Guys, Why won't my boyfriend commit to me?

[Electra_Imperfect]

I have been together with my boyfriend for 2 years now ( 1 year in person, and 1 year ldr )
Just few months ago, the issue started when another guy I had an on-off crush for some 10 years (we have just been some friend-college senior like relationship) told how he wants me in his life, and I told him I have someone. Then he asked me if that guy will be walking down the aisle with me. I couldn't say anything, because though my boyfriend and I have been together for quite sometime, he actually has never committed to me.

I then told the senior guy that I need some time, and asked him to move on. I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend.

Some of the things that my boyfriend tells me, the reasons why he is not committing to me:

1. Money. I am from a bit of well to do family, he is from a not. He needs some time to build a career, and be in a suitable position to commit and come out to my dad.

2. Age. He is a few years younger to me. I am 26. He needs 3-4 years.

3. Family. His elder brother is unmarried, and he wants to wait until he finds someone.

The past few months have been let me thinking. My reasons:

1. Sex. He was my first ( I know, 24 was quite late to break the virginity, I did have my first kiss at 17 with my first boyfriend ). Our sex life is ok. But he has never made me cum. I know it sounds weird. But, he doesn't likes to play, or finger, more. I understand sex is important. but I don't know, I love to give him oral, well, he doesn't. Fingering me and giving me oral seems like a job two him.

2. My mom talked to him, when I was stressed and crying why he was never committing to me. He simply told her, that if I will marry him/commit to him, my life will be very challenging.

3. When the senior-guy confessed about wanting me in his life, my boyfriend simply told me, it is my decision, and he will support me whatever I say. Umm, I would have loved to hear him say back off to that guy, and tell me that I am only his girl.

[PrudentGuy]

A) How much do you think your current boyfriend loves you?

Ya I know the saying "if you loves someone let her go. If she comes back she's yours forever". But that's fairy tale. How much does he hope you'll return? Will he be heartbroken and stay sexless for the rest of his life? Maybe? Likely not.

B) will your family demand him to reach your social status? Will you? If yes then there could be an issue. But if not, have you and your parents talk seriously to him about it?

What about asking your parents to offer a loan for housing down-payment?

Yes, not asking for a house, but the initial $$$ to co-purchase a house, then he pays them slowly along with the bank instalment? This will surely lighten his burden to have a good start with you.

C) 23 could be too young to marry. But what about getting engaged first? Have a simple ceremony of engagement. Then plan for a wedding date say 5 years down the road?

While you buy your house and stop paying rent, use that money for instalment or a used car.

Start life like you're married, even like, you support him in his business?

The above are just some suggestions if you really love him and he confirms his love for you (but obstructed by life's mundane). Hope it helps.

[Electra_Imperfect]

A. I am very sure he loves me. And I don't check upon him too to, because I feel that is very unhealthy. I trust him truly. And I feel that he will stick with me. But the thing to note down is.. I had a teenage relationship of 3+ years, and he cheated on me after that ( I feel, that was because due to my conservative bringing, as I was not ready for sex yet, he moved on of me ). I don't feel bad now, He was an amazing guy and I am happy for him now. But this has made me insecure. I have though deep buried it inside, but I am afraid, If that is the case with my current boyfriend too. I don't know.. No, not forever, but for sometime I will wait for him, as long as I am able to ( physically and mentally ) B. Yes. They will demand him, a lot. I have never done this until I was stuck up at my home during quarantine ( I am a university student, My campus demanded us to move home ) Many things have started revolving in my mind due to being 24*7 with my parents and their thinking, but still I am hopeful. My mom talked to him seriously about this. He answered the above fact to my mom.. I am not sure of talking to my dad about him right now, as there is no commitment in our relationship. I am pretty much well with my work ( I am a grad student ), and by next year I will be joining my job, so I will earn a decent living ( upper class ). I think, we will be able to provide to his family easily once we get our jobs. Also, it is not a good idea asking my parents, I am pretty sure they will ridicule him indirectly. This is the last thing I can think of.

