Sexual Relationships
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Should I just not date because I'm not very sexually experienced?

I've only ever had sex once and that was 3 years ago. It was a really bad experience and led to a lot of insecurities that I'm recently starting to get over.

I've tried to go on dates every once in awhile but things never make it past the first date because the topic of sex always comes up and I upset a lot of men when I say I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone I just met or when they ask how many guys I've slept with and I only say one. I try to avoid the conversation, but when they ask me, I want to be honest with them. And it just upsets a lot of men. I never judge a guy when he says he's slept with 40 women, but why do they judge me for only being with one man?

One guy even told me that I can't expect to find a real lasting relationship if I don't have much sexual experience. That's a huge part of a couple's compatibility and if I can't keep up to a guys needs, I should just stay single and stop wasting people's time.

I don't know what to do. I'm 25 and feel like I have basically screwed myself over for not being like other women.
0 1

Most Helpful Guys

  • in my opinion, it's ridiculous to give up on dating for this reason - BUT I do have sympathy for you that you have to deal with this and deal with guys your age who are in their sexual peak and who have no patience for this - it's an unfortunate bit of timing.

    You are absolutely doing the right thing by making your position clear up-front, but here's a couple of points that might improve your odds of success (though you should EXPECT to have some "fails" as guys decide to eject right away):

    1. While you should make it clear that you don't jump into bed right away, you should ALSO make it clear that you have limited experience, require patience, but that you DO look forward to having sex and becoming more experienced at it - you mostly just need a partner you can trust. When you add those details, a lot of guys will be much more understanding and will be able to relate better to your position.

    2. The more attractive/popular the guy is - meaning, the more other girls like him too - the less patience he's likely to have. In fact, guys on the hotter end of the scale are much less likely to even have a real relationship - with ANYONE. Hot guys are usually only willing to have casual sex relationships - often not even monogamous ones. It's so easy for them to replace one girl with another that any "rules" about sex almost instantly disqualify you with them. The less universally hot the guy is (meaning, the more average he is), the more likely he is to care about you as a person, to respect your rules about sex, to be patient with you, and to be interested in a real relationship. Obviously that's a generalization, which means there will be a few exceptions, but it's going to be true of the majority, and true MOST of the time. Keep that in mind when auditioning potential dates.

  • You need to meet a good guy that is totally into you and wants to get to know you before having sex. That will be difficult during the pandemic, but it will happen when you least expect it. You are young and have lots of time.

Most Helpful Girls

  • How will you have experience if you don't gain experience? Anyway, do not force anything, but try not to hold back on purpose either , it's about balance. If it makes you feel any better, my first sexual experience was horrible too, I hated sex and did so for a very long time. Until I left the incompatible sex partner and met other people, things immediately took a turn after we broke up. You owe it to yourself to not allow a bad experience to steal the rest of your life.

  • Do you really think that’s a good tactic? Or is this a bit of a pity party question. You yourself know what would be best, you can do it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • So you're thinking of not bothering to date because you lack sexual experience? But how can you get social experience if you don't date? Maybe you shouldn't be taking relationship advice from Joseph Heller.

    Seriously, though: the quick leaping from bed to bed that seems a common part of modern dating doesn't appeal to me either. I think you've just been talking to the wrong guys. Most guys will probably want to start having sex before you do (that's just how biology works), but "I'm not ready for that yet" should hardly warrant walking away.

  • Nonsense, there's no right or wrong time. I kinda regret how early I started, it made me objectify women and not have meaningful relationships for a long time. When you're ready you're ready, it isn't like your vagina is atrophied or anything. Besides, a little secret, people are different, even if you had sex earlier and learned to please one guy very well, that knowledge may have little use on how the next guy you get with likes to be fondled, sucked, rode, or pushed back on while riding you.

    Honestly the guys you're talking about sound more like they just don't want the trouble, or lack the communication skills to teach you how to please them. It does take some patience and waiting for the reward. My wife was a virgin when we got together. I just didn't believe her. From that experience I think I'd do that again, there might not be any experience a virgin has, but there are also no preconceived notions.

    Relax, take it slow, and it things don't work out for another year, call me lol

  • I cannot imagine starting a sexual discussion on a first date. During the date attraction may lead to kissing and hugging, and maybe to other touches. If both are enjoying that and feel comfortable it may go farther. But with your background, you should just limit what you do on your first date. If he questions why it is not going further, just say that you are not comfortable going so far on the first date. When you are ready, let it go farther. No need to bring up your lack of experience. And he will be too interested in you to question your experience. Pretty soon you will find you have more experience. Make preparations (carry condoms for protection against STDs as well as pregnancy, and get started on birth control pills). Don't try to pull yourself out of the game.

