Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Is it reasonable to ask a guy to stop having sex once he's started?

So I asked a question regarding a concern I had with my boyfriend, which I've quoted below the page break. Most replies supported my concern but I did have a few who told me that since I agreed, I really didn't have a right to tell him to stop and that I should've just let him done what he wanted. On one hand, I kinda agree with them - as shitty as that might sound. I can't imagine it's too easy for a guy to stop once he's gotten into it but I obviously don't know what it's like to be a dude. Then again, I guess I could just be being naive.

I guess I'm more-so interested in hearing from a guy's perspective on this, but I'm definitely open to hearing from other girls too.
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"So last night my boyfriend wanted to have sex and I didn’t but gave in after some persistence but I ended up telling him to stop a little bit in because he was being too rough and it was hurting.

He kept ignoring me so I tried scooting out from under him, but then he grabbed me and kinda held me down, telling me to stop being a b*tch. I didn’t really know how to react and just sorta gave up after that. We didn’t talk at all after he finished.

This morning he apologized and said he just got caught up in the moment but I still feel a little weird about it. I just... I don’t know. I’m torn between the fact that I agreed to it and that he didn’t stop when I asked him to. He’s never done anything like this before so I don’t know if he was just trying something different or what."

TLDR; I didn't want to have sex but eventually gave in after he kept persisting. It hurt though and I couldn't push through it so I asked him to stop multiple times and even tried pushing him off, which lead to him pinning me down. I gave up after that and just let him finish. He apologized the morning after and said he "just got caught up in the moment".
1 1

Superb Opinion

  • I think there's kind of a line here. One one hand, it's a very rotten thing to do to stop a guy in the middle of sex without a good reason, as it is INCREDIBLY frustrating and often painful when that happens. On the other hand, in this case, you HAD a legitimate reason, and he absolutely did not respect you as he should have in this case.

    I don't know how things are for the two of you normally in bed - whether you like him to be dominant and even to "overcome resistance" on your part (many women really enjoy that, actually), or of that's not something you normally do, but if it IS something you normally do, then it wouldn't be a surprise that he misread your intentions. If not, then he should have known right away that something was different.

    My main advice to you is that you need to start communicating with him more, and more clearly/directly, and that you need to insist that he respects you. I don't agree with what he did, but I wasn't there and maybe he saw things differently - though his apology would suggest otherwise.

    I would discuss this with him, and let him know that it's unacceptable and had better not happen again. It's okay if you sometimes aren't in the mood for sex, and he needs to respect that, but you also need to be clear and direct with him if it's a hard no or if you want him to GET you into the mood. And if he's hurting you, and you tell him so, he needs to slow down and be more gentle, or even stop completely, if that's what you need him to do, and he needs to know that that's not optional, but required.

    It's up to YOU to set boundaries and expectations for YOU - no one else can do it - so handle your business and do it in a firm but not mean way, and hopefully you'll end up with a stronger relationship at the end.

    • I’ll admit that I definitely have an issue voicing my opinion, especially when it’s different from his. That’s just something I need to work on. As far as our “taste” goes, I guess I’d say it’s more vanilla than what seems to be the majority these days. He’s never really indicated that he wanted anything more but he was kinda moody to begin with that day, which is why I was thinking he was just trying something different. I guess he’s usually more dominant if being on top is considered dominant 😅

    • Then it definitely sounds like this was outside the norm. You definitely need to speak up and make sure your needs and wishes are respected. It doesn't sound to me like you were playing games here - you had a legit reason to tell him to stop - and in my opinion, that means he should stop. If I got the impression that you were just playing games with him by telling him to stop, that would be wrong (and some women do do that), but that's not what happened here. Just take care of yourself and do what you need to do in these situations to make sure you aren't being abused, and the rest is fine.

    • Thanks for the advice 💕

Most Helpful Guy

  • Sure, it can be frustrating to have to stop in the middle of sex, but if either party is uncomfortable with continuing, that ALWAYS comes first. It would also be a little different if you were being deliberately seductive, but then changed your mind--but in this case, you never even wanted to have sex from the very start. He pressured you into it, so he shouldn't have been surprised when you wanted to stop.