[Electra_Imperfect]

C. Yeah, exactly. Even I think so. That is what is bothering me. I am not even asking for a ring. I never have had. All I demand is a commitment after 2 years of relationship. That I can be sure he is the one, and I need to relax on us. But my parents, they budge me a lot. I have been postponing them, and they have given me at max of 2 more years. Else they will try to set me up with another family friend's son. Yeah, I am just, scared. I should have told this in answer itself. I have lent him a lot of money until now. From what I have earned ( Its not that it is a big amount for me and affects my bank balance ). I recently lent him money for some construction work going on in his house. Before that, I went to see him before cover quarantine happened, He paid half money for my flight tickets, and half I paid myself. But then, I felt bad, as he already has a big family to take care of at home. So I returned him double of his share of flight tickets money ( He only spent the money when I was at his place, so I thought he might be tight on money, so I sent him some extra ). I hate to think money binds him to me. I don't know. We talked about it, and he said it is not the case. But it is like every 3 months, I end up sending him money ( amounts vary, though the amounts are never hard on my pocket ) This was not the case with my first boyfriend. He was from a family similar to mine. Also, this was never a case with my on-off crush, He is from a family similar to mine, and himself is engineer at Uber, US. I lend him money, because I feel bad for him struggling for little money, and not being able to focus on his work because of that. I really don't know, Am I wrong in doing that? Yes, that helped me question myself. It definitely helped. I am truly very grateful to you.

[PrudentGuy]

Wow, I so much complication in your relationship that pales Disney's trials for lovers. 😪 and im truly to read them here. Sorry I can't help much since your parents are involved in your choice of spouse. But i do wish you well and hope as Disney's ending, "and they live happily ever after"!

[PrudentGuy]

Corrections: * wow I read so much...* * ... and I'm sorry to read them here *

[Electra_Imperfect]

Thank you so much for understanding. I can't thank you enough I understand, parents have a lot of saying in my life. Still, thank you so much again for giving me precious time

[PrudentGuy]

Most welcome and once again, I wish you good health now and a happy future.

[Avicenna]

Yeah, that was a fail on your boyfriend's part. A guy that really cared about you would have (figuratively) been on the warpath about another guy being interested.

[Electra_Imperfect]

I feel the same

[genericname85]

his reasons sound a bit like excuses. i advise you to think of it in the terms of: what benefits does "committing" have for him?

[Electra_Imperfect]

Sometimes I have started feeling the same. Sorry I didn't get the last part: what benefits does "committing" have for him?

[genericname85]

yes. what does he get when he commits?

[Electra_Imperfect]

I guess, me.

[genericname85]

he already "has" you xD doesn't he? think realisticly. what advantages does he get if he decides to commi?

[Electra_Imperfect]

I am very sorry if I am budging you. I read your comment again and again, but I couldn't understand about "benefits" I though am able to count a lot of liabilities, like loss of freedom, getting stuck with one person for the life. As of benefits, the same ones which he has now. Your question really buzzed me. There are literally no additional benefits.. I think so.

[genericname85]

well that's exactly the point i'm rising. there's negatives that come with commitment that you mentioned. loss of freedom, loss of range of personal decisions, public control pressure. so you have a lot of reasons on the side that speak against commitment. and nothing that speaks for commitment, cause he already has everything and doesn't gain anything with commitment. and that's what you need to realize. if there's nothing that he "gains" from committing, why would he do it? it makes sense not to do it.

[Electra_Imperfect]

I understand your point. In a few years or so, I would love to have kids with the guy I love. And I would love to live in with him, like a proper couple does. I would not move in with someone unless I have a commitment. Perhaps, the benefits apply to me only I guess. It does clears. Somethings. I can see that we both might need different things.. maybe. You are a guy. If I was your best friend, what would you have suggested me ( or hinted me to )?

