21 female virgin but I don’t think I can have sex?

[Anonymous]

I’m still technically a virgin at age 21, mainly due to mental health issues and low self esteem. I have always struggled even with the idea of sex and for a while I even thought I was asexual. When I was 18/19 I was in a really bad place and went back to a guys place where he tried to put it in and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever felt in my body and I was bleeding for days after. However, recently due to being in a better place and also wanting to explore my sexuality and feeling up for sex more I went on a date with a guy I met online. It went really well and I was so proud of myself because my anxiety around people has gotten worse this year. I was pretty drunk and feeling confident so we went back to his (stupid call on my part) and started making out. He was also shaking while only kissing me and was breathing really heavily before this. What does this mean? However he literally did about 2 mins max of foreplay even though I told him I hadn’t had sex in a year (white lie) and didn’t seem to want to go anywhere down below. I asked him if he could finger me to try and get it in again but I don’t think he heard me or maybe I wasn’t vocal enough- I just assumed there would be at least some foreplay down below. Because of this I wasn’t wet enough and when he tried to put it in it was so painful for me and he had to pull out and said I was too tight. The next morning he tried again again but this basically happened again but this time there was blood. He immediately stopped and I was so shocked because I didn’t think this was meant to happen. He cleaned himself up and took off the sheets (bear in mind although there was blood there wasn’t that much) and was like I have to buy new sheets. I kept apologising and offered to buy them myself although I was confused why he couldn’t just wash them. He was nice about it and said it wasn’t my fault but I’m just confused because I don’t think this is meant to happen and I’m so scared to have sex because it’s painful.

[integrale77]

Just to clear things up if you have had penetration even briefly then your not a virgin any more please don't take that the wrong way. If you where apprehensive about saying your a virgin you don't have to hide that now.

Now use that information, next time your getting physical with someone tell them your not a virgin but have had a couple of short bad experiences so far.

It sounds like your tensing up before hand and lying about your experience is not helping you because at some level your thinking is he going to work it out and judge me for your experience level. If he knows then he can go slow and help you get the best out of your time together.

Ways you can prepair yourself for next time is to learn more about how your body reacts... yes I'm suggesting masturbation and usually best with lube and eventually a toy of some sort. And there is nothing wrong with masturbation.

Something others have talked about if you are apprehensive about something being wrong down there then it's worth seeing a specialist don't be afraid to tell them about your experience so far they have heard it all before. Even if it's just to be told there is nothing wrong it will be a weight off your shoulders.

[Gavilar1]

I had watched embarrassing bodies in the UK and a women had tightened skin down below which prevented her from doing the deed. Possibly see a doctor or a gynecologist to check if there is something wrong

[SueShe]

Because of your fear and inexperience, you are tense and you don't allow yourself to relax sufficiently to allow for a penetration. Also, you could suffer from vaginismus, a condition that involves a muscle spasm in the pelvic floor muscles and tightens your vaginal canal to such an extend that it makes penetration impossible and very painful.

However, the fact that this guy did not take the time to properly arouse you with foreplay is also a reason why you were bleeding. For intercourse to be pleasurable, two conditions need to be met. 1. relaxation and 2. a certain amount of wetness in the vagina to allow for pain free intercourse.

I would recommend you see with your obgyn if you have vaginismus and how this situation can be addressed.

Also, you are putting yourself under pressure to be like the others. There is no need for that kind of pressure. You are ready when you are and not because you want to be.

[verylostgirl]

Doctor here. This was an extremely good reply from SueShe, definitely see a gynecologist to talk about all this. But I couldn't say it better than this girl already did, very nicely done 👌

[SueShe]

@verylostgirl Danke fuer den Lob :-)

[Avicenna]

Definitely see a gynecologist

[nicholas25]

Ypu need to be sure that you Want to do it not just confusing him with a lie that would end up with more blood

[Silvius]

Next time tell the truth

[flashgrandad]

It sounds like you are so worried about not being sexually active that you are getting to tense and your partner's do not understand?
This is not being helped by not enough foreplay (or the right kind) before trying to enter you.
Have you considered an online sexual encounter to see if that might get you excited?

[Board_Tennis77]

Omg so good