How do you get over being used for sex by someone you were in love with after they pretended to love you?

[Anonymous]

So when I was 19 I fell for this guy. I had never even kissed a boy before I met him, and even though things started to go downhill I felt like loving him and sleeping with him wasn’t wrong. We were having unprotected sex, and I would sleep with him whenever he wanted. I was doing things out of being in love that I regret such as swallowing and anal once. I would call him the names he liked to be called in bed, I would give him oral sex while he was driving, I would do everything. I had only ever been with him (and to this day he is still the only man I have ever slept with). But he ghosted me and got with another girl. At first I still loved him and wanted the best for him until I found out that he had gotten with another girl. I felt that if he didn’t want to be together he should have respectfully broken up with me. He had led me on. And because of that betrayal I haven’t even wanted to try again. I won’t lie, if made me feel worthless. I had felt like comfortable with loving him and within an instant he diminished all of my love for myself. Like he was already breaking me down but he took the last bit of love for myself that I had left. And even though I have worked to find myself and love myself again, I am depressed. I won’t lie-what happened caused my depression to become pretty severe. I used to be kind of sad sometimes about life, but i had never felt so badly about myself before. I always wondered if he wanted to apologize for pretending to love me and recently I seen him. I walked away without a word because I couldn’t face him. And afterwards, his brother messaged me just to compliment a photo I posted (I have no idea why). I mentioned running into my ex and I implied that I would like to talk (for closure). I never got a response and I don't know... I just feel like I want to get over it but I don’t know how. I don’t think it was out of line to imply that me and my ex should clear things up because I just wanted decency

[btbc92]

The truth is you don't get over it. Because that's not something that you easily get over especially since you already put yourself in sexual sin. These were all your choices. And these were the choices only you chose to make. He could not use you unless you gave him the permission to do so. And you did because she knew you he knew you were naive, he knew you didn't love yourself, you would have perfect Target.

The only question that you have to really ask yourself what it is that you want to do for now on? How are you going to live your life? And what do you expect since you made that choice?

One thing I can tell you from intrapersonal experience. You're not always going to get closure. These days and then everybody will take advantage of you, that's why you got to be careful and that's why you got to learn to truly love yourself. That's why you have to know what it is that you're getting yourself into. Who in the world you interacting with. Why you're involved with them. Do the things you want to do. Etc. These are things that you got to personally ask yourself. Because the only way you're going to really move on is unless you have a plan on how you move on.

1. If you agree to having premarital sex, you already opening doors in your life that you're going to start regretting.
2. You never pay attention to the first person who really just pays attention to you without judging them by their fruits.
3. You got to make sure you're secure as a person first. You can't be looking for love in all the wrong places. You have to be the one that has to be able to really love yourself. But the one who can truly love you more is God because he loves us better.
4. You have to question are you going to continue to have premarital sex in spite of what you already went through? And what have you learned from this experience?
5. Understand because of your personal choices you put yourself at risk of not having certain type of people as partners.

Also to add. If this is a personal issue will you have a problem moving on, you are better off receiving professional counseling. Because you won't be able to really do all this by yourself. And you're going to need some structure. Set boundaries. And be mindful of who you invite in your life.

[LandoCalrisiano]

I really hope you are ashamed for using her bad experiences for trying to indoctrinate her with your sexual sin and god-related shit talk. As it isn't sad and pathetic enough that there is actually people like you out there believing the bullshit you're talking about. No you also have to act against what you claim for yourself being christianity or whatever by trying to put her even more down and judge her for the decisions she made. Just to make yourself feeling better about how pure and good you consider yourself to be, of which you're prooving by doing that, that you're not. You're not helping her or anybody else by doing that no matter what you're telling yourself about it. Acting like that just makes you a bad christian and also bad human being in general. People like you are the reason why i would love a god to be existing just so he can tell you how bad you failed about his faith and as a person! As any god would ever care about premarital sex 😁 Must be the most pathetic god ever and you willing to believe in a god that pathetic makes you even more pathetic 😁

[btbc92]

I'm not going to be ashamed for telling her the truth. I'm not here to indoctrinate her on anything she needs to understand that until she does what she has to do she's going to continue to have that problem. Maybe you don't care about what you choose to do with your life, but you forgetting the fact that there are others that actually do. They need answers to things, they want to know why they're having these problems, it ain't want me to tell her why she's having these problems if I know the reason why. And I do know the reason why. Other than that I personally know have been through it themselves so therefore I can give that judgment based on those experiences with. Actually it's not BS so again if you don't like what I have to say that's too darn bad. She has to make a decision about what she's going to do with her life. Because she's the one that sadly has to go through it. It's not you. You have to go through your own. And first of all I'm not here to put her down. I'm here to tell her what it is that she has to do so that way she can figure this out for herself and she won't have to continue to go through the same cycle.

