What are your thoughts on being a single mother by choice and choosing your sperm donor?

[chapawapa]

[nerdybutlazy]

it seems kind of sweet if you can afford and you don't have a partner, women aren't fertile forever, she can do what she wants.

[Cougar2Yall]

I think it is fantastic!

[Yads_Is_Back]

I have actually considered it.

However, I want my child to have both parents and be blessed, and I want a man I can love. So even though that is harder to obtain, that’s what I want.

[chapawapa]

Thank you for the feedback. I wish you the best in finding what you desire.

[katiesmuff]

In most cases don't we do that already!

[blank_expression]

I see it as satisfying a basic instinct only while selfishly not giving a shit about the kid having a complete balanced family. There is no doubt that daughters adopt the father’s personality while the sons adopt the mother’s personality typically. There is definitely shared genetics and best served by balance.

[DianaWest]

easy for men to say when they can have kids until the day they die and will never have to worry about the thought of dying alone and having no purpose in life. is it fair that a woman's dream of becoming a mother relies solely on a man's decisions? plenty of single parents already exist in the world, and the kids turned out just fine (as long as the single parent is responsible and financially stable, which i am sure single mothers by CHOICE and not by chance would have a good deal of time to think about). moreover, having a mother AND father guarantees no one's happiness. the woman can always marry after having the baby to guarantee a father figure in their life.

[ArrowheadSW]

Well, there ARE sperm banks and they exist because women DO actually use them. This is kind of hard for me to imagine actually. But from what I've heard, women actually look at some sort of catalog and choose what kind of donor the man is. (Without revealing his identity of course.) I knew a lady about 20 years ago who was considering this. Why, I don't know. And I didn't know her for long and I don't know if she ended up doing it or not.

And there are women who will have a child by a guy they know. There is a whole area of law regarding this and if someone does it they need to discuss it with a specialist lawyer ahead of time. There are lots of legal ramifications surrounding this.

[On_the_other_hand]

To me the real question is... is it ok to bring a child in the world that will have a huge question mark their whole life "I have no clue who my dad is."

[DianaWest]

to answer your question, yes, it is ok. plenty of single parents already and their kids turned out fine. having a mother and father guarantees no one's happiness. i am the type of person that absolutely adores babies. i dream of having 3 of my own. but i don't think it's fair for women to wait around for a man to guarantee her that beautiful gift and dream. especially since women's fertility starts declining at 30, while men can have kids till 100. the woman can always marry eventually, after having the baby, so the baby has a father figure in their life.

[Karin_Anna]

One of my best friends has done it. She was tired of always finding deadbeat guys or players, she didn't want to get too old so she had a donor.

[chapawapa]

Totally understand that. Very difficult to find a great man to raise a kid with.. I totally respect that decision.

[ArrowheadSW]

In this case, by "donor", what do you mean? Someone who she knew, or going to a sperm bank? Just curious.

[Karin_Anna]

The donor was through a clinic or sperm bank as you put it, she knows he is Dutch and of good stock and not some sweaty chav in a matching shell suit.

[ArrowheadSW]

Ah OK! Well there are women who use sperm banks. That's why they have them... LOL

[Tamera952]

Sounds good to me, as long as you can financially support it, sure why not?

[Jjpayne]

I'd like to entertain the idea of guys being able to do this too.

But there is an idea of the value and life milestone of being a father. Given there are different ways to do this and this is a valid thing for women to do but traditions of relationships I at least hope will still be valuable to some because I'd like to be a father some day...

[chapawapa]

Thanks for the feedback. always great to hear from you. It's definitely an option.. I wonder if guys can do the same thing. Find a woman to carry their sperm

[Jjpayne]

It's always a pleasure to answer your questions :)

[DianaWest]

men can do this as well. but as a man, you can have biological kids for a very long time. heck, even when you are 100 years old. ugh. mother nature wasn't as kind to women.

[Bluemax]

This is something I've had to deal with personally. Replace "mother" with "father" and you have me.

I knew I wanted to be a father ever since I was about 10 years old. I wanted fatherhood so bad I ached for it at times. I still do. A non-negotiable trait I sought in a wife was that she love children and want one of her own.

Furthermore, virtually everyone who knows me will tell you I am very good with children. It was my chosen profession. I had students outright tell me they wished I was their father. I've had single moms tell me they wished I was their sons' or daughters' father, too (and all that that implies... however I was married and even if I weren't, our school had a very strict DO NOT DATE STUDENTS' PARENTS policy).

Now I married a woman who wanted children. However, things happened and she could not conceive. Moreover, she maintained that she didn't wish to adopt. Please don't ask me further about this, as it remains a very painful subject.

Alas, my wife passed away. I now face the rest of my life without the love of my own family. This is a source of MUCH pain. Yes, I have nieces and nephews. I do see them when I can. However this is not, nor will it ever be, the perfect solution for remaining childless.

