Did my boyfriend sexually assault me?

[Anonymous]

First things first, I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 27. We've been together for 1 month.

A few night ago, I started playing with my boyfriend's penis (outside his pants) since I noticed he was sexually excited. A few minutes later, he started unzipping my pants to finger me. My initial response was "no, I don't want you to finger me." And then he said "but it's not fair that I can't finger you while you're teasing/rubbing me." Then he started getting his hand further down my pants. I said "no" again and then he asked me why. I replied saying I don't feel comfortable since I hadn't showered yet after a workout and was worried about a potential smell. Then he said "it doesn't matter/I don't care" and started fingering me anyway. I felt somewhat disrespected afterwards. While I didn't ask my boyfriend if I could touch his penis, he's made it clear in the past that he is ok with me touching him outside his pants whenever I'd like (in our own privacy of course). I never touch his bare penis without his own willingness for me to do so and I'd stop if he ever said no.

In addition to this, I've made it clear to him that it's going to take me a while to be ready for sex (I'm talking 3+ months). He respected this and TOLD me he's perfectly fine with waiting until I'm ready no matter how long it takes. Then when things get really hot and heavy between us, he tries to convince me to have sex which goes against what he originally said.

Does any of the above count as sexual assault? Should i break up with him?

[AmandaYVR]

Look, I feel badly for you that you were in this situation and you don't feel good about what happened. And no girl should ever be seriously pressured into having sex if they don't want to. Any kind of sex. Sex is voluntary. End of story.

Half of guys could feel like, "Hey, at least I am pretty sure she likes me, she's into me." That's a good thing. Guys want to know they are sexually attractive to you. If they know that, some will wait.
The other half of guys might think, "Hey, don't tease me. It only makes it harder for me to wait and contain myself for these months you want to wait. You have no idea how uncomfortable, sometimes even painful, it is to be worked up and not get any relief." He can go home and masturbate, yes, but of course he'd rather get off with you.

Oral sex, and hand jobs are not nothing. They've become "no big deal" to a lot of young people. You are not one of them. You are obviously categorizing all sexual activity under a larger umbrella, and you want to wait for all of it (I presume.) And I support you in that decision, while you find out just how much you like and can trust him. It is a wise and prudent move in today's climate, especially.

However... you activated the launch sequence, girl. You played with fire.
It's not really clear from your description just how much you touched him, what the look on your face was, the tone in your voice, and what your intentions were.

It sounds like you said "no", but did you really, really mean it? Because that dynamic is as old as time. 'No can mean kind of... sort of... maybe... I'm not sure... convince me.' Other women have done that sometimes, and therein lies the problem. So be upset with them, not just your man. He was doing what came naturally to him. He let (yes, decided) his physical desire take over his thinking and rational mind. But if you really, really did not want that to happen, then should have said loudly, firmly, without any hesitation in your deep and clear voice. "No. This is not going to happen. I mean it. I'm serious." Anything else... it is very dangerous to label this as sexual assault. He did not overpower you, force himself on you. Did he? Now think carefully about that. And do not, like a pink user said, call the police. Absolutely not. That would not be justice. And that could seriously alter his entire future. Don't take this lightly, don't let him cross your boundaries again if that's what you want; have a talk with him, and say "no" firmly and then walk away next time. If that doesn't work, show him the door.

[Varanus]

While that's not a great situation, I think it's a huge stretch to call it sexual assault.

It's normal to want sex, and 3+ months is a really really long time to be with someone without being intimate. You're basically initiating sex by rubbing his dick, and then by saying no, you're sending wild mixed messages. He's going to think you actually do want sex but you're shy and afraid.

You do, of course, have the right to back out, say no, and stop, no matter what. But the more hot and heavy things have gotten, the more clear, firm and absolute you need to be with your NO and STOP. If he keeps going after you've told him, in no uncertain terms, to stop, that's sexual assault. Now, I wasn't there, and I don't know your tone when you said No, but I'm guessing you could have been a lot more firm and direct.

So, should you break up? I can't make that decision for you, but I do think you need to have some real talk. I think you owe him an apology for the mixed messages, and I think he owes you an apology for not respecting your boundaries. I think you both need to communicate more clearly with each other. And I hope you can both learn and become better, more empathetic people in the process.

[jgokgotit]

Yes it is sexual assault. The three most common sexual crimes are sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape. Sexual harassment is anything sexual that does not involve physical contact ONCE IT HAS BEEN MADE clear by you for them to stop. For example, sexual jokes, advances, asking out repeatedly, etc. However, for sexual harassment to occur, it has to be made clear that the behavior is unwanted. Most of the time that means either telling the person to stop directly or having someone else confront them. RAPE is forced sexual intercourse, oral or vaginal. Sexual assault is any physical sexual contact that is unwanted. Rape and sexual assault both involve the victim making it clear to the offender to stop. The only difference between rape and sexual assault is that rape must involve actual sex while sexual harassment is sexual contact that falls short of sex. Technically a man showing his penis if not called for is sexual assault as well in some jurisdictions. You told your boyfriend "no" and he continued so he committed sexual assault. If he did it once he might do it again or even advance to rape. Even if he does not, he showed disrespect toward you by not listening to your concerns and respecting your choice. If this is the first time he has done this, have a talk about how unacceptable it is. If it has happened before, RUN THE OTHER WAY FAST!