  • Any guy who makes you feel bad for your inexperience is a dick we where all inexperienced at some point and it's no reason for giving you a bad time.

    Don't be put off dating you just have to find someone willing to go at your pace who is understanding and help you put your bad experience in the past.

    On the flip side of what your saying if your wanting to increase your experience sexually so when you go out on a date your more comfortable. Things like tinder where you can state you just want to hook up but have had a bad experience so need to go slow or you could get an escort who can just focus on your needs without them pressuring you for there own needs.

  • If you wouldn't date then what would you like to do instead?

    Also, when someone asks you about your experience, you do not have to answer in black and white like the way you're doing right now, even if pressured and asked multiple times. It's more about how you carry yourself in the situation than the actual answer. Please don't be evasive.

    When someone asks you next time, how about trying something different? Like you could get flirty and say "well, whatever it is, I'm looking to increase it by 1 😉" or get sarcastic if you don't like the person like "gee, I thought it'd be one after the date, but seems I made some calculation error, gotta check my math" or be mysterious "guess you'll find out after our third date" give a non-answer but with a touch of your personality 😊

    And no, don't stop dating!


  • Don't throw in the towel just yet.

  • You're confused as you have a bad taste in men but don't understand the first thing about your preferences either.

    If all your "dates" have been men looking for hookups, and you're not, then you must be really dumb to think that same pile must have something different in it.

    Date men who are not like your rejected dates. Don't expect wasps to become butterflies for you.

    • I always meet these guys on dating apps. And before meeting in person, I tell them that I'm looking for a serious long lasting relationship and they always reply back that they're looking for the same thing. It's not until we meet in person, that they start talking about sex.

  • If you don't date, you won't get sexual experience.

    • It's kind of too late for me. i should've not wasted my teen years and early 20s.

  • A good man will love you even if you are a total klutz in bed and maybe even be turned on by it. Let him coach you and do not take it as criticism.

  • no you shouldn't lock yourself away.
    you only get better with practice. :)

  • Duh... and how do you expect to become more experienced: rape?
    Of course you have to date!

  • no. just try learning more about the subject. you can look up. a fair bit without it being porn but this is one time some types of pion can be used as an educational tool.

  • Well, I have never had a sex & I am 25. If this helps you feel better. You can date as long as you're having fun & being happy.

  • First of all you have not screwed yourself over jus take your time and heal from whatever you are going through things will change keep on dating and be honest the right guy will come to u he will appreciate the fact that your are a lady and not a whore and you will probably find a good husband before those sluts out there becz your pussy will be tight and fresh stay humble ❤️

  • No. Dating is for meeting people and getting to know them. Sexual experience can wait until after marriage, depending on your cultural angle. You should know what your values and expectations are and expect your man to share them. If he doesn't, then that's the point of filtering people out, isn't it?

  • Well it depends on what you are looking for and what the man is looking for. Not gonna lie most men like to have sex with the girl they are dating. If you feel inexperienced or don't know what to do. Ask them if they are comfortable with them teaching you some things. If your too insecure to do that, try exploring your own body first so you know what you like. Watch porn to get some tips. But make sure the man respects you always!

  • Not sure what to tell you there. I'd say you just need to find someone who is looking for the same things. Don't be distracted by people who don't match.

  • How are you dating?
    Because these guys sound like assholes.

    From my understanding sites like tinder are basically only ever used for hookups, so yeah you are kind of wasting their time. I'm pretty sure bars and clubs are the same way.

    Coming from someone who never had friends growing up and is only just now trying to meet people my age, it's a pain in the ass.

    But I don't think you've screwed yourself just yet. You just need to find a way to weed out the fuckboys who are just looking to get laid.

    • I think you're right. I've met all of those guys through dating apps. Bars and clubs aren't really my thing. It's just really hard to meet new people in other ways.

    • Tell me about it. You any good at making friends? Maybe a friend first approach is more your speed. If not maybe you can try a different dating site. From what I hear Match. com and a few others have more people looking for LTRs instead of just hookups. The downside is I think they have a monthly fee to use those.

  • I think that would be a foolish thing to do.

  • You don’t need experience in bed to date a decent man.

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