I've discovered I'm a sexual sadist. What should I do now?

[Anonymous]

I've always had dominant tendencies. My boyfriend knew what I was into and he liked it.
I've recently had to admit to myself I was a sexual sadist.
I enjoy going to BDSM parties with my boyfriend. I like to talk and all. At the last party, I've watched a man being whipped hard by a woman and I've been extremely turned on. I don't think I've ever get that wet within such a short time.
After this event, I've started to acknowledge the truth and what I wasn't seeing in me. Without noticing it, I've started to get rougher with my boyfriend. He says it's amazing how wild and turned on I am. Though, I kinda suspect he's not 100% into it. Sometimes, he really seems very much in pain and I feel bad afterwards. I get so much into it in the moment... Recently, I've been noticing my boyfriend starting to get scared by me. I'm talking to him and want to get closer and he'll pull away with some fear in the eye. He apologizes and let me touch him and kiss/hug him but I've noticed this change. I've started to watch more violent porn: women getting gangbanged, women involved in rape-play,... I don't imagine I'm the woman, I just like to watch her getting manhandled. Also, I watch horror movies with torture scenes. Once, my boyfriend surprised me watching Saw (the scene when the black guy get all of him twisted). He looked at me and asked: "are you into this?". I couldn't answer and he said: "Oh my...". Is it getting to far? I think I may lose my boyfriend and I don't want to lose him. We've been together for 2 years now and it's been perfect so far. What should I do?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

My fiancée is similar, and I had to adapt too.
The only advice I can give is to be receptive about his doubts and fears and reassure him you don't actually wish to harm him, it's just a game even if it stings, etc.
In my experience I needed a lot of reassuring and still do because I don't like sex in general, he might need more or less reassuring depending on his personality.

If something is too much for him, consider compromising while not giving up what's important for you.
Both of you deserve to be happy.

[Asker]

That's interesting. How is your fiancee exactly (what is she into) if I may ask?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I won't go in too much detail but she's very much into horror movies and sometimes she too likes roleplaying some gory scenes (all safely naturally), sometimes she prefers me to stay still and not move (that's quite easy for me), while sometimes she's more into inflicting pain, and on this we have had a clear talk and set boundaries. Other times is just taking certain kind of photos and roleplay a bit. She had dialed back a bit those things in the last months because of some unrelated issues I was going through, but now we are getting back to those.

[Asker]

That's very interesting. I rarely hear about women like me...

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I think there are more than you think, but probably they keep quiet about those things for fear of getting shamed. My fiancée got shamed by one of her exes because of her interests and so she was very cautious at first in telling me about them.

[Asker]

Are you into it or do you do it just to please her?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

At first I had some doubts, before we got together I've had few experiences with sex and they were almost all bad, plus I was kinda shaken by some movies and other materials she showed me so I was afraid something bad could happen. But once I saw how tactful she was and patiently explained things to me, I gave it a go I enjoyed them. I'm not a very sexual person, but I really enjoy playing those games.

[Asker]

Are you asexual?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Not really, but I don't have a very high sex drive and it takes little to completely turn me off. It's something we have worked on together and she helped me a lot with it, while also making me discover some things.

[Asker]

That's great 😊.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thanks. As for your situation I advise to have a clear talk with your boyfriend, and ask him clearly what he likes and what instead makes him have doubts. Reassure him that although in those moments you want to hurt him, it's in a fun way and that obviously you don't want to give him permanent damage and that you love and care about him. And obviously for his part he needs to trust you.

[Asker]

Has it worked for you? I mean : have you had this conversation with your girlfriend?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Yes, we have had this conversation and more than once. At first it was all very intimidating for me, I felt a little lost and feared that I wouldn't be able to satisfy her or that she'd really hurt or even murder me just for her enjoyement. A stupid fear I know, but at the time I got a little scared by her when she showed me what she was into. But we discussed things, she was very clear and tactful about them, that even if she liked certain things and especially violent and sexual scenes from horror movies and was eager to roleplay them, she didn't want to do them for real. Gradually she introduced me to what she liked and at the same time encouraged me to tell her about my tastes or if I liked something better.

[Asker]

I really wish I could talk to her lol.

[Nalix]

Be open with it. Not from the rooftops open, but clear with your boyfriend that it's what you like. Assure him that you'll never do anything to him that he doesn't agree to and that you value his interests and what turns him on too. Be sincere, no matter what, honest with him, and honest with yourself. Do what he enjoys, mix it with what you enjoy when possible.

[AustinMan]

I too am a sexual sadist. I don't need to take it as far as you like. I'd suggest finding a good therapist and working through what's going on.

[Asker]

What are you into then?

[AustinMan]

I'd rather talk about that offline if that's good. Just follow and DM me if you like.

[Asker]

Are you ashamed?

[AustinMan]

Not a bit. Just a bit private on certain things.

[Asker]

Why?

[AustinMan]

Because they're my revelations and I choose to do them in private.

[Berethor]

Congratulation only 4% of women are like yourself, you pervert but you already know that. :)

[Asker]

Your obsession with these data is kind of creepy to be honest.

[Barbaric]

"I really like the part in Saw where the black guy gets twisted up and watching women get raped" *guy posts stats easily found with a quick image search* "Eww you're creepy"

[Berethor]

I been called creepy by an extremely insane sadist girl, how I am going to live with myself. :)

tvtropes.org/.../ArsonMurderAndJaywalking

tvtropes.org/.../YourApprovalFillsMeWithShame

[Asker]

Good for you.

[bunnybeez]

yikes

[Asker]

OK lol

[gandolph3]

you may find one that is a better sexual fit. it would be more satisfying for both of you. i am not wishing you lose this guy, he may adapt