Sexual Relationships
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Girls, how did you get past a betrayal?

so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. He's 30 and I'm 22, and last year I caught him watching porn. Not like as in caught him in the act, but I was joking around and took his phone and was all "haha I got your phone" when I spotted something in his friends messages, he had been sending and receiving videos of various women in various states of undress that personally i consider porn. Mostly if they were wearing anything at all it was just a thong. We'd already kinda been having issues with sex, he didn't seem to want to do it as much and he claimed it was because he was old. Yeah come to find out that about once a week or so he would just wait for me to go to bed and then jerk off, whether or not I had already tried to sleep with him that night. I think that's what hurt the most. I was being rejected for his hand and a screen. That hurt. And I'll admit, I've gained weight. I started birth control because he doesn't like condoms, and within about 2 years I went from never being 100 pounds to 150 pounds. I've been trying to get back down but so far I've only lost 13 pounds. Anyway I freaked out, and he promised to stop. Since then I've caught him 2 more times and even went insane enough to put parental blocks on the internet which I still feel guilty about. I've totally lost my mind and I don't know how to stop. Every day I don't feel good enough. It's been about 4 months since thr last time I caught him looking at anything (and I've been going through his phone and doing random checks) but in my head I'm CONVINCED that's all he does when I'm not around. This isn't healthy at all. And I know that. I've become toxic to him , but I've given him every chance to leave and he hasn't. And I don't want to leave him because I mean aside from this he's a good guy. Girls, how did you get past this if you've gone through it? And how long did it take to heal?
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Superb Opinion

  • It make sense for you to feel betrayed/hurt, not because he watch porn but because he prefer to watch porn over having sex with you, it sounds like he is addicted and/or not attracted to you. Most guys watch porn, but most guys also prefer sex with their girlfriend over porn, otherwise why he is in a relationship with you in the first place? and guys tend to be more sexual than girls, so it's usually guys who want to have more sex in a relationship than girls, and one of the main reasons for why guys watch porn while being in a relationship is because their girlfriend is not having sex often enough with them, and it's a lesser evil in comparison to actual cheating. The fact that you gained weight might be a turn-off for him, but you still 8 years younger than him and you are on birth control for him, those factors are a turn-on for most guys, and I believe that they should outweigh your gain weight, no pun intended. :)

    https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AManIsAlwaysEager

Most Helpful Guy

  • Do these nudes come from the women in question, or it's friends of his, like guy friends, sending him nudes of models and stuff like that? If it's the latter, I don't see such a big problem. I still understand that there is an issue, though, when he doesn't want to have sexual intercourse with you, even though you're trying to initiate it all the time. It seems like he lost attraction towards you. It might not be the weight, though. It could very well be all the drama. Maybe go to a counselor and get therapy for couples (?) That's the only idea I can think of. If there is no cheating, no violence at home, no anything except this sexual matter, I'm no expert, but I'd say maybe breaking up isn't necessary

Most Helpful Girls

  • This is a tough one and only you can really decide. He’s already shown you that his words don’t mean anything. At this point, your just waiting for him to do it again. And deep down you feel it will happen. That’s not healthy. You have to decide if you can live that way, always in fear that he will be sharing apart of himself with some random chick. Or, you end it, grieve and move on to a happier relationship

  • Going through a very similar situation except I recently had a baby and it wasn't porn it was a video chat, I don't mind him watching porn personally but I don't like him interacting with other women. I'm still trying to figure out how to go about it myself cause I feel like I'm going completely crazy. Bad situation all around.

    • A video chat would be a whole other level, i would be completely devastated, especially after having a baby. The porn is hurtful, especially since I've been paying several hundred dollars a year on birth control for him, i couldn't imagine having a child and then finding it. And I get that I sound totally insane with the drastic measures I've taken, but it's also like no one really gets it until it happens to them. Especially men, and I think that's part of why it's so hard for women to understand. Like we don't look, we don't do that, so why do they feel the need to? I mean I get looking every here and there. Maybe there's some pretty co-worker or something that they have noticed, I get that. But I just don't understand the lack of control men seem to have

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Thats betrayal? Wwatching porn? I hope thats not what your saying. That would be funny!

  • So the fact you're upset over a man watching porn n the first place is insane. And at the end you're basically claiming him. What do you mean you've given him every chance to leave but he won't? Girl you should b thankful. No other dude would out up with what you've done. Parental blocks? Seriously?

  • Why can't you accept that like most guys he watches/looks at porn

    • I really don't know. Like I think before I actually caught him I kind of just had a don't ask don't tell kinda thing, but it didn't really bother me until it got to the point where we would go a few weeks without sex despite me trying to do stuff almost every night and constantly making sure I was prepared in case he wanted to, only to find out he was saying no to me then waiting for me to go to bed to watch porn. Like it felt like he was choosing them over me , and then it kinda just spiraled into a pit of the whole "why wasn't I good enough" or "what am I doing so wrong" deal

    • It is a problem that he always turns you down for porn, but you should never assume that porn consumption means you aren't good enough.

    • well he doesn't anymore since the last time I caught him. I had his stuff packed up for him ready for him to go stay at his moms because the time before that I told him I couldn't deal with it. He swore he would stop and like I said I haven't SEEN anything, i mean he turns me down sometimes because we both work full time jobs and have 1 day off that's actually together. He works in management in a supermarket backroom and I work in a warehouse so sometimes were both tired. But it's not like before at all. I'm just paranoid because I don't know if he actually stopped or if he's just gotten better at hiding it

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