In America, using the metric system could get you into legal trouble. In fact, if you refuse to use the Imperial System and continue to use the Metric system, you could go to jail for being in contempt of quart!
At Christmastime, the chef would only serve his sauced asparagus on shiny, polished hubcaps because there is no place like chrome for the hollandaise.
Rudolph Dimitri Antonov and his wife, Katia, were having an argument about the precipitation then falling outside their home in Siberia.
"It's snow," she shouted, waving her hands wildly at the precipitation then falling.
"It is not snow: it is certainly rain, Katia".
"It is not rain, my husband: it is obviously snow- after all, we live in Sberia!"
"This is the last time I will tell you this, my Katia. THAT is rain falling, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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Let's see what I got
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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
😂😂😂 hahahahaha 🤣
That's pretty good
I know RIGHT? LOL
I’m a pundle of laughs.
Hahahahaha 🤣
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Lololol
I just had a near-sex experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
Hahaha
Har dee har har. That's kind of how I feel about most puns. I knew an older guy who turned everything into a pun. It was his thing. Most of the time, I just rolled my eyes.
Lolol
🤣🤣🤣
Me too!!!
@michael1469 lololol
It it time to unleash the pun-ishment!
🤣🤣 omg I'm slow too me a sec to get that 🤪🤣
Glad you got it! There's only so many ways to keep myself entertained at the bakery I work... so all my puns have become stale.
Hahahaha see got that one quicker 🤪🙂
I donut know any
🤣🤣🤣
🤪🤪🤪
I've used a number of them in the past. Let me think about them and come up with the best one!
👍👍
You can ride on wild train alnight.
It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was
overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay
pal?"
While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the oyster
bar -- a real dive
But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!!!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring
😂😂😂 that meant hahaha
Think I had a wet dream Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Wet dream... Gil was also down on his luck Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water I gullied up to the sandbar He poured the usual Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side -- heavy on the mako I slipped him a fin -- on porpoise I was feeling good I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids -- for the halibut
Well, the place was crowded We were packed in like sardines They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal -- what sole Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon Chanted Evening" And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers Probably there to see the bass player One of them was this cute little yellowtail And she's giving ME the eye So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun You know -- a piece of Pisces But she said things I just couldn't fathom She was too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure Boy, could she drink She drank like a... she drank A LOT... I said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Aquarium"
I was at the bar and asked the server for an innuendo and she gave me one.
A famous pun-dit entered a competition for the best puns, hoping to win he entered multiple times, unfortunately no pun intended.
A man walks into a bar... ouch!
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Fishing is a bunch of carp.
🤣🤣🤣
why do cars rest when you park them?
because their tired.
what did the pediatrist say to his patients?
your soles are mine.
moomcheese is out of this world
👍👍🤣
My appreciation for dwarves grows every day...
What is that too deep for you? 🤪
Sorry... I'm drunk...
🤣🤣 Lolol Have a drink for me 🥃 lol
I have a lighter with a soy-sauce bottle and a piece of sushi on it, with the words "im soy into you"
Or the burrito, "I hope you plan stuffing me full with that dirty stuff"
😂😂😂
God creating balls "Let it look like a pair or hairy potatoes... and now put a loose skin on them, yes with a lot of hair"
No I'm all out of puns for today.
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That was some funny shit 😂😂
lol
ROFL 😂 😂😂
Insert innuendo here. 😉
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Just an old one and not really a pun, but I love it:
"Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas... how he got in my pajamas I'll never know" - Groucho Marx
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Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.” 😁
Another one...
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak 😜
And finally...
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi 😂
Bonus...
Why miss brains is a beauty? Because she's a freshly baked muffin 😋🧁
🤣🤣🤣 good ones 👍
That's how someone becomes addicted to miss brains muffin's games, the spongy miss brains must be bitten all over 😬😬
Lol I was bored 🤷🏼♀️😂
I have a joke about trailers, but I don't know if I should pull it..🙄
Har har har lol
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