[Anonymous]

Yes, would technically count. He is being too pushy for my taste. I don't like either - him proceeding when you said "no" and him trying to talk you into sex.
Talking you into it might even be a little more worrying than him pushing too far in the heat of the moment (neither is ok ofc.)
I simply dislike the fact that trying to talk you into sex is premeditated behaviour intended to put you under pressure, a very conscious attempt of manipulation.

Side note: It is good that you told him directly you were worried about smells. Always be up front about potential insecurities. Sweaty pussy would not matter to many men, it is actually really hot in my opinion. But if he was into that, he should have taken the time to talk to you - if you were really comfortable with him, you might have been willing to explore that route (if only maybe another day). Playing kinky requires a lot of trust between partners and must never be rushed!

[thegirlfromthething]

I think so. He performed a sex act on you despite the fact that you said no multiple times. It’s understandable that he thought it was okay to finger you since you were just touching his penis but he should have stopped as soon as you told him you didn’t want that.

[OlderAndWiser]

I would not call this sexual assault. You initiated the sexual encounter by touching him. That is not how sexual assaults happen. Apparently, you did not think you should call the police afterwards but you thought he acted a bit too familiar with you and disrespected you.

If you want him to wait for three months, then you shouldn't be playing with his happy stick and expecting him to not react at all. Unless you are a virgin, you should know better. Some feminist somewhere will say that you should be able to do whatever you want without opening yourself up to him making advances on you but that is quite unrealistic.

Stop playing with him unless you want to finish what you have started. Try backing off and dating without hand jobs or whatever. There are people who do that and they get to know each other first.

[MissDawn7961]

since you are a - slut and hoe - then you get what you get what you get , ha , ha

[inb0x908]

where is "thank you".

[Asker]

You're mental

[rachel776]

you've made this a very difficult situation for him. if you don't want him to do that, don't do it to him, only when you want both

[Berethor]

Maybe, but you playing with his penis a moment before that, so it's hard to take a girl like you seriously, and the reason that you gave him for not doing that was quite weak.

[roody]

Hmm... if you didn’t want it to escalate I don’t think you should touch him at all.. that’ll give him expectations. If you say “I’m worried about smell” then he’ll just say he doesn’t care and continue, be more firm. Do I think he should have listened when you said no? Yes. But I can also see where his headspace was at.

[TruthBringer]

So YOU'RE cockteasing him and then bitch about him being horny and wanting to get sexual aswel. Sure, a no is a no and he should have respected that, yet you shouldn't be getting him horny if you're not ready to fuck. We men don't like getting blue balls. If you don't want to get touched, then don't touch him either. Regardless of him saying you can.

[SphynxUK]

Yes, it was assault.
You said no.
You said it more than once.
You were uncomfortable.
Afterwards you felt disrespected.


He’s not going to wait 3m either. Once you give it up, he’ll be gone, but in the meantime he’ll try every opportunity he can.

[Tru-陳]

Tell him you aren't ready for sex, then start teasing him and touching his dick and then call sexual assault and cry when he reciprocates. Gtfo this is why so many men want to avoid women and your BS

[itsjustlew]

if you kept telling him no what he did is not okay, consent is key and when a woman says no she means no! you should talk to him about it and consider ending the relationship before any further harm happens

[jshm2]

No. But you should break up with him, as you're not really mature or sensible enough to be in such a relationship.

[TheCuriousDude]

Yes it is sexual assault you said no.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

You quote right here up above "A few nights ago, I started playing with my boyfriend's penis (outside his pants) since I noticed he was sexually excited " Than you get upset cause he was unzipping your pants to finger you... Yes, it's wrong in both cases you rubbed his penis on the outside of his pants this is where you should drawed the line and what he did was wrong cause you told him to stop... It doesn't take 2 wrongs to make a right always remember that sure somewhat he was wrong but why did you do what you did to him in the first place.. If a girl rubs my penis I am going to think she wants to do something with me?

[Drumlin2001]

He was out of order, technically was a sexual assualt. His defence would argue that your actions lead him on.
If you aren't looking for anything sexual to happen then dont start massaging a guys sexual organs.
Should you leave? Thats your call. You need to talk to him, let him know it's not ok and can't happen again. If you can't forgive him then end it.

[jgirl99]

Yea that was a sexual assault, he should respect ur boundaries and if he continues to disrespect u then u should end it, maybe u should end it now to prevent an even worse assault

[Browneye57]

This is called a 'prick-tease'. And we have a saying for it, "Don't be writing checks with your mouth that your ass can't cash.
I know, it's so complicated you won't get it. Bottom line is, don't be playing with the dick if you're not willing to fuck it.

[genericname85]

well you assaulted him first.

[joeldalton]

You said it yourself, you didn’t ask him for permission to touch his dick.

[crmoore]

Yes, it is, you said no several times and you did not explicitly give him consent after verbally opposing his actions. However, you made a mistake of ceasing to say no. Not that he's in the right by any means, but when you stopped saying no, he may have interpreted that as a green light. If you are being sexually interacting with in a way that you do not want, you tell them no and you tell them no fairly repetitively until they stop doing what they are doing (assuming they're not actually trying to rape her. It's unfortunate but there are times when someone says no but are unable to stop ot and may want to consider mitigating potential harm that can be avoided, but that's for another topic).

[Cellestial]

Just stop playing with his penis, he gets the wrong idea when you do that