Can we even still be friends?

[Anonymous]

My friend and I are both married. For the last 3 years, I’ve had feelings for him but I basically kept it to myself because I thought it was one sided and it would pass. A little over a year ago, I finally admitted to him how I feel and let him decide if we shouldn’t talk. Again, thinking this was one sided, it would be a no brainer. I was wrong. We still talked but I was still confused. We still exchanged selfies every once in awhile and it was never sexual.

A few months later, I was frustrated, so I finally asked him how he felt about me, as a person. He told me that I’m a close friend that he cares about and if we weren’t married, we would probably be together. We talked some more and agreed that nothing could happen. Then quarantine hit.

The picture requests got a little spicier and then the conversations. We talked a lot, shared a lot and found that we have way more in common in how we see life and other various things... especially sexually. Everything he’s into, I enjoy and his wife hates and vice versa.

After agreeing nothing would happen, and more quarantine discussions, we have uh, sent one another links to videos we thought one another would like during choice times in the day. Now I feel like the emotional affair (which was rough admitting already) has turned into a sexual affair, even though we’ve only hugged?

I tend to see him more since we work in the same building. We do spend time together for lunch and when I see him at work, we ONLY talk about work. No flirting, no off topic conversation, it’s only when we text and only ONCE in AWHILE. I find that when I do see him, my mind is wandering to things he’s said or visually thinking about them.

I tried to get our families and our sons together to see if we could be friends, this was before he told me how he felt. I don’t feel like we’re on the same page anymore and that my feelings are much stronger. I try to brush them aside every day. I just want to be friends but is it even possible any more?

[Anonymous]

You’re lying to yourself and you’re probably going to keep lying to yourself to justify what you’re doing. In the end, you’re going to hurt people. It’s only a matter of time before you start to want more and more until you eventually do something physical. You’re both already cheating. For you, he’s everything that your husband isn’t. This will become your life. For him, he’s just using you as a distraction. He will always choose his wife over you regardless of what he tells you. This will harm your self esteem, your self worth, you’ll lose your life chasing after some illusion. Women have more to lose in affairs. I can keep going, but you’re already on your way to perdition. It’s begun, and it’s too late to turn back now. You’re not coming back out easily.

[Asker]

As for him always choosing his wife, well, ya. I would never want him to change his life situation because I wouldn’t want to change mine. But I already am wanting more and I’ve been vocal about that but still agreeing we can’t act. It’s real easy to wrap my arm in his and I’ve thought about it every day but never acted on it. I’m not trying to justify anything. I know it’s wrong and terrible but my heart isn’t ready to stop yet and I don't know why

[Opinion Owner]

Because you have a problem in your marriage. Your husband isn’t fulfilling something of yours so you’re looking at another man instead. I went/am going through this recently so I know the feeling. I had to just talk and lay it all out for my husband. I thought the root was sexual but it isn’t. The root was my own insecurity. He had some part to play as well and going to another man was a way of my “acting out.” So we talked and talked and are seeking counseling. I am not judging you because I’ve been there. Just telling yourself it’s wrong and to stop isn’t going to be enough. You need to keep figuring out why. Don’t throw away your life for this dream like I was about to.

[Opinion Owner]

Just saw you mention about the sex thing in another comment. But if that’s the case for you, then you need to open up to your husband about it. Get some counseling so you can both be fulfilled.

[allison368]

Do you care about your marriage? Do you love your partner?

[Asker]

I love my husband, I don’t want to hurt anyone, I’m just not sure I’m entirely happy with myself anymore

[MikeTheBartender]

Bigger question you should ask, why are you still married? Your husband clearly doesn't fulfill your needs and vice versa.

And just out of curiosity... What's the sexual kinks his wife isn't into? 😈

[Asker]

I don’t even know... I never really knew what I was missing until I found someone with some of the same kinks as me... where I thought I was weird. And it’s some light bdsm stuff 😐

[MikeTheBartender]

That's not that rare. Well it's this early in your life/marriage and you are desiring someone else the cards are not in your favor for longevity. Maybe it's time to have the talk.

[beatcoock]

Once you get sexual, It is hard impossible to be normal friends.

[Asker]

When I’m with him in person, nothing sexual is even mentioned 🤷🏻‍♀️

[beatcoock]

at least, You guys have an intention. You got what I mean?