I’m in love with my friends with benefits and he has left and I can’t stop crying?

I know this sounds so emotional but i suffer with BPD which makes things a lot worse. We were fully dating in August to October and then he turned around and said that me and him are just a bit of fun but maybe in the long run he can see something. He said that he likes me and wanted to be with me but he just lied to sleep with me. I thought i was stable enough to deal with friends with benefits and make it work but i couldn’t.

My feelings have been getting much stronger towards him after it’s been 7 months down the line. i saw him 3 days ago and we had sex, i was abit drunk as i just started University and he just left me because i wasn’t co operating as much as usually since i was a bit tipsy. i said to him when he left i feel so much towards you so i can’t see you anymore. and he said Okay and just left and now has deleted me and i keep having panic attacks in my sleep thinking of him, i’m so alone.

I still have him on instagram and i messaged him a paragraph saying i’m sorry for saying that i didn’t mean it i just wanted you to fight from me and show me reassurance that you like me since you left and he’s just ignored me. I got so drunk and called him like 10 times.
I don’t know what to do shall i give him space or say sorry again? i understahd why he deleted me since i said i can't see him but i didn’t mean it. I need help and i’m so lonely i’m distancing myself from everuone. I’m only 18 and so is he. I didn’t tjink id get attatched. I wanna message him asking if he wants me to leave him alone forever but i won’t be able to bare if he actually does leave me.

I’ve suffered with Abandonment issues since a young child due to my dad and it’s not nice. I know i sound crazy but i just like hard and i only call a lot when i’m drunk...
I’m in love with my friends with benefits and he has left and I can’t stop crying?
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