Would you be ok with sex tapes of your wife/girlfriend and other men online?

[Anonymous]

About a year ago something came up between me and my fiancé. I knew she has always been single before we got together but of course has a sexual past. We never went into detail. Now recently I found out she had a case running about about sex tapes and pictures of her going around online and she never told me. Apparently she liked to film some sessions but her phone was stolen and months later, videos started to pop up here and there on different sites by different uploaders. The case didn't really end up helping much, but I do feel bad about the whole thing.

First off, I always said I didn't mind her not going into detail over her sexual past, though this does seem like a different case. Second of all, it feels bad knowing your girl was apparently way more casually fucking around in the past then you thought and with a lot of men you didn't expect. Third of all, you can not immagine how those immages get burned into your memory actually seeing it happen. Even now after a year I think about it very often and it makes my self esteem crash. Especially since I have seen a bunch of guys I see fairly often enjoying my future wife in rather disrespectful ways.

I know she can't help it and didn't really do anything wrong. But it still really effects me on a daily basis. I also know I could have not looked up the videos, but honestly, if you know it's there, even though you don't want to see it, you still end up looking. I try to get over it but I keep getting remeberd by it so often and get this feeling of being cuckolded every time i run into one of those men, who I see pretty often. Is it me? Or is it normal this is so annoying?

[Andres77]

Do you love her?

Is she still fucking around or is she just with you?

Perspective... some guys love sharing their wives, I'm not saying that you should do it but if some guys can be proud as fuck about how sexy and desirable their wives are then so can you. Own it! Be proud of her. If you want to be with her then this is a test. Don't be ashamed, love her, let her know how sexy she is and noone else's opinion means shit.

I went through something similar. If you want to stay with her then just own your own pride and desire for your girl.

If any other dude ever says anything then deal with him, he's wrong. It's not on her if another guy is being an ass.

It's a new kind of discomfort and maybe even pain for you, she HAS to deal with it. If you want to be with her then you HAVE to deal with it. Do so in a positive way because she'll remember how you deal with this test and show your love and desire and no shame at all... for the rest of your lives together.

Good luck to you both.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

I guess the important question is, does she still have contact with any of those men? That would be the real red flag. Of course it sucks knowing those videos are out there, but it's not like she made those vids thinking "gee, this will really cuckold my future husband!". It's a shitty situation you both have to navigate together. So if you're both communicating openly and honestly and she's convinced about having zero contact with former lovers/sex partners, then I'm not really sure what more you could ask for from her.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

And try to remember, we're living in the first time of human history where it's even *possible* to have this situation come up. It's gonna take time for us to figure out how to deal with these feelings of indirect betrayal upon encountering sex tapes from a lover's past. Of course their sexual history is just that : HISTORY. But if you're having to see those tapes for yourself, or just knowing they exist, well your brain likely processes it as if its happening in the present. Our subconscious didn't evolve with video recordings in mind. When you see that video with your own eyes, your subconscious really thinks and acts as if you're witnessing your fiancé actually cheating on you. Your brain thinks it's real. Same reason why we cry at death scenes in movies. We know rationally it's not "real", or at best it's an audio-visual facsimile of what was only real at a fixed point in the past. But the fear and shame circuits of your brain don't discern between past and present, real or imagined. They only experience what's in front of them, and what's in front of them is taken at face value as "reality". So you need to prime your conscious mind with reminders that what you've seen isn't "real", at least not in the way your emotional lizard brain considers to be "real".

[Asker]

Well yes she does have contact with a lot of them. So do I. It's just almost impossible to avoid since they are all in the same social circles, which are pretty small around here. It's not like she is acting inapropriate with them. She just acts as if they were friendss nothing happened with. I do however feel that the guys sometimes come across a little condescending toward me. Now especially after knowing what they did with my fiancé, it is nott a nice vibe.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Ahh... Well I don't know what to suggest really. But if it's bothering you now, then it's not gonna magically get better after you're married. Honestly, I think it's kinda fucked up that she's still friends with them, even knowing how they disrespect you. If I was in your shoes I'd put my foot down with the fiancé (no pun intended lol). Like "it's either them or me, make your choice". But that's just me, I can't advise on what to do really coz the whole situation is kinda fucked. She should know better than to keep acting all buddy buddy with former lovers when she's engaged to you. To me that's pretty messed up

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Sorry I can't be more helpful, I just think you might have to go with your gut on how to handle this one. At very least it should merit a straightforward conversation. No topic of conversation should be off limits with the person you're gonna marry. I think a lot of men keep their mouths shut out of fear or offending their woman, or not wanting to look "needy" or "possessive". But if this is someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with, then whatever's eating at your thoughts now will only intensify with time if it's not addressed. There's a great book called 'Crucial conversations' if you need some guidance on how to actually approach that conversation with her.

[Anonymous]

I believe that is a normal feeling to have. My boyfriend has a beautiful sex tape with this gorgeous girl and although neither of them did anything wrong I went to set her on fire whenever I see her around because it feels like she has a piece of me. And get this feeling that I can't describe towards him.
I also believe it is part of our own insecurities playing with our minds. We shall accept and keep trying to move on.

[Givemore]

Ow that's sad and he shouldn't be keeping stuff like that.. move on is exactly what should happen.. make your your own maybe and replace it.. I actually feel for you..

[boggboss]

I know i would find it hard just the thing that others friends family could come across it would be a major fuckiry for me

[Asker]

God I hope my family never finds out. Aparently a lot of my friends have known this, seen it, had a laugh with it, probably even jerked off to my fiancé getting it from the back or sucking a guy off. They thought it was best not to tell me. That really bugs me as well but I just don't know how to react since it's such a strange situation.

[Browneye57]

Beyond annoying. A dealbreaker in fact. No guy worth his salt wants to share his beloved. Past present or future.

[Rippersavage]

Ya, I'd be fine with it, it's in the past

[REDHOTLINE]

Dont worry be happy...
If you can't... dont marry.

[AFellowWeeb]

Disgusting and an actual deal breaker tbh

[james_d0007]

I don't know why is the past hurting you?
If she has not done anything during the time she was in relationship with you then I don't feel you need to think about this.
Just remove this completely out of your mind and leave a peaceful & happy life together.
Overthinking leads to stress and ultimately relationship failure.
So do whats best for both of you = which is to move on and never bring that back up in your mind or with her.

[Asker]

That would be best for me, and I thought that after a year I would be over it. Sadly it's like it keeps slapping me in my face. Honestly, it's hard to have sex with her now and not think about those other guys. And every time I run into one of them I immediately get immages in my head of how my wife pleasured them.