And some have told me to look into adoption. My response is I absolutely will not adopt for several reasons.

The primary reason being my age. I will be 70 when my son/daughter turns eighteen. They may very well face the loss of their father at a relatively young age, which is something I cannot accept for them. I don't wish to burden anyone with that.

However, suppose I never met my wife... or anyone else for that matter. Would I adopt then? The answer remains no.

I believe the ideal situation is for a child to have two loving parents. I recall my own parents. Seeing them in a loving relationship with one another had a profound impact on me growing up. I will not bring a child into my life without the model of a loving relationship. I consider it an unnecessary risk to the child to bring them into a situation without the model of two loving parents. Better that child should be given to a family that CAN model such a relationship than bringing them into my life when I cannot.

Allow me to be the first to admit I could be wrong (but I don't think I am), but two loving parents is ideal. Bringing children into a situation without that is an unnecessary gamble. Could it turn out great? Of course! I know situations where it has. However, I wouldn't risk it when I could avoid it.

I know this isn't the answer many childless people want to hear, nor is it a popular one in today's social climate. And believe me when I tell you I *literally* feel your pain (I often come home from hanging out with children where I have cried myself to sleep). However, for the sake of the child I would not take such a gamble.

Whatever your choice, I hope things end happily for you. All my best.

[DianaWest]

you could always adopt a slightly older child. they sometimes get overlooked because many people who want to adopt want to adopt babies or toddlers.

[Freddy78361]

Don't do it. I have already responded to this type of question. You are doing irreparable harm to your offspring.

[chapawapa]

Can you please expand on the topic irreparable harm with your thoughts to why that is, not nessesrly research driven, just thoughts on why the damage you propose.

[Freddy78361]

I want to be a single mom by choice. How would I know which method is best for me? ↗

[chapawapa]

Asked for your feedback. But thank you for the feedback have a great day

[Freddy78361]

My answer was in there and I explained why I don't recommend it. And then the thread got crazy.

[TadCurious]

I think it's very unfair to the child.

[Miristheiss]

I think it is selfish, disgusting and an offense against goodness.
Study after study after study shows that a 2 parent home is almost always better and healthier for a child, economically more stable and less likely to be a drain on society as a whole... no welfare, kids growing up to be criminals or promiscuous.

Choosing to be a single parent and bring up a child alone with no father and in most cases probably financially needy and possibly sucking off society and tax payers... the child has a much higher risk of dropping out of school, getting into drugs or crime, getting pregnant early.

Awful, selfish decision.

[chapawapa]

Take into account some women does not have a significant other, would it be best for that women to choose to live a kidless life?

[Miristheiss]

Of course. That is why it is selfish. "I have to have what I want" no matter the consequences to everyone. Me, me, me.

[DianaWest]

ah, so women should die alone and childless because her dream of becoming a mother rests solely on a man's feelings and decisions?

[DianaWest]

so easy for you to say it is selfish when men can have children till the day they die, but when some men fuck around, lie to and cheat on women before their wedding day only to change their mind and decide to not marry after all, that's not selfish. that's being a smart guy who knows he can afford to wait till he is 60 to get married and have kids. having a mother AND father guarantees no one's happiness. unless you can predict the future, you shouldn't be so bold with your statements. statistics about single parent families are usually factoring in impoverished homes and poor socioeconomic conditions. single mothers by choice have a very long time to think about their decision and ensure their financial stability to support a child and give them the best opportunities in life. the woman can always marry after having a baby to ensure they have a father figure in their life, but who are you to get to say a woman should just accept her childless fate and die alone depressed and without any happiness or purpose in life because otherwise she is "selfish?" for some people, having babies and raising them is the most beautiful gift and dream. there are now families with two mothers or two fathers. as long as you love and want the child. plenty of people in today's world have kids and then abandon them. why don't you criticize those people instead of people who love children and WANT to have them.

[CHARismatic110]

I'm 98% sure that's the route I'll be taking and I know that I'll go to the ends of the earth for my child so I don't care what anyone else has to say about it. I know so many people that grew up with both parents and are still fucked up. Hell, i grew up with both parents and can tell you some stories. I say do what's best for you. To hell with what anyone else thinks.

[chapawapa]

🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 Awesome girl. 😘😘

[lanadelrey25]

That's extremely selfish wtf

[chapawapa]

If you may, please elaborate. Thank you for your feedback

[lanadelrey25]

So many kids out their have issues bc they didn't have a dad or mom vice versa, both parents is ideal

[chapawapa]

If you take into account some women do not have a significant other, would it be best for that women to choose to live a kidless life? Since she cannot fulfill her desire to birth her own child.