[btbc92]

Sorry I believe in the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob the Alpha and Omega the beginning and the end. So don't talk about God if you don't care about God. Don't talk about him and you don't care about the things of God. Don't talk about what a good Christmas to be doing, just because you don't want to Christian to tell you the things of sin. It is a sin, I don't have those sexual sins, I think God I don't, and it doesn't make me better than another person. I care about her salvation, I care about her soul, and I care about seeing her being better when she's able to flourish sexually, she's able to flourish in her life, what she can have the relationship that she truly desires. She thought she can have that with him and she could not have that with him because he used her! Not like you give a damn. You don't know what that's like especially for a woman to be having to believe that the person that you would think would love you chooses to abuse you, still what's yours, and you will only give that to them which is bad enough, and then have all of that taken away from you! And you have nerve to tell me how I'm a bad Christian? You better look at yourself and you better look how you choose to speak to me. If I'm not helping her all she has to do is just tell me that herself. She don't need you or anybody else to try to step in and say something that she herself may not even believe in. You don't know what her personal beliefs are. A lot of Christians have sex outside of marriage and that goes against what God had called to be. Now she believes in the same thing as I do then what mister? I know you'll be the same person to start telling about always okay you're not in the virginity club or something.

[btbc92]

You don't care about that stuff so don't even act like you actually do. Is a sin. Because if it wasn't a since you would not be in this mess. She will not be feeling sad. She would not be feeling empty. You not be feeling broken. You will not be feeling unworthy. She will not be feeling unloved! Because that's exactly what she feels she feels robbed! In the word of God speaks about these things. Every other sin is done outside the body. The once you decide to do this that is sin against your own body! If God feel that way then all he has to do is tell me. I have a relationship with God. I had a relationship with Christ. So don't go around telling me what I don't have. Because it is the base that I have in the Lord who uses me to say what needs to be said. I ain't here trying to prove nothing about myself because this is not about me this is about her. Just about her salvation. About her making a choice about what kind of left you going to live. There are plenty of men that are just like the one she was with. Plenty. And I'm too she loves to love herself she's going to go off a bit continue to be in that cycle. Better truth in love than to be telling her a lie.

[LandoCalrisiano]

Yeah i was on the same side with you talking about loving yourself and you're right about most you replied to my comment. But what makes you think you're able to tell her what she has to do? Even though you might have made the same experienced it doesn't mean the way you handled your experiences works out for her as well. The believe about knowing better that religous people usually claim for themselves is just dangerous! You could have just told her your experiences to show her options how to handle it but you rather decided to involve god into this which has nothing to do with her issue. It's just your personal believe which makes it unnecessary to even mention something like sexual sin. You mentioned it to feel good about the way you're living your own life and not to help her and i'm pretty sure if you would reflect about it you will have to admit that. And besides it being intended or not you were judging about her actions which is no help for her at all! Take this as chance to reflect about yourself and your actions and how much your personal believes should matter if it's just about helping other people what you're claiming for yourself to be your intention!

[btbc92]

Because I had the knowledge in the wisdom from the spirit of the Lord. I have more than enough intrapersonal experience to know exactly what the issue is the pinpoint exactly what the problem is and her problem is is that if she did not have sex before marriage most of these things could have been avoided. And first of all I said intrapersonal experience. I don't have that experience thank God. But she could have easily avoided that. It does not mean that it's going to be easy. But she could have made it easier. God is involved with everything God is in control. It has everything to do with her issue. Because sex is a marriage and marriage is all about having sex. The moment she already choose to have sex the mama that she already become one with that person. That's not my personal belief. That is fat. There are scientific evidence and research to prove it. No ain't about me. It is not about me. It's about her. It's about her because I ain't selfish like the rest of your people. Well then buddy if you don't know how to use your brains and how in the world you expect to live? Then let your parents take care of you since you don't know how to use your brain. We all make jasmine every single day. You might as well not worried about your health because you don't have to think you don't have to judge. You don't even have to worry about going to work. Because you don't have to thank you don't have to judge. You decide when you want to get a paycheck. You might as well not go to college. You don't need that. But your judgment will say yes you do in order for you to get a job. So don't be talking about judgment and you don't know what that.

