My girlfriend is asexual and we don’t know what to do?

Question

Been with her for over a year and I’ve tried many times to make sexual advances in the past and every time she either never picked up on them or ignored them. when we were cuddling on the couch one evening a few months ago, she said she needed to tell me something which is when I found out about her asexuality. I could tell it wasn’t easy for her to say but I’m being honest when I say that it hurt at first but it’s better now because I at least know that it’s not anything to do with me personally which is what I worried about

i also love this girl to death because her personality matches mine 100%, she’s super empathetic and compassionate and has never judged me for anything I’ve been hesitant to talk about. I really can’t see another girl like this walking my way in the future

it’s also not that she hates or fears intimacy because we kiss, cuddle, hug, etc regularly. It’s when sexual contact would enter the picture (or try to) that things began to go downward because you can easily tell she gets very indifferent, uncomfortable or sometimes even scared

i do know that she has a background of abuse, neglect, and sexual violence but she’s told me that she has never been sexually attracted to anybody even well before her sexual violence

we’ve tried talking about it many times (in very mature, calm ways) to find what can work. I’ve told her that I feel guilty making sexual advances because I know she doesn't want them and she’s said many times that she understands and her not being able to reciprocate the feelings back makes her guilty as well because she feels like she’s neglecting my needs

i know many say that sexuals and asexuals cannot work. But guys, this girl has something that I know for a fact I will not ever find in someone else. We’re both working hard to think of ways to balance out my sexual needs and her lack of them without making me feel like I’m taking advantage of her or her feeling like she’s neglecting me

So, does anybody have any advice here?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

My advice is: understand that you cannot change other people.

If your girlfriend is asexual, and you aren't, in my opinion, you are fundamentally incompatible, and nothing either of you do is going to change that. How you feel about her is irrelevant. If you go without sex for her sake, you're going to be miserable. If she has sex for your sake, she's going to be miserable. And neither of you are going to change, because you can't.

The smart thing is to break up and find partners you ARE compatible with. I know how much that sucks, but that's the harsh truth.

Berethor · Accepted Answer

She clearly neglect you, so I don't think that this relationship has a future, being an asexual girl don't means that she can't have sex to keep her boyfriend satisfied, and in fact most asexual girls who are in a relationship do that, but looks like she don't put out, so why you stay with her? as if her lack of enthusiasm is not bad enough. In case you didn't notice, she is the one who take advantage of you, she is getting all she want from that relationship, kissing, cuddle, etc, while you are left unsatisfied.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Asexual? What even is that. And why did you get a girlfriend that is. The whole point of having a girlfriend (not a friend) if to have the sexual relationship part of it.