I recently found out my wife of 15 years gave another guy a massage. Is this a big deal or not?

[Husband-40]

I am age 40, my wife is 38. We have been married 15 years. We both work in the fitness industry. I am 6-2 195lbs, she is 5-7 135lbs. You could say we are an attractive couple

[btbc92]

At this point you're going to have to have a serious talk with her. You going to have to really look at what was the situation and why did it happen the way it did, and just straighten it out with your wife. Find a way to make amends with this person, but at the same time make sure that she fully understands that you do not accept and like the fact of what she did. How I made you very upset, and you don't agree with the fact that knowing she is a married woman, she is married to you, and she's doing something that gives you the wrong impression about what is being done. Whether it was intentional or not, she should not do it again. Because if she does it again, there's going to be problems. Don't even worry about the other guy, worry about what goes on with your wife.

[Husband-40]

Great advice! I did have a serious talk with her about the situation. I now know why and how it happened. I will never make amends with him however

[btbc92]

It's best you do because harboring that hatred and that in your system ain't good for you. You rather go to hell because you can't forgive a person like that? Then you're not going to really help your marriage either just by doing that. For the sake of your marriage this is why you have to make amends. You don't have to deal with him. You don't have to accept them in your life. But making amends is better than harboring that and God forbid get you sick over it. That doesn't mean that you lower your guard. That doesn't mean that you have to trust him. That doesn't mean that you have to have him around. But forgive whatever problems that is between you instead of holding it in.

[btbc92]

Put the foot down as a husband. If she really loves you she would not do it again. Even if she doesn't agree with it, her actions will speak louder than words. At the end of the day she has to respect you by respecting herself. And she's not respecting herself when she's doing that.

[Husband-40]

Man you make good sense. It’s just this is a pretty deep situation. He made matters worse by running his mouth. Telling people what a great massage my wife gave him. He fueled the fire

[btbc92]

He just wants to get underneath your skin. Anybody who has any sense of morals and standards would not even dare want to listen to him. Because at the end of the day he just wants to try to break up your marriage. If you felt that your wife was not somebody worth marrying you would have never married her anyway right? You should be able to trust and love your wife. Why would you listen to somebody who's new offense acting like a scumbag? Because if you listen to Rumours like that all you're doing is just going to hurt your wife. I believe that she's just lacking proper judgment and we all tend to do it from time to time. All the more reason to forgive your wife. Just don't listen to him. He just wants to act like the devil. You know what the Bible says? Resist temptation and the devil will flee. So resist the temptation. And he will eventually go away. As a head of the household cover and protect your wife.

[Husband-40]

I am glad you responded. Your insight is incredible! Especially the Bible reference! And your right he does want to steal my wife! She did willingly give him a full body massage and it is hurtful. I will always try to protect her. Me and him have had it out over her

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

if her massage was good why shouldn't he tell everyone? he's welcoming good business from others, if she wants extra money then you can't stop her. You dont own her.

[btbc92]

That is his wife, he is very much in control over what she does. It's up her to submit to her husband or not. Like he says the guy has been wanting his wife. His goal is to shame the husband as a form of infidelity. That's all.

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

oh brilliant, might aswell divorce then if he can't even trust her. He doesn't own her. Marriage is not a way to make her his slave.

[Husband-40]

I don’t own her, your right! This guy would love to split us up. I don’t want a divorce, but I am disturbed by the massage

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

what you do is your business but acting jealous or possessive is just falling into a hole. You've spoken to her about it, she's responded. Does she care how you feel? That was up to you to observe. If she doesn't care (it wouldve been evident in her reaction), you have to decide if it's so bad it's worth seperating over. What is clear is it's all in the open. No secrecy. My massage therapist has a boyfriend, but she's not unprofessional and nor would i care if she was my girlfriend. You can freely go to a massage clinic get a massage and tell your wife the therapist was amazing (if she was). Then she'll realise she's opened a can of worms and you literally dont give a shit what she does, which will have her needing to repair the damage.

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

and by the way btbc92 is making it sound like its all your fault and you have to fix it, such a feminist thing to say. It's not your fault and it's not for you to fix. by the way i'd go as far as refusing to have sex with your wife, keep making excuses. Show her that youve lost respect for her because you have. She needs you to validate her again. After a few excuses you do have sex, stop 5-10mins into it stop and say 'im not feeling it' and turn over and go to sleep. Doing all of this is naturally showing her youve lost that emotional connection and she'll be thinking.

