Why can't I be normal and not a monster?

So pedophilia is something I am against very much so, I would go out and help rescue little kids from being trafficked and I would wanna protect them! But sometimes when I am scrolling through tiktok and a little kid is dancing, I get unwanted thoughts of them being sexualized? I overthink a lot and my mind runs rampant with thoughts all the time, if someone doesn't say hi to me someday I think I did something wrong to them. And it's like I can't control my thoughts, I know pedophilia is wrong. And whenever I go out and see kids I am not ever sexually attracted to them. it's the thoughts that go on in my head that ruin it. Like my friends brother is older now and he's like 16 or 17 and I find him attractive sometimes? Whenever the thought goes in my head I try to get it out. But it sticks in their more. I am 23 and I am so unstable. I don't know.. Is this normal? Is it my terrible anxiety or do I have OCD? I am so worried. I don't wanna be like this, it's like why me... Whenever I watch a documentary on girls getting captured or when they are explaining on what happened to them sexually, I sometimes get a weird tingly feeling in my genitals. I am a female by the way. how the fuck did I get this fucked up?

Like I think that's why I can't find a decent man because he secretly knows I am a monster.. I really need advice

I watch a lot of stuff on pedophilia but I have recently stopped because it gets to me. I started crying...
like I stay away from kids from this reason. I'm just a fucked up piece of shit. this is so wrong of me. I over think all the time. thoughts come into my mind and my mouth says differently but my brain says different. are these intrusive thoughts?
1 y
I'm contemplating suicide..
Why can't I be normal and not a monster?
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