    But regardless, he 100% crossed the line when he physically held you down to prevent you from getting away, and then added insult to injury by calling you a bitch. There is no amount of sexual frustration that would justify that behavior.

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 21

  • No means no, even after you have started. He essentially raped you. Dump him instantly. And, yes, I would stop immediately if a woman asked me to. On the other hand, I would not be hurting her in the first place.
    ~JSmith

  • Your boyfriend is a rapist. Disgusting. Apologising afterwards, yeah right he deserves his dick chopped off.

  • You can withdraw consent at ANY time. No one has a right to sex with another person or to continue sex, no matter how close they are to climax. Someone who continues after being told to stop is a rapist. This should be emphasized in teen sex education.

  • that behavior isn't tolerated. even if a girl is playing and says stop, i will stop. stop is not a joke to me anymore. i hate when they play the stop game the first time we have sex. but this is different. you have had sex and he should no better

    • The only way I wouldn't stop is if we rape play and she says stop means the opposite.

    • @Twalli yeah, that's when safe words come into play

  • No, not really.

  • Since he has hurt you and you didn't had fun I think it's okay to tell him to stop. Sure it's not easy to stop when at it but you shouldn't hurt anyone when having sex and not be too rough. Sure hard sex exists and there are people that like it but in your scenario I think he should have stopped.
    If he loves you he has to respect your decisions and if he hurts you and you tell he should stop. I would do this even it's not easy

  • Yes.

  • This is called rape. One of the most common rape situations. You always have a right to say no. But no girl should be agreeing to something they don't want. This is the problem with women. They dont vocalize their wishes from the beginning. We dont teach girls this.

  • That is called rape... No means no it doesn't matter when it is said... And is a man I know it can be controlled get rid of him dumping he's a loser...

  • yeah that's definitely not ok. i would say see if this happened again. cause surely he wasn't aware but now he is, so now he knows exactly that this is wrong.

  • you are in the right on this issue, but it is difficult for a guy to stop once he's going, especially at the thrusting stage. but he has to stop when you say to. if he stops when you say, or tries to stop, he might still cum just because he can't help it. in your case it sounds like he didn't even try to stop, in fact, pushed on to keep going

  • It’s kinda fucked up to stop half way, but I understand your opinion.

  • It's very difficult to stop mid stroke. But big it's painful or he's doing something you are not comfortable with. You should make your feelings known and should stop immediately...

  • You withdrew consent during sex. Therefore everything after that was rape. If you only withdrew it after he finished then it isn't rape

  • So are you going to go running to the police and have him charged with Rape?

    • No, I know I don’t want to do that. I just wanted more takes on the situation

    • Why take your sexual and boyfriend problems public? Perhaps the law is on your side, but to expect a man to just stop is blue-balling the fuck out of him and really not cool. The "men" posting below are probably feminist who have never been laid.

  • nope

  • I don't think so, but whatever works for ya. Doesn't look like the two of you communicate very well... which directly equates to the quality of sex you'll have

  • NO!!!

  • You can say no at any time, but once he has started it may not register

  • I’m kind of with you on this. I always feel that once we start, it’s not fair to stop. I know how frustrating that has to be for a guy. I don’t know what it’s like to be a guy either but I do know they have high sex drives and it’s probably hard for them to stop. That being said, he was hurting you. At that point, he should have had concern and let the big head start thinking again. Instead, he calls you a name and pins you down. He put his pleasure above your well-being and didn’t respect you at all. So while I understand his frustration, what he did is classified as rape. You might not feel traumatized like you would if it had happened with a stranger but it was a sexual assault. How you handle it going forward is your decision. You could file a police report. You could break up with him. You could decide to forgive him and try to salvage the relationship. I’m not going to tell you what to do because I suspect you already are leaning towards a decision and affairs of the heart are always tricky to navigate. I would just caution you to be careful if you stay with him. While it’s possible this was a one time incident, guys like this usually repeat the pattern. It could very well happen again.

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