[lanadelrey25]

Yeah, get married or have a partner if you wanna have kids, don't give them a confused life bc you were selfish

[chapawapa]

Take marriage and a partner out of the picture. What would you do? Kidless or birth your own child? This question is referring to single women with audience of older 30 plus

[lanadelrey25]

Go kidless, it's the selfless route

[chapawapa]

Ahh interesting. I posted a question and took a poll. Some people thought living a kidless life was selfish. Interesting. I will have to combine the question. Thank you for your feedback.

[lanadelrey25]

You're welcome

[CHARismatic110]

And there are so many fucked up people put there that grew up in 2 parent households. So that logic is flawed. Calling someone selfish because they choose a different path is fucking stupid.

[lanadelrey25]

@CHARismatic110 Bitch, fuck off this isn't your convo

[DianaWest]

@lanadelrey25 it is not selfish at all, and good thing most people don't give a damn about others' opinions. can you predict the future? no? unless you can predict the future, you shouldn't be so bold with your statements. statistics about single parent families are usually factoring in impoverished homes and poor socioeconomic conditions. single mothers by choice have a very long time to think about their decision and ensure their financial stability to support a child and give them the best opportunities in life. the woman can always marry after having a baby to ensure they have a father figure in their life, but who are you to get to say a woman should just accept her childless fate and die alone depressed and without any happiness or purpose in life because otherwise she is "selfish?" for some people, having babies and raising them is the most beautiful gift and dream. there are now families with two mothers or two fathers. as long as you love and want the child. plenty of people in today's world have kids and then abandon them. why don't you criticize those people instead of people who love children and WANT to have them. plenty of children grow up with a mother AND father in dysfunctional, fucked up homes. your opinion means nothing, and more and more women are choosing this route. but hey, freedom of speech, but also freedom to not give a fuck about your opinion.

[Don-_-Don]

I was raised by a single mother, and I'm not sure if my upbringing would've been any better if I had a dad. My mother was only able to provide the material things that I may have wanted/ needed.

Everything else I had to get through with my own.

I like to consider myself a good outcome of kid who was raised by a single mom.

In the end, the world doesn't give a fuck on your background or how hard things were for you.
If anyone can get it through their heads that life is a do or die thing. Do it right to be damned for a live dwelled in misrey, then being raised by a single mom is fine with me.

If you don't have a dad, then you have no choice than to be your own dad.

[chapawapa]

Love that story. Thank you so much for sharing 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

[angeliquedevereux2]

I would if I hadn't found the one by like late thirties

[DianaWest]

i'd probably do it by 30 because everyone keeps telling women their eggs turn to fossils after 32. fascinating how it's usually men who say that.

[Broken_doll]

I wouldn't do it unless I didn't have a choice. A child needs both parents. If not, you have to find a father figure

[bethgurl]

Horrible I want to see my sperm carrier

[Jamie05rhs]

I think this is dumb. Sorry.

[DianaWest]

of course you do. as a man, you can have kids until the day you die. as a woman, you only have until about 30 or 35 and have to wait around for a man to figure out if he wants to marry you or not. is that fair? should a woman's dream of becoming a mother rely solely on a man's decisions? many people find their purpose in life by having children and raising them. they bring so much joy and happiness to people. having a mother AND father guarantees no one's happiness.

[Jamie05rhs]

@DianaWest No, you do NOT have to wait around for ANY man! That's where you're messing up. DUMP his ass. Move on and find someone better.

[DianaWest]

@jamie05rhs that makes sense, but most guys seem to want to date for 3-4 years before committing to anyone. that's a lot of time wasted.

[Jamie05rhs]

@DianaWest Not me. I can commit within one month. But I still have to date you for at least a year before we get engaged. I just want to be 100% sure. I hope you understand.

[19vetteman91]

Sure as long as you can afford it and none of us guys and gals through taxes have to pay for you to be a mom

[chapawapa]

What a condensing post.

[Oram52]

Why is that condescending? So she wants to be mother by choice but want us tax payers to pay for it?

[chapawapa]

It is a statement that shows a predetermined perception of people and implies that through this statement. If you have a money question (which is not apart of the topic at hand) a non-preconceived way to approach it would be to ask what would be the financial situation of the women who are choosing to be a single mother by choice then determine the appropriate statement with facts or an opinion based on one's upbringing/values.

[19vetteman91]

Why would I need to ask that way seems like it's wasting slit of time when I can verify it in my a swer

[19vetteman91]

Answer

[chapawapa]

Not really wasting time. It's called getting to know and understand someone. "What would uour financial status be if you went that route?" Or "Would you be financially prepared?" Anyway yea. Ok have a great one thanks for the response

[Oram52]

"statement that shows a predetermined perception of people " It doesn't show any predetermined perception at all, it is valid concern. It seems to me few simply disliked the comment. If their is discussion about wanting to be a single mum, then this is very legitimate view point. It would make no sense try ask about financial situation. The assertion simply was as long as these women are not immediate burden on society it doesn't matter.

