Sex? Do I have your attention?

[justme1218]

Guys why is sex more important than spending time with your significant other?

[MrOracle]

I don't think it is, but I also would say that it's likely that you both are horny, and it's likely that you both only get a chance to have sex when you are together (i. e., you probably don't have "side pieces"), so it's pretty normal and common to have sex together whenever you can.

My most recent ex had only been with 3 guys before me - a drunken one-night stand that she barely remembered, and 2 boyfriends. The first one she had sex with regularly, but he was a 3-pump chump, so sex rarely lasted more than a couple of minutes, and then they were on to something else. The second guy, who she was with for 3 years, only had sex with her about 10 times during that entire time - and let me tell you, that was a HUGE problem for her, but she felt that the problem was HER somehow, and it did a number on her self-esteem. She'd been single for about a year before we met, and one thing she made clear before we committed to being together was that sex was important to her and that she wanted to make sure I made it a high priority - as in, if we had limited time, and it was a choice between having sex or going out, she'd prefer we had sex - and she preferred that we had sex every time we got together (typically 3 or 4 times a week) if it was possible.

Now, to be fair, we spent plenty of non-bedroom time together, and we went out and did things, but she'd lived through a relationship where sex was a low priority, and it was awful for her in many ways, and she was determined not to ever do that again.

I thought that sharing HER perspective might be more helpful than my own. But my experience with her wasn't really unique - the vast majority of the women I was in relationships always wanted sex whenever we got together, even if that was 7 days a week. Sure, we also did other things to - even if it was just cuddling on the couch watching a movie - but sex for them was just as important as it was for me, and if I waited too long to initiate, they would inevitably start pouting and rubbing against me and letting me know that they were ready to go. So, I think most people would choose to make sex a priority, though I would say that most don't want it to be the ONLY priority either (and this includes men).

[justme1218]

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy sex with my husband even if it only last a few minutes lol. My issue is that is seems that is the only time he wants to spend time with me is if sex is involved. I understand people have different love languages but 2-3 minutes of sex every few days doesn't constitute as time spent to me. I've mentioned it multiple times to him. I guess I'm trying to understand his logic or someone that may think similarly because he doesn't seem to have any answers other than he can't help it.

[MrOracle]

I understand what you're saying. It seems that, outside the bedroom, the two of you have very different priorities and perspectives - and unfortunately, you didn't take the time to figure that out BEFORE you got married. But this probably isn't a deal-breaker, as it's a minor enough issue that the two of you can probably adjust. You need to sit him down and tell him that you understand that he has other priorities and sees things differently, but that spending some quality time with him is something you NEED, and so he needs to make time for you on a regular, on-going basis. And be reasonable about what you're expecting - say, 3 hours a week, across a minimum of 2 days at at least an hour at a time. Let him know that you understand that it may seem like a sacrifice to him (he's clearly used to being single and filling his time with whatever interests him), but that it's also a sacrifice for you, because you NEED that time, and would prefer much more of it, but you're only asking for a fraction of what you'd prefer, because you want to be reasonable. And if you say it that way, it will be tough for him to argue against that. And, who knows, after a period of adjustment, he may realize that he really enjoys that time and may even want more. Stranger things have happened. But communication is the key to solving this problem, and if he's reasonable at all, it will probably work.

[justme1218]

I completely agree. When we first got together I was only 18 and still very insecure and stuck in the mindset of I need to be the "typical" 50s style housewife. I believed the way to keep a man happy is sex and "minding my place" and didn't have much of a voice. I gave him more time to himself than with me and the kids because he works. I still find myself doing this so that's definitely bad on my part. I grew as a woman and found myself and my voice and I think that's where a lot of the issue is. He still expects me 9 years later to be that girl instead of the woman I am now. It isn't a deal breaker because it's not like we are unhappy all the time. It's difficult to get him to understand my needs since I've evolved as a woman without him taking it offensively.

[MrOracle]

Completely get it. But that's why that communication is so important. And make sure you don't put any "blame" in your voice - this isn't about blame, and he hasn't done anything wrong, it's just that your needs have evolved, and you need him to find a compromise with you. If he goes along with it, make sure he knows that you appreciate his efforts - and him overall. You may not realize how far a bit of appreciation goes, but for guys, it's HUGE, and if we feel appreciated, we're FAR more likely to want to do things to make our woman happy - and like I said, it doesn't take much - just a few sincere kind words is a LOT.

[justme1218]

Thank you!

[Berethor]

Well you sure know how to get a guy's attention, though in GAG it's a common topic. What better way for a guy to spend his time with a significant other than having sex with her? guys tend to be more sexual than girls, also guys and girls tend to be different in other aspects too, so it's likely the a guy don't have much other hobbies that he can enjoy with his significant other. :)

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SexSells

[iambae]

Sex is the reason we are all here in the first place. Its how a man and woman grow closer and form a lasting bond. Without it you just have weirdness going on.

[TadCurious]

This question is like asking "Why is playing with your dog more important than spending time with your pet?"

[Miristheiss]

I wouldn't say it is more important but I'd would say they aren't mutually exclusive and spending lots of time with her just tends to make you want her and desire her and feel like you have to have her.

They sort of feed off each other.

If a guy wants her only for that and then doesn't want to be around her until the next urge then that is probably a sign he doesn't love her, she is being used and it is time for her to move on.

[Avicenna]

Both are important

[bluetoblack99]

Ah some guys including myself enjoy spending time with girls. For real I do. But sex has to be part of it. I’m not one of her girlfriends. I’m a man.

[chriscdi]

i wouldn't say all that

[Philyouup]

had no idea it was. I think you over generalized the question.

[jasco]

For me i am a virgin once thats over I don't know if i will want sex till maybe a week or 2 but i usually do spend a lot of time with my girlfriend

[mrArcher]

Because we are very, very, VERY horny.
I feel like men should be given more free sex. Not that they deserve it, but it would bring out the truth much quicker. You'd see the men who are genuine and those who are fake.

[FreePrometheus]

My main love language is quality time so, cuddling and being close are the most important.