[btbc92]

Did I say that it was all his fault? Please do not call me a femisnit when I am not, and neither put words in my mouth I never said. I had made it very clear that he needs to calm down and be rational with his thoughts, mindset and actions, before he cause more trouble for himself and his marriage. You're telling him the wrong thing that's going to jeopardize his marriage and God forbid cause them to have a divorce. You are not married, you do not understand what it means for a person who is married to be sensitive to the things that goes on in their marriage life. It is for him to fix because he is a husband, she is the wife. They both have to fix it together. That is not what you do in your marriage. Before you tell him something is going to make his wife want to end up in divorce if not cheat with that man. Wrong advice to be given when you yourself don't even have a girlfriend.

[btbc92]

That is a quick way for a woman to cheat. They own each other. That is what marriage is about. It's not about being a slave. It's about being subservient to each other. That's the point of being married. He knows what his duty is as a husband. He needs to keep his mind focused, not stress too much, and continue on focusing on his marriage. Not do what you're suggesting.

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

man one thing i learnt from here is never listen to a woman's advice. When a married woman has ruined an emotional connection with her partner, the first thing she thinks is cheating on him? WRONG. This would only happen if she was at ends with a man and she wasn't at fault for it. He needs to show her that she will lose him and then she'll have nothing. He should also grab the interest of women and show her he is still in demand. If he is a fitness instructor, he should flirt with the women he's around. Women act emotionally, they absoluetly cannot deal with the loss of an emotional connection.

[btbc92]

No you don't listen to anything that is not supposedly benefitting to you. At the end of the day you are not married. Let's just get that one thing clear. You are not married. Your personal values is not the same as his personal values. Your principles are not his. Your so-called morals are not his morals. Your beliefs are not his beliefs. First of all you are not a woman so you don't know nothing about what a woman does and why she does what she does. Has nothing to do about her ruining an emotional connection. So let's not try to pretend like we know exactly what her intent is because we don't even know that much. In a way how this sounds, it sounds like to me she again with lacking judgment. That happens from time to time. No he needs to show her that he is a man That Forgives, a man that loves, and that he is somebody that she has to learn to respect because he can only do but so much, if she does not listen to him. No he should not be grabbing interest of other women. You are going out of contacts. And that is not how you treat your marriage partner. This is not dating man. This is marriage. And marriage is not a game to be fooling around with. And you're telling him to go out the bound that God has laid out in his Commandments when it concerns to be a married. What has Jesus said about what that? He has says if a man even looks at another woman he already lusted after her and commit adultery in his own heart. You are telling him to commit adultery. And that is a sin. No, don't go around speaking as if you no woman. It has nothing to do with the fact that we can't deal with all the moth no connection. You sound very psychotic in order for you to actually speak that way that is not normal. I don't know who hurt you in the past but you don't sound psychologically stable and this is not to be disrespectful this is me telling you the truth. Because you are speaking things that is not normal.

[btbc92]

And first of all a woman can't think about just cheating. You don't already have to have a man. All it takes is for her to be emotionally broken, for her to being emotionally neglected, and it should go to God forbid we wanted to seek that in so cold male friends. What she sees she can find a friend with an a person, the next thing you know is he going to end up being tempted, and if she doesn't resist temptation then that's how she usually ends up in either an emotional affair or in bed with him. Again, sorry to say. You are not a woman. That's all it takes is for her to see that he's doing that, and then that's what she got bit ends up in bed. And then was going to be? I think you would like for them to separate and end up in a divorce. I don't think you want to see anybody in a happy marriage or relationship. That is not stability. And marriage is about having stability. Having forgiveness heals marriage. Because it's who he married with so much of a low-down woman he would have divorced her long ago.

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

when someone wrongs a person that person will naturally will switch off from them. If they dont, it's telling the someone that the person is easily forgiving and therefore the someone can continue being bad knowing forgiveness will happen again and again. It is harder to redevelop an emotional connection when it's lost, it's harder to develop trust when it's lost. This woman? you want her to have it easy. No. She cannot have it easy. Stop accusing me of not knowing what im talking about just because im single, i am in my prime and know how to treat a woman. If they want behave badly, they'll lose the emotional connection and it feels like a knife to them.. they dont want to feel that pain and so theyve always gone above and beyond to repair it, i am cynical because women made me that way and i love it.

[btbc92]

I ain't telling for him to let her off easy. I want him to use his head because he is the one that is married. If he ain't careful about this, his butt is going to be taken to divorce court but something that can be easily avoidable. Buddy there's no such thing as being in your Prime. You are getting older like the rest of us. I don't remember being emotionally abusive and neglectful being a good way to actually being fateful and communicating to who you are with. No you're cynical because you want to. I can be cynical myself and I know better not to behave in those ways. And no not necessarily it's actually a choice. It's only as hard as you choose to make it and I know because I'm a stubborn person myself. And no. When somebody runs a person they themselves have to decide if they're going to switch on off. Everybody does not have the same personality.

