Whats going on with me and this dad I baby sit for?

I've been baby sitting for a couple family's in my street for a few years now. The familys are lovely and i love baby sitting too its so much fun. But recently I've started becoming more interested in something else rather than the children im caring for and im starting to realise how bad it really is.

Everything was normal with this one dad who i baby sit with till his wife walked out on him. He needed my help more often and we became extremely close. One day i was helping him get his daughters Birthday present out the attic with him whilst she was sleeping. I ended up tripping up on to ladder slightly and he caught me. We were only wearing are PJs so i was a little exposed and i think in that moment he got a little aroused as he tried to kiss me but pulled back quickly and pretended it never happened.

He is really hot and intelligent and i think his wife is a fool for walking out on him and there beautiful children. I started wearing less around his house and i caught him looking a few times.

One night he went to the pub whilst i baby sat. I had it all planned of how i was gonna seduce him. I waited till he came home and sat on the top of his stairs naked just him his shirt. He looked me up and down and told me to stop being silly and pushed me away. At first i felt really bad about what id done and ashamed of myself and went back sleep on the sofa.

The next morning i was woken up by him and we got talking about the night before and he said he shouldn. shouldn't have lead me on and that he really likes me too but knows its wrong. I gave him a hug and said sorry and he kissed me and put his hands in between my legs and starting to rub. We got a bit carried away and i started to take his top off but then hid children started coming down the stairs so we had to stop.

Then i went into the kitchen to make everyone breakfast and he closed the door and started kissing me again. After that i went home and had a really sick feeling in my stomach.
1 y
After that, he came to my house when i was sick off school and my mum and dad were both st work. I wasn't really till and instead he'd told me to fake it so he could spend the day with me. It all started of incorrectly. We were just snuggling in my bed watching movies. Then he started rubbing in between my legs again and he started getting really passionate with me yet aggressive. He was totally in control and i just stayed quiet the whole time he was doing things to me. I was just frozen.
1 y
We ended up what he called "making love" and it was horrible, he even choked me thinking id be in to it. I just wanted it to stop so bad because it was so embarrassing and not how i wanted it to be. But he pretty much over powered me so i couldn't even push him off to tell him no.
The sex was painful but felt really good after a while but if im totally honest im confused and I'm not sure if i was technically raped
Whats going on with me and this dad I baby sit for?
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