Would you say it's teasing to mutually masturbate online with a friend but not act on it in person?

[Anonymous]

I can add more context in the comments but what are your initial thoughts...

[Berethor]

Yes it's teasing and border friends with benefits status, but you not true friends with benefits if you done nothing sexual in person, so why you limit it to mutually masturbation online and not take it further? you feel like you don't have enough compatibility for that?

[Asker]

Im not keen on casual sex. I found that mutually enjoying it online with this particular person was fun, but it's different in person, I think I'm the type to get attached of it were to actually happen so we'd have to be on the same page.

[Berethor]

I see, and why he didn't let you to have a serious relationship with him?

[Asker]

Ah this is complicated but I'll try and keep it short. We went on a couple of dates, he moved away for work (posted abroad) his communication eased off so I cut contact off. Couple of months later he messages me and maintained contact for the few years he was away (when not seeing others, sometimes even when he was as I later found out). Now he's coming back he wanted to meet again and see what it was. I'm just a little more reserved given the history.

[Berethor]

You worried that he would move away again, and that's why you don't want to get attached?

[Asker]

I just worry that if he didn't like me enough back then to try long distance what would be different now, I'd have thought he'd have suggested that back then if he liked me enough but mayb eim over thinking it. I just can't help but wonder if its convinience.

[Asker]

And yeah, if he has to move for another promotion he may not be fully into it.

[Berethor]

Well he liked you back enough to message you later, to be your friend, to maintained contact with you for few years, and to mutually masturbate online with you, but he is a man, a fully mature man, you understand that a masturbation is not though for him, so it make sense for him to decline a long distance relationship, and long distance relationships usually don't work anyway, you also a mature woman, so don't tell me that you believe in a fantasies about a man who sacrifice everything for a woman that he likes, it's usually don't works that way, even many women don't wait nowadays, let alone a man is not going to abstain from sex for years. So you would decline meeting him again? you don't miss being with him in person? and if he would move for another promotion, why can't you move with him?

tvtropes.org/.../iwillwaitforyou

tvtropes.org/.../ImAManICantHelpIt

[Asker]

I'm balanced, I can see how it works both ways, some people do make it work, others don't, both for various reasons. I've had no experience in a long distance thing before so maybe I'm optomistic. He has so maybe he's cynical. There are many variables at play. Nothing worth having comes easy though, that's what I was taught. The fact that he was still sexting me when in a long distance relationhsip with another is also a main factor that's off puttting, if we do meet I'd personally juts prefer to take it slow and ensure we can be friends first and build a good level of respect. I'm also going through some recent life changes myself lso the timing isn't great perosoanlly now either. Time will tell.

[Asker]

*optimistic

[Asker]

*just

[Berethor]

"A pessimist is an optimist with experience." I mostly agree with his cynicism on that issue, but I also agree with about "easy come, easy go." So he agreed to be in a long distance relationship with other woman, you sure that it was a long distance relationship? and even if she was in a long distance from him, she was likely still closer to him then you, right? so you feel like he was cheating on her with you, even though you consider an online mutual masturbation as a non-serious thing? also you said that you want to ensure that you can be friends first, but before that you already called him friend, so he not really your friend, he is mostly a man that you like to have a online mutual masturbation with, and a man that went on a couple of dates with, a long time ago. What recent life changes are you going through? if you want to tell, and how does it have any effort on your relationship with him, as long as you are single and can meet him again?

[Asker]

It’s complex because most of our communication has been online, I feel for it to be fully valid it needs to translate into person too. Tell me, would you be happy with your girlfriend setting other men?

[Asker]

*sexting

[Asker]

I’m leaving a professional job for something that pays less but has a better work life balance. I just feel like he’d prefer someone who’s in that professional role and has their own place etc. I’ve recently had to move back home to continue saving for a house and to care for a relative. I just feel he’d prefer someone who’s in a better position to myself for the time being in all honesty.