[btbc92]

I have forgiven people many of times. And I did not automatically just shut off like that. I learned to forgive. If that person had done me wrong on multiple occasions then then it shouldn't have, then yes, I still get to decide whether or not if I shut off or not. A person continues to be bad because they want to. Not because they have to. Be there for an evil person will continue to do that. They'll do it whether you're good or bad. A wicked person is a wicked person. And it sounds like to me you don't really have that much experience to actually make that kind of judgment. Because you sound so simple minded. That is not how relationships work. It is way more complicated than that. Especially for women. That's what you're not getting all understanding. I want him to understand that he has to hold her accountable but he has to do it the right way. And it does not start but being sexually neglectful and abusive besides being emotionally neglectful and abusive. All of that is grounds for divorce. Massaging another man, is not. That is something that can easily be remedied as long as she stops. That's why I told him to forgive her, but give the guy, and keep him out of their lives.

[btbc92]

because the more he feed into it, the more the other guy is going to tempt the wife, and if she's not strong enough to resist the temptation, then he may end up losing his wife to that man. For what! It's not worth it. Do you not understand it is not worth it? You want to talk about me giving a feminist answer you better double-check and look at yourself because you acting like a male feminist. And this is not me just accusing you, this is just me giving you the facts that you don't want to see and hear for yourself. What you're saying requires a therapist because you need to seek healing. You are not healed and you are a broken man who was telling another to do something wrong because you are so broken you want others to feel the same pain you're feeling. Because you know if he's able to fix his marriage with his wife you can't feed off of it. That is toxicity. And he does not deserve to be having biased answers. He deserves to have the truth and nothing but the truth. And his emotions, and his thoughts and feelings does not deserve to be invalidated. Because you did just that with your own OP. You are using too much of your negative emotions and you are not being rational. You're going to have to learn to keep your emotions out of a logical conversation. Before you put this man in moral Jeopardy because he followed your advice. I meant telling him to allow his wife be off the hook. But one thing for sure I don't want to see this man to be a divorcee either.

[btbc92]

This situation is going to take a few months if not a year or two to at least try to heal. But if he don't get started on it now, he's going to live a marriage of constant resentment and that leads to more misery than her giving the other guy a massage. Those two are one. If there is no understanding, that is a problem somewhere, and it takes two to fix. He can't do it all by himself. She needs to equally be a team player. Or else she decides whether or not she wants to stay married. He can't afford to be having himself be made guilty. Better for him to be blameless, than to be accused of blame a d have a RECORD of FAULTS.

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

I've seen how you respond to men previously, you're doing exactly the same here. I'll repeat again, I've learnt from here never to listen to a woman's advice. Women don't want a man who forgives. They respond to men who know their worth. You're claiming what I said is abusive? Hah sex is not entitled. He can refuse sex when he wants. He can react coldly because guess what she now has dirty hands. Blood on her fingers. Reacting cold, will have her feeling absolute guilt. You women seem to want equality but without the responsibility, well this is a prime example of not being responsible. I can see you're now manipulating this guy with your threat of divorce to forgive easily. @husband-40 if you're sensible you will ignore her advice and react naturally that she's been bad and with that comes a human reaction of coldness.

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

Also stop being a Karen and drowning out others responses with your unfound accusations and tens of messages. You're also single and you seem to want men to be simps. No woman wants a simp.

[Anonymous]

I always love how people say crap like "you could say we are an attractive couple"

I could also say you are spayed toed ungulates, i honestly dont know which one is more true.

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

Women in fitness centres tend to be massage therapists too. You can't control her, he probably paid her good money for it. I'm sure you would do the same if a willing attractive woman paid you to massage her or put suncream on her.

[Husband-40]

My wife isn’t a massage therapist. She willingly rubbed him down

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

good for her, being tied down to one guy isn't natural. The whole world is available to her and you're lucky she's settled with you for the majority of her life.

[Browneye57]

Only if she sucked him off too. ;)
Your stats are irrelevant, and you're an image in your own mind. LOL

[Husband-40]

Well, ah not sure how to reply to that

[Browneye57]

Are you absolutely sure she's not out trolling for Chad Thundercock? Do you know clearly in your mind how to prevent that?

[Husband-40]

How?

[Browneye57]

Are you a REAL MAN? Are you the leader in your relationship? Are you rich beyond belief? Are you awesome? Are you on your life mission. This just scratches the surface. I'll tell you right now women get bored with the mundane, and if her man isn't the most awesome thing she's ever experienced in her life, she's just as likely to wander off and cheat or bail. And YOU will be the ASSHOLE when she does - it is ALL YOUR FAULT, no matter how or what happens. Time to wake up and smell the coffee. The ONLY way to keep a woman is to simply be so fucking awesome she couldn't afford to walk away. If she's not in awe of you she's just as likely to wander off. I guarantee it. What the fuck is she doing massaging some guy? Is it innocuous? Or is it suspicious? Does she give any other clues as to her satisfaction with your relationship? I she giddy with joy? Or in a slump? Does she shit-test the fuck out of you? Or is she content to follow you to the ends of the earth?