[btbc92]

I have been on this site for over seven years. My track record on this site is proof enough. Not even counting the things that I'm able to do outside of this site. Because God is the one that uses me for these things. It's not myself. I allow the Holy Spirit to give me that guidance. To tell me exactly what that person needs. Depends Point what issues that needs to be addressed. She needs healing. And until she gets that healing and understanding, then she will go off of it perish because of the lack of knowledge. That's what the problem with you people. You perish because of the lack of knowledge. She lost something that she will never be able to get back. Once you make that stuff that it. She has to understand how very serious it is. She is already going through serious depression. That is not a joke and you have no idea of the psychological, emotional, and a mental trauma that a person has to deal with. I have friends who went through the same exact thing and they had to go to therapy for 3 months because they lost their virginity to the person they have to marry that gave them promises that they didn't keep, cheated on her multiple times. And guess what? Still has to live with it. Have to live with knowing. Thank God it doesn't affect that person as much anymore. But it still affects and it still hurts.

[btbc92]

It's not a joke man. It's really not a joke. You don't know how dang serious losing your virginity like that is. How much psychological damage that does to a person it's not just sexually that's being damaged. It's the psychological. Because if I don't tell her the way I need to tell her she's going to God forbid do it all over again. That's exactly what happens once a girl specialist is opportunity. She starts seeking that out subconsciously if there is no change. They often end up sleeping with multiple people just try to get rid of the memory. It doesn't get better that way. It gets worse. Until she understand that oh, she may end up in a situation that's going to God forbid do far worse than what she's already experiencing. I have the right to warn her before she takes another step in the wrong direction.

[LandoCalrisiano]

Haha 😁😁 saying you don't consider yourself being better than other is just such an obvious lie so many religous people fall for 😂 and you just prooved the opposite by claiming you being the good one having an interest in peoples salvation 😁 But well there is no sense to continue this conversation as at this state of fanatism nothing i say will end up in you reflecting about your own action as you claim them to be in consens with good will which is just as egocentric as can be 😁 I really much feel pity for the sad live you must have had that lead you to this conviction

[btbc92]

I hope you realize that I honestly don't care what you got to say to me and I owe you no explanation for what I choose to do. Your mind is so polluted in toxic that's all you care about because you already have a False Consensus bias. So in actuality you're only embarrassing yourself and you're actually showing what type of character you got. And whoever said I was religious that goes to show you how very ignorant you are.

[LandoCalrisiano]

There might be a time when you actually join life on earth again and i will welcome you if you do so 😉 But as the imaginary construct you (not god but just you) build around yourself won't allow you to get in touch with reality this day probably and sadly will be hard to reach for you. I really feel pity for your fatuous soul

[btbc92]

I highly suggest you don't talk about reality buddy because you don't even see that half of the stuff that goes on around you because you're too busy and your own little bubble. You too busy and your own imaginary construct. I never built that around myself I always knew that long before. I'm in touch with this reality every single day. Keep mocking the things of God. Keep marking. Because every time you want to mock me, you don't know what God forbid you're going to end up going, because of the evil and the wickedness of your own heart. You're exposing your own Darkness. I refuse to be continuing myself on this kind of crazy world that I know it's already going to hell.

