Do you think it's okay for your partner to sleep around if you're asexual?

Question

I guess if my SO knows about it all and consents... True?

nightdrot · Accepted Answer

Here's a funny story. My girlfriend and I have been together for over a decade and have three children together. (We are not married by choice. We decided that we love the naturalness of what we share and that we did not need all the "sound and fury" that comes with an expensive dress, a big ceremony and all the rest.) She also works in family policy and has some scientific background in human sexuality.

One thing she is not is asexual. (If nothing else, see those aforementioned children.) We have a great sex life and always have.

However, in our early years she would periodically say things to me like, "If you want to have sex with other women I completely understand." She argued that men have instinctive sexual needs, placed their by evolutionary imperatives, and that to keep me happy and healthy it was best if I satisfied those needs.

To put it mildly, to be told that was something of a head spinner. Notwithstanding not being married, we are actually pretty traditional and even though we now look back at our early years - with a little sheepishness - as our "wild and crazy" phase, and to be told, in effect, have sex with any woman you want was a bit of a head turner.

Funny thing, you would think that I would have thought I had died and gone to heaven. Truth is, most of the time it sounded really neat, frankly, and there were a few times, I won't lie, when I was VERY tempted. However, it would sometimes make me feel somewhat insecure.

You would ask yourself, "What? Am I not good enough? Just she want me to get more 'practice' or something? I she seeing someone else and trying to make herself feel better about it?" Nope, she just argued that she understood human male sexuality and what it took to satisfy our needs at an instinctive - as opposed to emotional or intellectual - level.

The bottom line is that I never tested the proposition. Notwithstanding our "wild and crazy" phase in the early two years or so - threesomes and such - everything was together. I loved her - and love her - too much to ever have sex with another woman or women.

We have, as I say, a great sex life - so asexuality is not the issue. Our sex tends to be - not always but mostly - raw and primal and animal. Like any relationship we have our moments and our problems, but overall I am emotionally and sexually satisfied and she says that she is too.

So is it "okay" is problematic. The data suggests - measured in terms of divorce and what not - that it is a VERY bad idea. However, water seeks its' own level and people define the parameters of their relationships according to context, culture and a whole host of individual factors.

About the only thing I can add is that I was given carte blanche to do pretty much what my penis told me to do - and I never did. I love the woman I am with. The woman who holds me and makes me feel at once like a man and also makes me feel safe. Who gave me the three most beautiful little gifts that a woman can give to a man - gifts who run up to me when I get home shouting "DADDYYYYYY!!!" I just could not do it.

When you have all that, you set your priorities. Sex is, I won't lie, hugely important. However, there are some things that are just more important.

loveslongnails · Accepted Answer

Odd responses so far, indeed. So a sexual female chooses to get involved with a male OR female who isn't into sex at all, right? My first thought is - why do that UNLESS you ask this question in advance of getting involved? Knowing that you're a sexual person and won't be getting any from you S. O., what makes you think that situation can hold up? Did you think you can masturbate your way through it and live on whatever affection alone that you DO get?

Ain't gonna happen. It's not a compatible relationship from the start, but if you insist, you should know the answer to this question first. And be aware, EVEN IF they agree at the start, realize that jealousy may rear its head leaving you only with " well, you agreed". To which they'll respond " well, i didn't think it would bother me but it does".
Then what?

My best advice is don't start a relationship with a person so fundamentally incongruous with your own nature.

Gwenhwyfar · Accepted Answer

Yes, but my partner would have to be cool with it. That being said, I would never be in that situation because I would never date an asexual person. For me, romance that doesn’t eventually develop into some form of sexual relationship (even if it’s an LDR) isn’t really romance at all. (Hint hint...)

Note that this is only my opinion. You or anyone else is free or disagree.

Paris13 · Answer

Consenting only is like Open Relationship then.

ohshee · Answer

No that's not cool

summiter · Answer

As long as you both are cool with it and he wears a condom every time then I think it is fine. Are you having any sex with him?

SolifeNolife · Answer

I would love if my partner would do that. I always fear that my partner might leave me for being ace but if they agreed to something like this that would put my mind at ease so much.

Berethor · Answer

A man who let is woman to sleep around is very pathetic, and a woman who agree to that looks slutty, no matter the reason, also you are aware that asexuals can have sex, and in fact most asexuals who are in a relationship have sex, because otherwise their partner would likely leave them, so your question might as well be if it's okay to slut around if your partner neglect you, I would understand your reasons in that case but it's a shitty relationship, so it far from okay, plus as a woman you would shaming yourself for a shitty relationship, is it really worth it? I am not asexual, but I would rather be single than be in a relationship with a woman that slut around, so I can't see myself in such shitty relationship.

Rexos · Answer

If you both agreed to that, yes.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

If you're open and they've agreed to it then it's between you two. No one elses to judge

MathTeacher · Answer

If you agree to that.

Makeushiver · Answer

Absolutely, may I give you my phone number.

thecuriousone2020 · Answer

Just because there’s no sex means they can sleep around.

lancecantee · Answer

A better long-term plan is to be with another asexual person. Your partner will likely develop feelings for someone else and leave you, unless you have 100% confidence in each other.