Should I tell my boyfriend I used to be a stripper?

Question

My junior year of college I was super low on funds and was considering stripping. My boyfriend at the time said he was fine with it and I knew a girl who did it so I decided to try it. I only did it for four months and at the end it ruined my relationship (which was already emotionally abusive) and the girl I started with tried to blackmail me. I have a lot of trauma from around that time. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for almost 2.5 years and I haven’t told him. He always talks about how strippers are trash and disgusting. We’ve talked about strip clubs before, so I’ve definitely had the chance. But I’m also bi and were planning a three-way. So he knows I’m semi-promiscuous. I’m also a student teacher. Obviously I’m a different person now than I was when it happened. I hated that time in my life and don’t want to talk or think about it. It was only four months and I never did any hard drugs or slept with anyone I met from the club. Is it worth telling him? I know his idea of me will change and he hates when I tell him about anything relating to my past with men. However, I did dance in my hometown and some people I still know, do know I was. I’m extremely scared of him finding out. I also think there’s a good chance he’ll break up with me. Or just ghost me forever. Do I tell him? If I should, what on Earth do I say?

Andres77 · Accepted Answer

For me, I like knowing my partner's past. I'm a recovering sex addict and my wife knows everything about my past. She is a self-admitted slut. We share all our stories and there's no shame between us. Because we were both so promiscuous neither one of us takes the high road of self righteousness and judges the rest of the world for having "low and base behavior".

When I went to divorce support group before my current marriage one of the counselors told us something very important. "Sometimes the worst thing you can be is 'right', because if you're 'right' then everything your spouse is doing or has done is 'wrong' and one becomes judgmental about everything about you.

Another key item: the one who cares less about the relationship is the one with the most power. This is not to be used to manipulate the other but to protect yourself.

One more thing: don't have any shame about your past in front of any other human that is just as imperfect as you and I. If you have no shame then no one can exercise power over you. You might wish you hadn't done something in your past but if that's true and you did stop, case closed. No shane, move on. You owe NO ONE anything explanation nor justification.

Ok, so you love your current boyfriend. Granted, it's none of his business what you did in your past. He had no authority over you then nor does he now. You're afraid of telling him about your past but because you love him you want to be open and honest. Right? Well, while it's none of his business him being "judgmental" towards strippers means he thinks he's better than other people, regardless of why someone might have done something.
If he's going to judge you for your past then he'll probably judge you and hold grudges and compare his superiority in judgement over yours throughout your time together.

It's your call but, an option is:
-Just own it. You did it, you can't change it. Don't worry about it. Maybe you regret having done it. Doesn't matter. You're not doing it now and it's nobody's business.
-If you have no shame about it then noone can threaten you with leaking the secret. If it ever comes up just reply with "yeah, I did it. What?"

If you think your boyfriend will judge you then do you really think that's the kind of man you want to be with?

In the end focus on being the better you.
I know that can put you in contact with really sleezy people, I'm glad you were able to resist the darker side of strip clubs. Some things can get a hook inside of you that can't be easily shaken off.

Please let us know how you handle this?
Someone else might be dealing with the same thing and your choice in how you resolved this might help someone else.
I wish you the best.

Circuitous · Accepted Answer

I see your predicament but you have your answer right here: "I mean, I don’t think I’m someone I’m not. I’m still the same person, I’ve grown a lot since then and I don’t associate with that part of my past anymore. But I know it is something I did and he deserves to know." With that being said, some people regard their past as it is no longer a part of them, or at least a part worth noting or being transparent about it to the people in their surroundings, including loved ones. This, of course, comes down to personality and personal preference, although some people write it off as such because they are scared of the level of confrontation a confession as such brings about and go out of their way of putting all cards on the table. In addition, not being able to tell things as such straight away doesn't make you a bad person, things that are harder to do require more effort and it sometimes takes some courage to get them out of the way out in the open. Essentially who you are now is what matters the most, every split-second there is a new version of you until you decay intro mortality, but that doesn't make the journey up until that point irrelevant, and people who can't respect that are conflicted with their own being and do not truly appreciate who you are. I'm sure you'll make the right decision at the right time, you've got my support.

Anastacia1989 · Accepted Answer

A huge part of a relationship is HONESTY so it’s good to tell him and if he really does care about you then it shouldn’t impact your relationship at all in any way

IveGotNoName · Accepted Answer

If you want a relationship to last, there's no space for secrets.

