zone. I’m pretty shy and in my relationships, I have always done dinner dates, hiking, wine tasting for a couple months and then proceed to sex. So, the first couple months, I didn’t push the sex thing; of course, if she wanted sex then I would definitely proceed for sex. I just wanted to make her feel comfortable with me. I was planning on pushing for sex soon but then Covid happened. During the lockdown, I found out that she had been having sex with her ex for awhile. I felt so impotent because I couldn’t even confront her about it. We talked recently and I told her that I knew she had been sleeping with her ex and she confessed that it was true. She said she did it because she wanted sex and that she felt that I didn’t want sex because I wasn’t saying anything about it. At this point, I’m not really mad about the cheating, I’m just whatever and I even told her that she should just go back with guy, they have a daughter together. She says that she wants to be with me and that she only did it because she wanted sex and it seemed like I didn’t.

meetkitty123 · Accepted Answer

I wouldn't go back with her. If she had a problem about the lack of sex she should have said something. If it was so important to her she would have initiated it.
There no excuse for her behavior. Worst she cheated with a man she has a child with. So you will forever have that hovering over your head because that man will be stuck in her life even after her daughter celebrates retirement.
Don't let someone else's pity morals stain who you are. Do not beat yourself down for being a gentleman. Any woman who claims she would rather cheat on a man who clearly respect her treats her right dotes on her and finds her intellectual aspects more important than her physical because he is taking things slow is foolish. If she can initiate sex with another man why can't she initiate sex with the one who's treating her right.
what women don't seem to understand that there are certain men who do have high standards and high morals and are shy and out of respect for the woman or nerves will not initiate the first move.
Its ridiculous that in this era some women still think the man has to make the first move (kiss or sex) and it's sad that some people think poorly about people who do not rush into sex.
Well I am just like this fella here. If I was available and looking this would the kind of man I would want to date. I hate being pressured into sexual acts and have quit dating people because of it.
I am slow to kiss slow to give oral and slow to have sex.
One relationship we went 8mos before sex
I have had a relationship where we didn't have sex until after a year.
When I date a man I want it to be free of sexual demands I want to go out for coffee movie dates amusement parks long walks and just enjoy our time together. I love a man who doesn't mind cuddling on the sofa with a glass of wine or a cup of coffee and just talk for hours.
As long as he's treating me well and things are progressing from hand holding to kissing to caressing I am good. If they progress to oral That's fine too but I'm never in a rush to get straight to sex
Don't change your positive attributes to suit other people. There are woman out there who share your dating views and are probably right now wishing they can meet someone like them (aka someone like you).
Don't settle for a cheater.
Be proud of who you are. I am glad to hear there are still men like you out there.

btbc92 · Accepted Answer

First of all you should not be having sex before marriage. And you should remove yourself from those toxic Mendes telling you to screw with any girl that wants sex. That's how you end a big problem with women in the first place. It is not your fault that she cheated on you. She just wanted to screw, and you saw who she really is. She more likely what is your cheat on you anyway no matter what she got from you and you still would have been heartbroken. You dodged a bullet man. Don't even waste your time worrying about someone like that. The cheater is a cheater and there's no excuse for it. Drop her asap. And don't carry around that false guilt.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

I agree with the general sentiment that this girl has boundary issues and can't be trusted, and that there is never a justification for cheating.

Having said that, I also believe that her concern about you not seeming to want sex with her is a justifiable and reasonable concern. How she handled that concern was completely UNreasonable, of course, but the concern was legitimate.

This is the advice/guidelines I give everyone: if there is something about you that is outside the mainstream (and you are smart enough to know what the mainstream position is on just about anything), then you are obligated to disclose/discuss that with your partner very early on in the relationship. Whether you're a vegetarian, or have a chronic disease, or have major financial debts, or have a dying parent, or a criminal record, or you like to crossdress, or whatever - those are all things outside of the mainstream, and need to be brought up and discussed so that the person you are dating understands who you are and what your needs and desires are and can decide very early on whether or not they can accept those things, and if they can't, they can then move on before they've invested too much into the relationship.

By not bringing up your desire to move slowly with sex - something you're well aware is unusual - you left her to wonder why things were unusual, and in the absence of a good explanation, she has to come up with one herself, and people almost always assume the worst. You allowed that to happen, and thereby set up your relationship, if not to fail outright, then to suffer a huge problem.

In this case, it might well be a blessing, as it exposed her behavior that she was hiding too, but generally, it's a bad thing. You can't have trust between you and your partner if you are keeping important secrets from each other.

SomeGuyCalledTom · Accepted Answer

Dump that cheating hoe and don't look back. Cheating is cheating. She could've asked you about having sex to get her needs met. She instead went around you and got it on the sly from a goddamn EX of all people! Doesn't bode well for the sort of person she is

Brainsbeforebeauty · Answer

First off, being boyfriend and girlfriend doesn't depend on whether you had sex or not. If you agreed to be in so exclusive relationship, then you were boyfriend and girlfriend.
But, here's the thing...
1-why didn't she just talk to you if she was unsatisfied with the pace things were developing. Instead, her response was to cheat. So say you forgive her? What's to say she won't cheat again next time things aren't going the way she wants them to?
2- She put the blame on you:
"She said she did it because she wanted sex and that she felt that I didn’t want sex because I wasn’t saying anything about it"
But she could of said something at any time too, instead of cheating. Anyone that cheats, and then try to shift blame , yeah that don't sound like that would be a very healthy relationship...

Yads_Is_Back · Answer

Not your fault and you should do better. She’s a sorry excuse for a woman. If she had any decency at all she could have spoken up.

Daniela1982 · Answer

Sounds like a crock as she could have initiated sex had she wanted it. This is one I wouldn't trust even with her swearing on a stack of bibles. She is laying the blame on you instead of admitting she cheated for her own reasons not related to you.

PBandJ_Nerd · Answer

I would say it isn't your fault. Communication is important in a relationship, so if she wanted to have sex then she should have told you what she wanted. Cheating isn't justified just because something isn't in the relationship yet. It's probably best to breakup with her and find another partner who can be more open about what they want.

Natashakir72 · Answer

If my boyfriend didn't give me any for a whole year I'd cheat too. Just being honest you can send me haters all u want.

J_Fitz · Answer

She should have talked to you about it. This is absolutely not your fault. If she really respected you and cared about your relationship, she wouldn't have cheated. Sorry, but it's time to move on bro.

tzdc21 · Answer

It's not your fault at all. You weren't comfortable with having sex and either needed to accept that or just break up with you and get with someone else. Instead she goes behind your back and cheats on you. SHE is the one at fault here. Not you.

jshm2 · Answer

Yes, kid, it's your fault.

She's only your girlfriend - not your wife. She can bang your dad and grandfather and still be a girlfriend. There is no legal contract for you to divorce her from.

If you leave out cookies, don't be surprised when they go missing.

ClosetHoe · Answer

No, there's never an excuse for cheating.

ItsTheNephilim · Answer

No, not at all. If you two have such incompatible beliefs and one can't compromise, it's best to part ways. Cheating isn't a solution.

Reaperbot666 · Answer

sounds like your better off without her man

NerdInDenial · Answer

It's not your fault.

sheikalana · Answer

I'll be very honest with you I dated someone for half a year who for religious purposes was still a virgin and wanted to remain a virgin until he gets married. Our relationship was mostly good but there were times where the idea of cheating him crossed my mind not because of the lack of sex but because of lack of attention.

Not_Average · Answer

No, it's not. You are not in control of someone else's heinous actions. Find a higher quality woman.  @brainsbeforebeauty see? we probably have more in common than you think lol.