How do I get past this?

[Anonymous]

My last boyfriend implicitly made me feel like an object to be admired and that I was only valued for sexual appeal. He did really care about me for more than that I think but he had such a large focus on my physical characteristics. He always wanted to jerk off when on the phone to me and tried to get me to have phone sex which i only tried once and it made me feel umcomfortable. I never went the whole way with him but he did want me to give him a blowjob and I said I wasn't ready yet and he emphasised his disappointment through his actions ( e. g. pouting and telling me that I was wasting time with him) I ended up feeling guilty enough that I did end up doing it. I regretted it a bit afterwards and felt a bit pressured even though he never forced me. It didn't hit me that hard then but after we broke up it did. Now in my current relationship it's hard to make jokes sexually or dirty talk or anything related at all to that. It's hard for me to feel comfortable with some things even though I've moved on from all that and I sometimes I get upset and am emotionally set off at even the slightest suggestion that there is more of a focus on me sexually then me as a whole person. I don't know why but it causes me to feel really sick, upset and start crying randomly and I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid of feeling used like and made to feel uncomfortable like that again even though my present boyfriend loves me for who I am.

[Breanna_nonbinary]

Become a feminist. Seems like being a feminist has been getting a bad wrap lately. But it’s only because men don’t like the idea of being equal with women.
Being a feminist means that you don’t rely on others to define you. Not advertising, not men, not anyone. It means you you assert yourself and put your priorities above the needs of others. It means that you don’t play the “what if...” game. That you don’t judge yourself by the standards that society has placed before you but by the standards you set for yourself. It means that even though others may see you as “eye candy” and objectify you, that you strive to show them them that you are much more than that.
So be a woman, and be the woman you want to be.

[Gwenhwyfar]

You need therapy. At least you have a good guy now.

[Asker]

I don't know I just never really considered it as that bad and didn't want to seem like I was overreacting as it's not sexual assault or rape or anything like that. I suppose it could be considered a form of sexual coercion though. He didn't see that as him pushing me to do it though. Yeah I do have a great guy now I'm lucky to have him.

[Gwenhwyfar]

It WAS sexual coercion. Please talk to a therapist.

[Asker]

Fair enough okay thank you

[Gwenhwyfar]

Welcome 😊

[Wise4myage]

This is the kind of jerk that ruin it for us good guys. Just be patient with this new guy and make sure he knows how you feel and where you stand. I think you will ok in time, but if you aren't, then therapy would be a good idea.

[Asker]

I don't know I just never really considered it as that bad and didn't want to seem like I was overreacting as it's not sexual assault or rape or anything like that. Just a slightly crappy relationship. I don't know I've just got to find some way to get over it eventually and maybe therapy might me that option as it's been about 10 months

[Wise4myage]

I agree, after ten months you should have moved on by now. But like I said, don't be a rush with this new guy.

[Asker]

Okay thank you

[Wise4myage]

You're very welcome. I wish you the best. :)

[boggboss]

You clearly have not moved on if you still feel that way around your new partner he is being branded for what your ex did

[Asker]

I guess that is true I think as shitty as it ended up being he did show me what I don't want in a relationship but I guess it just made me feel pretty shitty. I don't want to brand my new partner and I know it isn't fair on him because he is great. It's just hard to communicate it with him because he hates an mention of exes which is fair enough and he hates talking about things in the past. He will get upset with me and think I'm comparing him to my ex which I'm not I just feel uncomfortable with some things and need more time to warm up that's all but he thinks it isn't fair that I'm not giving him the chances I gave the other guy.

[boggboss]

And what makes it worst you both are right you have your reason to be guarded and they are fair reasons that he is not willing to talk about why you are like this makes things harder and you should have the time to recover the only issue is that he is also not wrong in that he was never given the chance to prove he is not like your ex can come off as you loving your ex more then you do him the overthinking mind or if he entertains insecurities which you may not but its not hard leaping to that conclusion and thats why this situation is so messy

[Asker]

I completely understand that, It is messy I don't know I guess I'll have to find some way to get past it.

[Chris2769]

Sorry this happened to you.. Are you comfortable to tell your current boyfriend this?

[MarkyMark77]

that sucks! u think u will have a new boyfriend anytime soon or did that scare u off?

[Deku2009]

Yeah speak up to your current boyfriend tell him how you feel about sexual stuff

[bassinguy76]

It's hard to trust again, but if you don't, you will never grow your current relationship. Sex is a big part. Try communicating and I think you will feel better.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need therapy.. It sounds like your past boyfriend messed you up psychologically.

Giving a blow job to your boyfriend shouldn't be remembered as a traumatic event.

[Asker]

Thats true Thank you