MrOracle · Answer

Given the high chance of him finding out at some point, you need to tell him. And you need to start off by telling him all the things you said here:

- you were a different person in a very different place then.
- you didn't especially enjoy it and you don't look back on that time of your life fondly
- you have no desire to return to that lifestyle and are happy to have left it behind
- you never slept with customers or did drugs.
- you've been terrified to tell him, since you know how he feels, but you want to be honest with him.

There's still a chance that he'll break up with you, and that's his right - but I think if you tell him WITH all of this other information, he'll be able to deal with it. Either way, you won't have to fear this secret any more.

Hogwheels · Answer

Yes, for his sake and for yours. If he can't accept that aspect of your past, it would not be good for either of you to be in that relationship.

TheorionMage · Answer

IF he can't appreciate YOUR skills and musicality... then YOUR talents are being wasted.

I used to manage a 'gentlemen's club' as Ops Mgr. in one of MY functions was to assure they REMAINED gentlemen... (Think 'Road House')

Spoke with this one EXCEPTIONAL dancer down in Cocoa Beach, FL ( a 26 yr old mother of two, who's figure teen girls would KILL for) and I noted she's make an EXCELLENT middle school girls gym teacher using exotic 'belly dance' to offset that awkward age where preteens go through the changes, to burn off and firm up the 'baby fat' and she could ASSURE their eventual boyfriends would be THOROUGHLY smitten~

summiter · Answer

Just tell him you want to be honest with each other and not have secrets. Tell him that what you have to say might go against his values but that your past is the past. How is your sex life with him?

AndyOh · Answer

Wow, a couple things here.
You have been together for a while, which is good. If there is love, it should not matter if you tell him. If he does get upset and leaves, then maybe you should just move on and the next guy, tell him on the 3rd date.
If he is that hard up against strippers, then he might have a problem with it and maybe it is best if you keep it to yourself.
And why don't you defend strippers when he is spouting off about strippers? I would... hey those girls need the money and they are not trash. Some girls make like $300 a night! Wish I could do that.

JPrez · Answer

I would need to see it first to know. Just kidding. Honesty is always the best policy.

boggboss · Answer

Fuck me if its somthingbhe could find out elsewhere ofc u should tell him as to how you kinda fucked up that chance as u have been with him long enough to make it look like u was hiding it from him so just tell him I guess

slatyb · Answer

If he’s that judgmental then he’s not going to be a good partner for you. You will constantly be worried about him finding out. Tell him and if he can’t handle it then you haven’t lost much. Besides, it’s just a job.

You don’t have to tell everything to your partner but if you are afraid to tell them something that’s not good. You can’t feel loved when you are hiding things.

Miristheiss · Answer

I also think stripping is trash and I'd never be in a relationship with any woman who was willing to take off her clothes in a room full of strange men and show them everything and dance around for their sexual enjoyment and who gave lap dances and was grinding on strangers.

It is a 100% deal breaker. I wouldn't care if she did it for 2 hours 5 years ago. Anyone who EVER does that I'd never be with and would immediately break up. We are NOT a match.

I'd be furious if some girl kept this from me and tricked me into staying in the relationship under false pretenses.

It is going to come out eventually. Don't be naive that you can take this to your grave.
He'll find out. If he is going to leave isn't it best to get it out now? Don't lie to him by omission. Why let it come out 2 years from now when you are married or have a child together? If he is ok with it then you've got that out of the way and you do not have to stress about it either.

You selfish and how much low character do you have to have to hide this from him? Especially if you think it may be an issue why on Earth would you lie and try and keep somebody in your life through deception vs. tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Be with someone who is ok with stripping.

If you have a guy against it then maybe you two aren't meant to be. He at least deserves the right to make his choice with all the information vs a lie.

LiamSawyer · Answer

It would completely depend on how open he is, dm me if you want to talk about it.

ChrisMike1919 · Answer

You better tell him before someone else tells him

TeeBar · Answer

No... Ignorance is bliss. Should he finds out and confronts you, just say, "But you never asked!".

Shubhamgupta · Answer

I think he will appreciate if you tell him rather than other people tell him about you, your relationship is purely on trust if you didn't tell him you break his trust, try other way around tell your whole story to him so that he can able to understand the situation of that time and value of money for you that time, and after that wait for him to respond if he start judge you for the previous decision than there is no point to run the relationship more further

broken_heart_at_48 · Answer

You absolutely need to tell him if he bails good riddance cause he shouldn't hold your past against you I mean all you did was strip he needs to grow up or get gone

magiusX26 · Answer

this is the kind of secret trying to keep does more damage the longer you wait. yes its a risk telling him but if you dont, it turns into a lie by omission which will rot the relationship. as you have already seen, the guilt over not telling him is already physically affecting you. holding it in will only make that worse.