[Asker]

I didn’t read everything both of you posted but firstly I want to thank both of you. I’m surprised by the amount of men who sympathized with me. I didn’t expect sympathy at all. I expected harsh truth. I expected people to tell me about how stupid I was to do all of that. The thing is, I have repented. I have not slept with any other because I DO recognize where I went wrong. I think I may have even taken things to an extreme by refusing to seriously date until I felt fully healed (which I still don’t). I prayed for forgiveness at one point and I thought that it would save me from the feelings. Because that is what god is supposed to do right? But it seems that no matter how much I pray or how much i realize I was wrong, I don’t feel better. I cry every night and I am not asking for a single bit of pity because the sex was good. I know that If i had not gotten hurt I would probably have continued to engage in having sex, especially since I have never felt judged by others for having sex. My family knows what happened, and so do my friends. I have never felt smaller in their eyes for making the decision. But my feelings about myself are between me and (I hoped) God. But I am losing the part of me that feels that praying will work. Prayer has not worked to take away my negative feelings. I wish it were that simple but telling me “I know what you did wrong” is kind of going backwards for me. I know what I did wrong too. But I want to know what to do NOW. How do ai heal starting now. Without telling myself that I was wrong. It doesn’t matter how wrong i admit I was, that won’t fix things. I don’t expect anybody to have all the answers though so maybe all the people who recommended therapy are right

[btbc92]

Asker, you have to understand that when it comes down to prayer is not about taking the feelings away. It's about being responsible and knowing that you committed sin before God. As I had explained to the other person before I had him blocked because he was being very disrespectful. Every other sin is outside the body but having to do premarital sex, drinking irresponsibly, smoking yourself to death Etc our sins against your own body. You have to understand that it is literally a sin against your own body. And losing a part of yourself is exactly what sex is. You're supposed to lose a part of yourself when you have sex. But you chose to do this outside of marriage. And you have to have understanding what sex is. You have to understand that it is wrong. Not say all I'm wrong now I expected feelings to go away because that's not how that works. That especially doesn't work like that in life. If you know that you had stolen something from the store right, now you feel very guilty about it and you say okay I'm sorry I won't do it again, do you not feel that you still don't get any punishment from it? That's how serious sin is. But it's very serious especially with sexual sin. And I'm only telling you from the experiences of close friends and family that have done the same thing. It's just something that you sadly have to live with. But it doesn't have to Define your life. But you have to understand. I have told you everything that I needed to tell you in my original post. But it's a simple matter of are you willing to change from that, or are you going to do it again. If you're not going to do it again, then all you can do is just give it to God, continue to live your life, and God will handle the rest.

[btbc92]

Healing requires however long it takes depending on the person. I have my own battles that have nothing to do with what you're going through, but I do understand depression, I do understand feeling guilty of things, etcetera and sadly dealing with this other user is enough where I had to go through what I had to go through. You got to keep on going through life in spite of what other people want to say. What matters more is that you are willing to listen instead of being stubborn on deaf ears. It is better for you to be open to listen and hear then to not hear at all. I know God hears you, I know God loves you, and I know God Wants You better. But he has to make sure that you are where you need to be at. But you have to truly accept God and you have to accept what his standards are for your life. Because it's not our way it's God's way. It's not about what we want it's about what does he wants. When you align your will and your desires with his then that's when things starts falling into place. That much I can definitely tell you by testimony and experience. When you fight for the things that you desire in God, big things begin to happen.

[btbc92]

satan wants to continue to be having you in that dark place. But you don't have to accept what satan says to you. If God tells you that you are healed, believe that you are healed. If he tells you to go in peace, he tells you to go in peace, now all you got to do is believe in his peace. And when he tells you that you are forgiven now sin no more, you are already forgiven. Just sin no MORE. And if you are struggling with temptation, what did Jesus say? Resist temptation and the devil will flee from you. If you're still struggling ask God to give you the strength and the courage to be able to resist the devil. And you will not only just be empowered with your spiritual walk you'll be empowered in your life because you're walking right with God. He never said that the process was going to be easy, but what matters is that you're willing to take the step. So now decide what you're going to do. Are you willing to believe that you are forgiven and is ready to take that step?

[Asker]

I’m just very confused. I’m chuckling because the irony is that i thought this guy was a blessing. He was the only thing that was making me smile in a time where I felt that nobody loved me. My family and friends have not always been so supportive. I have felt alone for a long time. But I had hope. I was young and I thought that I could create a happy new family one day. I realize we all face our personal struggles but I felt like my relationships just weren’t normal. I was the provider instead of my parents, I was losing family through death, illness, and my coping mechanism was literally to just hope that things would change. Sometimes I would fantasize about my life being better. When he came along I hadn’t really considered love much. Like I said in the the post I wasn’t seriously interested in guys until i met him. He was cute and all, but above all else he just made me feel heard and like I could trust him and like I didn’t have to do everything by myself. He was a great listener and he did things to make me feel special instead of ignored.