[Berethor]

I don't think that I would be okay with it, though it's nowhere near as bad as her doing sexual things with other men in person, the sexting is a lesser evil in comparison, also I would likely not forgiven her for stop dating me and then do dating other men, no matter what her reasons for that, but I am a man, and men tend to be more territorial than women, looks like you already forgiven him for dating other women after he has dates with you, the sexting seem minor in comparison, also looks like finding out that sometimes he had a online mutual masturbation with you even while seeing other women, didn't made you online didn't made you break up your mutual masturbation relationship with him. You worried that he would be sexting other woman while being in a relationship with you? yes a online communication is less valid than a in person, it's also one of the reasons why a long distance relationships usually don't work, but still, you know for few years online, and you had couple of dates in the past, even with low exchange rate, you are far from being a stranger to him, don't you think?

[Berethor]

Your profession is one of the main reasons that you worried to advance your relationship? well that's another thing that usually consider men and women on a significantly different levels, I doubt that your professional ranking down had an effort on his level of attraction to you, he likely cares mostly about if you still looks as attractive as before and if you are as skilled with sexual things in person, as you are skilled with sexual things online. Women profession usually don't has much effect on her level of value to a man, unless the man suspect that the woman is a gold digger, and yea woman with low paying jobs are more likely to be gold diggers. If you looking for a serious relationship and not for a casual relationship why you having your own house should matter? you have the option of to his house, and become a housewife, and if you don't have your own house then there is even less stopping you from moving with him, whatever his profession would take him, you can accompany him, at least until you would have children, then you can keep accompanying him or stay at his house raising your children, that's of course if you aim to the highest type of serious relationship, and if he would agree to that too, also to wait until marriage is the only way to make sure that a man is not looking for a casual sex. :)

tvtropes.org/.../AManIsAlwaysEager

tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Housewife

[Asker]

I wasn't okay with it either as I kept him at a distance for a while after that but he pushed contact until I eventually got over it. I didn't like him dating other women but I cared for him so I didn't feel right being selfish and not understanding his need for happiness too, that's just life given the situation. But yeah I know he's someone I could really fall for so the last thing I'd want is to let my heart fall and end up being hurt by him flirting on that level with other woman. I just don't see why you need to do that if you're happy with someone. I do thi k we've built up some sort of odd online friendship but to me it's still juts not quite the same as in person, the only real way to get to know someone is in person I feel. Body language and tone of voice conveys a lot more than just online words. Well he has a masters now so I do feel like he'd prefer a woman in a profession seems as hell have plenty of those options now. Isn't expecting to share his house kind of like being a gold digger? I doubt he sthi King that far ahead yet, he need sto see what this is between us in person when he's local. And I'm just unsure of whether that's worth it as he may not be as attracted given my concerns.

[Berethor]

You didn't like him dating other women, the way you said that it's looks like you already attached to him, and what you worried about is that you would get attached to him more, if you would meet him in person again. We don't know if he has a online mutual masturbation relationship with other women, but we know that he was dating other women in real life, and that you understand his need for that and mostly forgive him for all of those things, as you keep having a online mutual masturbation relationship with him and your consider to advance your relationship despite your concerns about him. You just don't see why he need to do that if he is happy with his main woman? maybe because he was not happy with his main woman, you said that they was in a long distance relationship, and long distance relationships usually don't work, she was not able to satisfy all his needs from such distance, that's why he needed an assistance from you, would you be able to keep him satisfied on your own? I don't know, but I believe that your best shot at that is if you be willing to follow him around in his abroad posts, to both keep an eye on him and keep him satisfied.

[Berethor]

Men are usually more sexual than women, that's why a man is more likely to flirt with multiple women, but if a woman is able to keep her man satisfied then he is much less likely to flirt with multiple women, the question is if you think that you can handle it, he is clearly not a man who is easy to keep around, after all multiple women had already failed at that, and many women might try to steal him from him, you not a gold digger, but many other women are. Yes he have plenty of other options, and there is likely a lot of competition on him, though women usually like to compete with other women, some men like that too, but it's usually clash with the territorial sense of men, but women are less territorial than men, that's why he is still someone that you could really fall for. I think that even if he flirted on that level with other woman while dating you, you might forgiven him for that, as you don't want to be selfish, you understanding his need for happiness, that's just life given the situation. As it said in the link about housewife, there is difference between a housewife and a gold digger, if a woman is just looking for life of luxury from her spouse's paycheck then she is a gold digger, if a woman focus on homemaking and children then she is a housewife.

