I don’t know how to start being comfortable being sexual with my boyfriend after I was sexually assaulted in the past (by another guy) HELP?

[HeldaJohn]

So I’m not sure how u guys can actually help but I’m sorta desperate. When I’m with him and we both start u know getting in the mood and get tuned On, we both start wanting to do things. When we start getting frisky I’m into it completely and want it BUT when we’re done even if it’s just making out or whatever else (doesn’t have to be sex just anything sexual) I sort of feel off and just sort of down and uncomfortable about what had happened and I’m not sure why.

i asked a couple of friends and they pointed out it could be trauma from the previous experience I had.

also, part of me thinks that I don’t want him to view me how the other toxic guy did, another part Of me thinks that I don’t want him to associate me with anything sexual because I just feel like it would ruin our relationship? I don't know it’s fucked up and I’m not sure how to overcome that feeling and just be normal again.

[PurSeduction]

I've been in exactly that situation with my ex girlfriend, she was raped 2 times in her life.

And I failed as an growing up male to take this matter in my hands and acctually make her feel and help her from the first moment we had sex that I love her, know what happend to her and will give my best to take her by the hand and guide her...

The first 3m months I told her its not important have sex right and she can take her time... That a was good decision... and for many other reasons I let this fall in the background and well then there that evening where I kissing, petting went further...

Classic Mistake in her mind: Why is he going further although he said he will give me time and he can respect that blah blah... BUT she engaged and let it happen instead of saying something.

So stupid me only continued because she was giving me no sign of being uncomfortable...

So to the point she was undressed lower body and me too... Suddenly she outbursted and just do what you want and get it over with...

This is 10 years ago... I was 26... def not experienced enough to handle this situation right. Was ist not ok to go further this time while kissed and such, after 3 months of being together... should I have waited longer until she would engage for more?

Talk about! Solve this together, and dont let either of you end in such a stupid situation like my example.

I will never know how exactly it feels when being raped... My mistake was clearly back then, to inform myself more with internet for example. talk to people on forums... things like that. Thats what many people would do if in love and caring much and wanting to understand their counterpart as good as possible...

Help your boyfriend understand that you have problem with and perhaps there will times when your having sex with and you feel flashbacked to your memories and he just smiles and you and thinks hey im having sex with love and were both enjoying... la la la...

Thats all I can share, I already get fucked up seeing this text of mine and i dont to read what I wrote for you sharing my story... Im such asshole...

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you went through that past experience.

As someone who's girlfriend went through the same shortly before we got together, I know it's a difficult thing to get over. While my girlfriend is over it generally there are certain positions and technique that she is uncomfortable with as it triggers those thoughts.

Likewise having told me it has also made me somewhat awkward and less interested in sex.

My advice would be counselling, going to the police (even if too late for a prosecution they can start to build a record of incidents so they have a history if he ever does it again, and with things like Clare's Law in the UK any future partners could find that out before they get to that stage)

And lastly I'd say a lot of it is mindset. I know you can't change the past and it might take some time to get back into it but you need to remind yourself that you're getting intimate with your boyfriend because you want to. Its something you should enjoy, you could approach it sensitively and introduce a safe word so that you can stop at any point that you dont feel comfy. Then once you're happy that your boyfriend respects that and you're in a safe environment you may feel more inclined to take things further.

I hope it all works out for you

[Elliegirl]

You should probably talk to your boyfriend about it and explain how you feel. I’m sure he will want to help. It might be a good idea to see a therapist as well.

[wassim97]

First of all i’m sorry that you passed in this experience secondly did you tell you boyfriend about your incident he will understand you and help you
You trust him yes than little by little you will get more comfortable sexually with him but you need time and if your boyfriend didn’t understand the place your in that leave him he doesn’t deserve you

[integrale77]

I'm sorry to hear about your past experiences.

I would expect what you went through in the past will have at least a subconscious affect on how you feel because at the back of your mind you will be thinking is he using me.

If you masturbate solo do you have any uncomfortable feelings after this. If you don't I would suspect this will be because you will be purely thinking of your pleasure.

One suggestion I have would be trying putting yourself into a position of control during sex that way it's about you getting what you want from sex.
Ways you can do this can be by picking positions your on top or where he's not pinning you into position. If your wanting to go to a more controlling level using some sort of restraints on him and possibly a blind fold that way there can be no doubt in your mind it's about your pleasure!

[Skadouchebag]

see a therapist

[coolaboola]

Sorry to hear about your horrid experience. Just try to keep in mind that it was in the past. You were taken advantage of so uve nothing to be ashamed of. Yoyr boyfriend loves u and wants to please you. Im sure if he knows about things he will adapt his approach. 99% of men are straight up. You just got taken by a bad one. Try not let that prick ruin your future. You deserve a nice guy. So let yourself have that experience. Take it slowly, at your pace and fight past the feelings holding you back. You will enjoy sex again. Let yourself enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

not sure either, my best advice would be to try to get your mind away from associating sexy stuff with the negative sexual trauma you experience and instead try to associate it with a positive experience or memory or fantasy