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Has someone been through a similar situation? Am I a slut?

HeavenStealer
I feel incredibly guilty. I'm a 17 year old girl. Me and boyfriend were in a relationship for 8 months. Last month we started fighting a whole lot and I thought he doesn't want me or something I don't know. I had thoughts about him doing other people, people I am insecure about, in turn I had 2 thoughts about 3 faceless guys doing me and one with a person, now these people weren't people i knew, or people who exist. These thoughts were 2-3 mins and just felt terrible afterwards. Due to covid i had started masturbating a lot and uptill last year i wouldn't do it as much. I couldn't tell him, but knowing me he figured out but didn't tell me he knew and we broke up, promising to work on themselves. He has been through a lot in life, he sounded insecure and I thought I ruined his life. I didn't like these thoughts, so I decided to work on them, they were like unwanted inhibitions, I talked to a stranger on the internet, who told me it's in my nature to be a slut, he was kind, but he told me to tell my boyfriend since he figured he already knew. I talked to my boyfriend and he said he knows, but had lost all faith in me and asked me to not lie to me again. I told him all of what I had thought, and it just broke him and ofc he couldn't believe me, wondering why it is him who has to suffer this way, and why i couldn't have been normal. He thought that maybe I would do these things in real life. He decided to forgive me but I feel really ashamed of myself and pathetic. We're still on with the other thing, he still couldn't handle me crying, and went out of his way to be kind to me, and I don't know I have promised change but I want to disappear to have put him through this. I won't lie to him again, and I will change. Has someone been through something similar?
Has someone been through a similar situation? Am I a slut?
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