[Asker]

I was used to my family just pushing me around and he actually acted like he cared. Clearly, things went south. But altogether, I just felt like I got worse. I wanted to see the lesson in all of this but I felt worse to think that the lesson was to learn the cruelty of life. Lol. Because I went right back to the old me- feeling like I was only able to depend on myself. except I lost the only thing that made being this much of a loner seem okay... the hope that it would not always be this way. Or worse, the idea that this wasn’t as good as it gets. I feel like it’s wrong to depend on people or to feel good in s relationship. I feel like I will fail if I don’t take complete control of my life. I just wonder what God wanted to get me to learn that wasn’t best BEFORE I commit such a sin. I was better before I met him. I wasn’t tempted solely by lust, I was drawn in by idea that it was okay to love someone. I’m not even trying to sound dramatic, I just don’t understand what God would want me to learn or if he would ever forgive me for my mistake and just let me be okay

[btbc92]

Sadly what you are talking about is a reoccurring pattern of exactly what satan does. That was a decoy. satan knows the desires of your heart too that's why he sent that guy into your life because he knew that your life was already into a mall. He knew exactly what you needed and you fell right for it. You have to understand that that wasn't your fault. Your eyes was not really open to really see because you suffered through a lot of abuse and you went to a lot of things that nobody in their right mind should have to go through. I grew up in similar circumstances. But in that situation you went through what you went through because not only did you not depend on God the way you needed to, you also didn't love yourself. You know how I know even though I never dated anybody in the still a virgin myself? Been there, done that, I refuse to go back. As much as I was taught of the things of God, and as much as I knew that God had my back, I did not have the structure I need it better to lie because sadly I did not have that at home. As I tell a lot of people my home life was far from Christian, was nowhere near even religious oh, and I had experience much Darkness just the same as yours. And when you're doing all that by yourself it's taxing. You would think other people will fully understand that but sometimes a lot of people would assume that you're just being a drama queen or you just seeking attention, etc. As if everything is your fault. And it's not your fault. You have to understand that it's not your fault. But he was a decoy. That has happened to a few of my friends that went through similar trials. But you have to believe that God does want you to be where you need to be at but not like this. That happened more because again he wants you to depend more on him than he wants you to depend on other people.

[btbc92]

Turmoil*

[btbc92]

That's why you have to guard your heart and guard your mind at all times. That scripture is completely true. Guard your heart and mind in all things. Naturally of course you was young, you won't necessarily always know. But if you had any inkling of an idea, you would rather hold on to that idea didn't just toss it away to the wind carelessly. Only natural that you would be wanting to have that with someone else even if you didn't trust the idea. But these days you can't always believe that with people. Because not everybody has the best intentions for you at heart. And it's very sad. Because that's not how this was supposed to be but that's exactly what goes on because this world is very polluted. Nobody asked to be born in this world and nobody asked to go through this. This is not how the life is supposed to be. But sadly that's how it is down here. And I just heard from him right now. And he says that you are forgiven. Just believe and trust in him more.

[LandoCalrisiano]

So i decided to post my opinion to your situation as well as it actually was what i was about to do when i got distracted by that theologically nonsense from that other person. But I absolutely didn't want and never intended to attack you for your own religious believes (which you apparentely have) and i really hope that you didn't feel like that at any point of my conversation with that person.
So first i'm very sorry if you felt like that!

Even tho' this was important for me to be said i now would like to continue speaking about what is bothering you.
First: I'm really sorry for you having been treated like that by this guy because you really seem to be a lovely person! And certainly you didn't deserve to be treated like that. Unluckily there is assholes out there (not matter of the gender) that will always most likely be interested in their own benefit regardless of other peoples feelings.
But also there is a lot of good people out there, you just have to have an open eye to find those who deserves being a part of your life and these people will be live-enhancing!
I get that it can be hard to focus on this again or to open yourself after having had a bad experience like this but even if it's about just the people in here that were sympathizing with you, it might give you a hint of people that are still good out there.
So please don't let that one guy be the reason for you not giving the love to the world and other people that you're able to give. I'm sure this would be a loss for human kind! And also you deserve to be loved the same way you're able to give love to other people even though you might not feel being able to do it right now.