[Berethor]

Looks like you are more concerned about if he would take you despite your professional ranking down than you worried about about his flirting with other women. Yes if he can find a woman with the same social status as him, who is also good as a lover and as a mother to his children then she might be better for him, but it's not looks like he was able to find a woman like that despite all the women that he had been seeing after his dates with you, if you can become a very good lover and as a mother to his children then it could outweigh your professional ranking down, especially considering that a woman's career is usually not something that is very important to men, and if you can prove to him that you really fall for him, and not for his money, it would also help. Anyway, with a man like that you should go big or go home, if you don't think that you be able to bind him to you and keep him around then it would be quite pointless for you to start a relationship with him in real life, but I needed to point out to you that your former profession lost is a disadvantage that you could turn into a advantage, as it means that you could have more time for him and/or for children, and it can solve the long distance relationship problem, if you can accompany him in all his work travels.

[Asker]

Yeah I agree with you in most of what you say. Tbh it juts sounds like a whole load of hassle doesn't it. Ta th emoment ijuts feel like not bothering anymore tbh. I've had happy relationships with others who weren't as much work and I thi k that sthe most beneficial. I think I juts need to cut him off entirely so he has less influence in my life and I can start a complete fresh without all of the drama.

[Asker]

*at the moment I just feel like not bothering anymore

[Berethor]

Yea that man is a physical manifestation of power at a price, so I can see why you don't want the burden, and looks like you would need to decide, because he want to have a new meeting.

tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PowerAtAPrice

[Asker]

I'll just have to tell him I can't. He won't like it but I can't do much about that.

[LiamSawyer]

It can be fun if there are no other options available at that time.

[LiamSawyer]

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to have a bit of fun!

[On_the_other_hand]

No if you are clear and up front.

[Asker]

Well it didn't start out like the plan was to meet up...

[On_the_other_hand]

Then I think it is fine, but since it has crossed your mind you should let them now know an in person event won't happen.

[FruitAndBlueEyes]

No, not if that was what was agreed upon up front.

[FruitAndBlueEyes]

@asker The friend was anticipating the real thing but got virtual sex instead.

[SirrVeta]

Personally I think you shoukd be able to masturbate with anyone without having the feekings you should have sex, you could masturbate with a friend or a sibling even

[Asker]

I think sibling is taking it too far

[SirrVeta]

200 years ago it was totally normal, and now it is taboe because the government doesn't want the increase of disabled children.

[Asker]

It's never actually been 'normal' just preferred by some rich historical people to try and keep assets in the family. Everyone now knows this isn't actually natural as your biological drive drives you away from being attracted to anyone in the family and drawn towards others with different immune systems ot yourself for the best chance of survival for future offspring.

[Asker]

Even the ones that did were definitely rare though, it's never actually been seen as normal.

[SirrVeta]

And I am not implying you should have sex, get married and have kids. I just said it should be normal to masturbate with people around without judgement or feeling that you need to do something with those people or feel ashamed, even if its family

[CharlieDMX]

It's foreplay. Been there

[jjj101010]

Do u know them irl

[Asker]

We've met a couple of times

[jjj101010]

Do u want to do it in person?

[Asker]

Depends entirely how we get on in person

[jjj101010]

Happy to discuss more if u like. Drop me a message

[Anonymous]

no not really but I think it's more fun to do in person

[Asker]

Yeah I agree. Why might she have been called a tease in this situation?

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know I've never had a friend who would let me watch them do that

[Opinion Owner]

Do you think girls are more shy about that sort of thing?

[Asker]

Yeah I imagine so

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah because over the years I've had a few different female friends who've watch me masturbate but none of them would ever let me watch them

[FruitAndBlueEyes]

@asker Whomever she was engaged in activities with may have felt “cockblocked.”

[Asker]

@FruitAndBlueEyes why?

[FruitAndBlueEyes]

@asker The friend was anticipating the real thing but got virtual sex instead.