[chapawapa]

Oram52 it does show a predetermined perception. At the very less it is insinuating and insulting comment to make... If you can read that and understand that. I don't know oh well. Language matters.

[chapawapa]

Also I never said it wasn't a valid question or concern to have. Money is a top factor when preparing for a child

[Oram52]

How would you distinguish between predetermined perception and a comment someone disliked? Now single mothers on welfare is a political issue, and it may not be as common some might portray it to be. However it context of someone desiring a kid it is reasonable to assert. Look if you're not dependent on others, if you wouln't require welfare then it is non-issue, as it doesn't impact anyone else. eive a child through sperm donor. No where it was asserted as not all single mothers are automatically assumed to be on welfare, and no where it is assumed conceiving through sperm donors automatically implies welfare. For it to be presumptuous there has to be connection. So why would you say the comment was 'predetermined perception' and not because you disliked the comment so you automatically assumed comment to be a blank statement, negatively connecting anyone conceiving through sperm donor to be dependent on welfare? I don't see how this comment was 'predetermined perception' - predetermined perception would require blank statement and assumption single mothers leaching of welfare to be norm. It was legitimate comment highlighting if you wouln't be dependent on welfare no one cares and shouldn't matter, as it has no impact on others.

[chapawapa]

well a disliked comment is subjective and a having a perception that is is predetermined is having to early of a picture/awareness of a person. Hence his statement of that bypasses all courtesy is getting to know someone and skips to welfare. Language matters, how you communicate matters. "Now single mothers on welfare is a political issue" not really its a personal choice to do with one's body. This im not from a country where the gov. can dictate my body. Though they try... It's a very fine line. His whole statement talked of and insinuated that there are mothers choosing to be single mothers on welfare. That's why the tax portion is in this comment. If he wasn't assuming welfare and taxes. It would have read "sure as long as you can afford it" not to bad and more reasonable. Having a perception and disliking a comment are two different things. Liking a comment is subjective and having an already formed perception is just 'jumping the gun' before getting to know someone. So I dont know what your asking So you automatically assumed comment to be a blank statement, negatively connecting anyone conceiving through sperm donor to be dependent on welfare? - I didn't assume that. I would say his statements made it it clear that he definitely thought that to some degree some women might be single mothers by choice and on welfare... And I assume you meant blanket statement. - its not really a concern for for anyone. Finance wise it really only a concern for the mother to deal with and anything else is just prying. Anyways this is not a political post.

[Oram52]

Yes but the issue is when something is discussed in this format there is no way to get to know someone first. There are different perspectives on issues, and he raised the issue of not having to rely on tax payers, which you found condescending. Maybe even if the way the comment was directed it still doesn't negate that important aspect, you're saying he could've been more polite or not be presumptuous in that not assuming that you're someone who'd automatically end up on welfare. That is fair comment & you're also saying it was unnecessary. Even if you are 100% correct welfare aspect is still important in this context. Though I presume if someone wants to become mother through sperm donor there would be some background checks including if they can financially support a child. ""Now single mothers on welfare is a political issue" not really its a personal choice to do with one's body. This im not from a country where the gov. can dictate my body. Though they try... It's a very fine line." Nope, it is *VERY* political issue then, you are correct you have 100% autonomy over your body, but no one is entitled to welfare. No one is entitled to someone else's private property. The purpose of welfare is helping people in need. It has no correlation with personal choice as money received through welfare does not belong to recipient. Its not to say I want to stigmatize someone on welfare we can all end up there.

[Oram52]

"His whole statement talked of and insinuated that there are mothers choosing to be single mothers on welfare." It may not be the norm but there are still considerable amount of women stuck on welfare because of their own bad choices. Choices where they don't even know who the father is. So yes in that case they are dependent on welfare, there are some women who are single mothers choose to be on welfare. That's why this argument exists, no one is entitled to other people's private property paid via taxes. Again I don't want to stigmatize anyone, and we don't know what might've led them to seek welfare. However it doesn't mean women leaching of welfare don't exist, otherwise it wouldn't be an issue. "its not really a concern for for anyone. Finance wise it really only a concern for the mother to deal with and anything else is just prying. " It she will be planning on relying on welfare then absolutely it is everyone's concern as everyone else would be paying for it. I am curious how would you have worded the comment that has started this discussion.

[chapawapa]

We are going to have to agreeing that we disagree... Women have been told by the government what they can do with their body. So much so they have sterilized women of color in lower SES... Anyway. I don't want to continue this conversation or keep reading what was posted. Simply because if I wanted to talk about money and politics I would have directed my question that way... Although this post is open to both genders its really just a question for targeted for women. But thanks for your input. Have a good one.