In the end no matter of how bad the experience is, it will just be an experience and it is up to us to decide what to do with these experiences and how to evolve out of it. That's something that i really would like you to keep in mind and remind you of everytime you're having a tough time.
Because even if you might not be able to handle it like that right now you'll never now what having made this experience is leading you to. It might also happen that going through this in the end potentially gets an experience you don't even want to miss, (as hard to imagine it probably sounds at the moment) because it might teach you how fulfilling being able to trust and love somebody and yourself again actually can be.
Without getting to know the opposite feeling you might would have never been able to appreciate it to the amount you will be at some point.
If you keep this in mind i promise you that one day you will be agreeing with me on that and also it will change the way you're handling bad experiences from that day on for the rest of your life.
Because no matter if it's good or the life itself, our problems actually are just chances that were given to us to learn and evolve out of.
Because we are the sum of our experiences, including everything we went through, our emotions, how we handled them, what we were willing to learn.

So i really wish you all the best for getting to the point when you'll be able to see it this way!

You absolutely did nothing wrong!
You deserve to be loved, by yourself and the people around you!
You're still a beautiful human being!

Much love and energy to handle this emotional wound and feel free to contact me (even tho' i don't even know how exactly this works as i'm new to this platform) if you would like to keep on talking about it.

I really would like you to feel hugged!
Because also you're not alone :)

[blutwolfe]

Well one you fell for the guy without learning about him, that he was a player, and don't let one bad apple ruin the bunch. You're focusing too much on him to even get over him, which defeats the purpose of moving on

[Anonymous]

You get over it by accepting that you’re a human being with flaws, like all of us, who made a poor relationship choice. It’s not surprising really as he was your first real boyfriend. We’ve all been through that first heart break. When love is new to you, you want to hang onto it and you overlook things that are clues that he isn’t right for you. You gain wisdom from experience. You gain experience by being willing to put yourself out there. You have to put your heart on the line in any relationship. It’s just how life works. He may never give you the explanation you seek, so you’ll have to find your own closure. The fact that he didn’t love you was his own shortcoming, not yours. He missed out on someone with a big heart and a lot to give. His loss. There are guys out there who will see your value but you have to be willing to try new relationships to find them. Being hurt and learning from it is part of life. You pick yourself up and you carry on. You’re letting him hold you hostage if you don’t. As for the sex stuff, love and sex go hand in hand. When you give your heart to someone, you want to be sexual with them as well. It’s completely natural. Don’t feel bad about any of that. Next time just be more cautious. Take as long as you need to decide if he’s the right guy to give your heart and your body to. If he’s a good guy, he’ll respect you and wait for you. Be warned though, you’ll probably make more mistakes before you meet Mr. Right. Most people go through a few failed relationships before finding the right one. That’s why clearing this first hurdle and accepting that love equals risk is so important here. Good luck sweetie.

[JSmith925]

First, I am so sorry that someone treated you this way. Second, I would strongly advise you to get counseling. It will help you to process the experience and recover your self-esteem.

Best wishes,
~JSmith

[NO-ONES-EX]

Time is the only healer of pain.

[jeremy_09]

that's a difficult one, you sort of have to be ready for this in advance and watch out for the signs of it. maybe talk to a counselor for some professional help and advice?

[Wise4myage]

You know what? You have a lot to give to the right guy, you just picked an asshole to give it too. So chalk this up to experience and consider seeking out a therapist to help you get passed this if you can't do it on your own. I'm guessing his brother liked your photo because he probably think he can treat you the same way. Even if he is just being nice, stay the fuck away from him.

[GreenGold1992]

You gotta remind yourself that you deserve better than that.

[gandolph3]

Only time will heal that wound, and wound that heel

[Anonymous]

It sucks but it does happen, to be honest I've been hung up on my best friend for years

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately never happened to me, and to most guys, I guess.
For guys, sex is a seller's market.

[Anonymous]

Life is not perfect. Bad things happen. Important is that you learned your lesson and to not let it change you for the worse. It is never wrong to love, what you did, actually appreciate how much you can love, so your only mistake was you chose the wrong person. One day, you’ll meet a guy who will love you the same way you can love. While you wait, learn to love yourself. Cheer up, there are tons of guys who can appreciate you and that’s speaking from experience.