[genericname85]

what exactly is it that you want? commitment is vague. you want to be girlfriend and boyfriend in public or you want him to propose? what is it that you want?

[Electra_Imperfect]

Hmm. I think I got an answer. Thanks.

[genericname85]

what is the answer? :D

[Electra_Imperfect]

I want a different thing, would love to raise or have kids after a few years. Also, move in with my partner. I mean, I am not saying that stay together even if it doesn't works. But I don't know, commitment is what I have always seen around me, that lets people try on sorting things out and not leave right away. I am just afraid to go without it, especially, If kids will be involved 5-10 years down the lane. But I am too much pestering him over this commitment thing. And maybe the benefits of commitment that I am looking at are actually not the ones for him. I will think for sometime, give him sometime to think of it, and have a peaceful talk, and we will check that If we both are on the same line or not, I mean, if we want the same future or not.

[genericname85]

i think you should most of all take some time and think about what "commitment" actually means for you and what you exactly want. cause it seems to me that isn't quite clear yet.

[Electra_Imperfect]

For me, it is the regular one. A formal declaration in the society, for an engagement or a wedding in the future. Actually, this is the idea I have been raised on. I am sorry to ask, But have I got the definition wrong?

[genericname85]

No, I think there's multiple definitions. Sometimes it means going from dating to boyfriend girlfriend. Sometimes it means introduction to parents. Sometimes it means proposing. so how long are you together with the current guy?

[Electra_Imperfect]

Oh I understand now. We have been girlfriend-boyfriend after 1 month of dating. Our moms know about us, but our dads dont . We have been together for 2 years now. The first year was in-person, the second year ldr. though we used to meet for a week every three or 6 months

[genericname85]

that's pretty damn rough. any chance that you move together? and how do your moms know but your dads don't`xD

[Electra_Imperfect]

Not until next 1 year. I am finishing my grad school next year, and I have to live in campus compulsorily. So I told my mom as soon as we became girlfriend-boyfriend ( she didn't take it seriously though, she thought he is one of my crushes again ) He told his mom about 1 year after, just like that. And we had a phone call. Umm, one more thing. I don't know if it is necessary or not. So, I only asked us, what is the status of us ( after 1 month of dating). He told me, to continue as we are. I didn't want to do that, so I told him (politely of course), that I need a status (I know, again, my issues). Then we became girlfriend-boyfriend. He says that he never asked me for that because he was afraid that I may go away. He tells that all the things and people in his life which he has truly wanted have left him.

[genericname85]

well that's an argument for commitment maybe. you can tell him that he doesn't need to be affraid of that when he commits

[Electra_Imperfect]

Yes, I will tell that. Thankyou so much again!

[FruitAndBlueEyes]

How much do you love the current boyfriend? If he doesn’t want to commit now and you do, then it’s time to have a more serious talk.

[Electra_Imperfect]

I love him dearly. At least that is what I feel. But his constant denials, even after 2 years of being together, and the above said things, I am starting to wanting to let this relationship go. Yes, I have had this talk with him multiple times, the answer is same.

[FruitAndBlueEyes]

Yeah, unfortunately, it sounds like you need to let him go 😞

[Electra_Imperfect]

Hmm.

[Iron_Man]

He’s not ready

[Electra_Imperfect]

Yes, I do feel the same. I am just, If he is not ready, he should tell me in my face, and not keep me hanging. I mean, 2 years are quite enough to know if you want to spend your life with someone, or not

[Twalli]

I think he doesn't feel like he deserves you yet. Until he does, he won't fight it if you choose another person.

[Electra_Imperfect]

I keep on reminding him that since he has been in my life, I have never did anything, but stayed true to him. What should I do in this situation?

[Twalli]

Even though you've been true to him it won't affect his feelings about not deserving you. The feeling of not being worthy has nothing to do with you being faithful

[Electra_Imperfect]

What do you feel I should I do in this situation?

[Twalli]

I don't think you can do anything but continue to care about him.