[Avicenna]

Is that her job? Why did she do that?

[Husband-40]

No it isn’t her job. I had heard some rumors of them flirting. Why? Not exactly sure myself

[Avicenna]

Then she had no business doing that.

[Husband-40]

I agree. I am really upset about it

[Agape93]

Nope

[Anno2]

Might be a problem with happy ending otherwise I wouldn't be a dick about it

[Husband-40]

Problem either way

[ninjafemme]

A massage but for why. But she's with you not him. I dont understand.

[Husband-40]

I guess she wanted to give him one. I am not happy about it

[ninjafemme]

I would also not be happy

[Husband-40]

I am definitely not happy! Me and this guy don’t like each other as it is

[ninjafemme]

This happened to me where a guy i was with , touched another girl while he was touching me but i was faced the other way. And i hated this girls guts because every guy i went for she would try to steal him.

[Husband-40]

I get that. Me and this guy are very competitive with each other. I have heard he finds my wife hot!

[ninjafemme]

Well its a pricky situation , but calm yourself no need to get grey before your time.

[Husband-40]

It is a bad situation! I already confronted him about it

[ninjafemme]

And how did that go.

[Husband-40]

It was one of those, you stay away from my wife. He was like it was her that gave me a great massage. It got intense

[ninjafemme]

Hectic.

[Husband-40]

I made the mistake of confronting him at a gathering. My wife was there so guess it amped things up a notch

[ninjafemme]

wasn't a mistake. She must witness what she caused.

[Husband-40]

I guess, my wife had stepped out on the patio for a cigarette and he followed her out, so I definitely didn’t like that

[ninjafemme]

But yah like i said be easy for your own health.

[Husband-40]

But probably wasn’t the time to confront him

[Husband-40]

Under the circumstances

[ninjafemme]

If you think so. You feel very strongly. In time you wil feel better.

[Husband-40]

I just mean confronting him on the patio with my wife right there. It was obviously going to get ugly

[Iron_Man]

Not good

[Gedaria]

No, why what's wrong with this...

[robertKugler]

Ooh my God.. you let her live... lol
.. embrace it man... How sexy
Is that's.. that if your a good boy I'm sure you"LL get a turn...

[Husband-40]

Don’t think I can embrace it

[robertKugler]

I see... Well.. by that I meant.. it b Probabley when further.. what if it's worse than u know.. I d practice adjusting my thinking on that matter as difficult it my be.. towards a positive spectrum... To familiarise my self with feelings that prepare u mentally for a possible less than ideal circumstance...

[Husband-40]

It was a full body massage, so yes no idea circumstances

[robertKugler]

You want me to torch his car. n put a sheep's head on his front porch...

[Husband-40]

Lol... sure, go for it

[Twalli]

It shouldn't be a cause for alarm.

[KrakenAttackin]

Not cool. Good chance this massage ended up with her giving him head or at least a handjob, probably more. I would not tolerate this.

[Husband-40]

Thanks for your reply. Yes she was wrong in doing it. Even knew I didn’t like the guy

[On_the_other_hand]

She massaged a guy you don't like? That is messed up.

[Husband-40]

Well...

[Husband-40]

I know what happened

[On_the_other_hand]

What do you mean?

[Husband-40]

Just responding to the bj or handjob comment

[KrakenAttackin]

Best of luck.

[GreenGold1992]

that depends, what kind of massage?

[Husband-40]

It was full body

[GreenGold1992]

talk to her about it

[Husband-40]

We have discussed it

[GreenGold1992]

So what'd she say?

[Husband-40]

She admitted to giving the jerk a full body massage

[GreenGold1992]

Do you trust her and believe that?

[bamesjond0069]

Big deal. she's been thinking about cheating on you. Better fix this asap.

[Husband-40]

What makes you think that?

[bamesjond0069]

Because she gave a man a massage. If you need more explaining than that just learn to masterbate to cuckold porn because thats where your marriage is heading.

[Husband-40]

Lol cuck... not hardly

[In_Trance]

Youve asked about it here so I'd say it is

[Husband-40]

Lol, well yeah! Sometimes it is good to get opinions from folks not associated in anyway with the situation

[allenwants2]

I think you already know the answer to this one

[bobbistar]

It was past

[CubaPirate]

Only if there was a happy ending

[Husband-40]

Well...

[pureslaya18]

Welp it's a problem if it came wit a happy ending. But it depends how much u trust n know ur wife. If she was feeling him its already a dead issue and isn't worth tripping bout. If she not den u just gotta inform her of ur concern.

[Husband-40]

Feeling him? Explain