Sexual Relationships
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Guys, Why would a man choose masturbating over sex?

So I have a dilemma. My husband says he is no longer interested in having sex, that it is just not a priority for him. I am a very touch oriented person so this is harming our relationship intimacy. I have tried for months to find ways to compromise with him on it so that we are still connecting to each other. Two days ago I found out he is masturbating all the time. It is kind of insulting to me. Not that he masturbates, that's fine, but that he is obviously into the release but making no effort to be a part of that for me or have sex with me. He tells me this is normal and that guys just do it to do it. I need perspective on this.

Addendum: I know the usual go-tos are cheating or that someone has let themselves go, etc. I am a very active woman who has maintained herself and even bettered herself since we have been together. Others describe me as very physically attractive and I am a very supportive and loving wife. When we are home I make an effort to dress in a way that is comfortable but sexy (short shorts, tight tanks or crop tops). Should I just be done with this or am I missing something? It is making me feel horrible.
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Superb Opinion

  • Dress that way and maybe even a bit more provocatively when you go out. Sometimes people respond when they see other people. desiring you. There is no way the unbounded lust of infatuation can last over the years but sex is a use it or lose it deal. The more you have the more you want. Sometimes people. who have been together for awhile lose desire, More often than not it is for the reasons you named and discarded but more frequently it is because you may deeply dread the thought of the person you are with leaving but the reason I've read in Psych journals and in speaking with sexologists is this, When we meet someone new, esp someone we are head over heels with; it starts with a fascination about everything that is thjem, every thought, taste in art, music, politics etc. in all of these we both consciously and sub-consciously, try to make them the same as we are. With the best intentions it's like I like this so s/he will like it too, Pretty soon we have removed all the mystery, newness that was at the heart of infatuation and replaced it with a photocopy of ourselves. When that happens the thrill (as BB King said, is gone). One way I've seen it revived is the rare chance that you have to dress up or get your hair done in a brand new way. All of a sudden he again looks at you with fresh eyes and often gets re-energized. If you ever have the chance to listen to q 30 minute podcast, "Ask Emily" is one of the most informative, fun, funny sexologists out there. She takes questions via phone, email text etc, but just listening to a few of her podcasts is enough to cover just about every problem with sex arises in a long term relationship.
    Affairs can re-kindle your desire for him and his for you as the mere fact of adding sex to one partner's life often rekindles it for both, maybe it pheromones or whatever, it's beyond my understanding. Of course you can screw the kitty- sorry, not that one- by affairs as well, If he finds out, despite all the good reasons you may have had for doing it then it may end the relationship. If there are no kids and you think the relationship needs a stress test than it could be healthy, You certainly shouldn't be condemned to a life of celibacy.
    There are a few medical possibilities. Testosterone ois responsible for most of the sex drive in both men and women. Men have a lot more but the body's endogewnous production of it starts to slow as early as mid 30's for some. There are a number of topical gels - the one I know of is called Androgel- it is a topical testosterone cream that he can apply to any reasonably hair free area and it's absorbed by the skin and crosses the blood brain barrier. Not all insurances cover it and it's not cheap if it isn't covered but he should be able to get discounts, coupons or samples. In order to get an Rx he would need to go to an endocrinologist. S/he might order some blood tests but he should be able to walk out with a script for it after 1 visit. Don't waste your money on OTC or supplements that claim to raise testosterone, The only effective way to do that is with testosterone. Hope some of that helps. 1 more suggestion, Don't know where you live but there is probably at least one decent sexologist not too far away. Women are usually better and I'm sure he would live doing it but seeing a good sexologist- or perhaps just him seeing one might help and if s/he thinks both of you should be present than he will tell your husband. A sexologist, unless s/he's a licenses psychiatrist as well won't be able to write any prescriptions but it may do the most important thing, that would be to start a conversation, Nothing can go forward until that happens & I'm guessing that won't be easy. You will probably need to start it, do it as gently and as compassionately as possible. Perhaps pose it as a concern you have for him. A few warnings, a number of medications can destroy sex drives any SSRI (Paxil, Zoloft, etc), alcohol abuse, opioids, overweight

Most Helpful Guy

  • If the problem was you, he'd almost certainly have told you that it was. The actual cause seems to be that he's just selfish and lazy - he can masturbate to get himself off in 5 or 10 minutes with minimal effort and without worrying about having to please a partner, or foreplay, or whatever. And because he's being selfish in that way, he isn't caring about you, or what you think or how you feel or what you need - which is really messed up.

    in my opinion, you need relationship counselling (and you'd need to get him to buy in that there's a problem/multiple problems that need fixing) - or you're going to have to figure out something else, whether that's divorce, or getting his consent to get your needs satisfied elsewhere. in my opinion, if you are asking someone to be monogamous with you, you are agreeing to take on the responsibility of satisfying their sexual needs - and if he's not willing to do his job, he can't expect you to uphold the other end of that deal.

    I learned long ago that a woman in a relationship needs sex just as much as guys do, and if she's not getting any, she's not going to be happy. He either doesn't know that, or, more likely, just doesn't care, but you can't live that way, so you and he need to work out a solution that you can both live with.

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What Guys Said

(19)

  • Pardon me being straight lady, wrong site!

    G@G is flooded with single desperate INCELs and promiscuous youths. Only a handful are "happily married".

    May i suggest, go to another site for a better answer (and possibly better solution).

    Feel for you. And please don't give up.

  • I choose that often enough too. Well, the wife is sorta tedious to be blunt. I made a habit of getting girls off at least one time during foreplay and going down before I go to the intercourse. I stuck to that religiously. I never went almost-straight to intercourse except for one time when I was super aggressive and I ended up with a wife sobbing in tears saying I felt like a totally different person. Instead, I always spent lots of time down there. I figured girls out. Bring them to ecstasy land at least there if not what I would do after.

    But that takes time, preparation. Jerking off don't take any. I just grab some tissue and lotion. All good! I don't have to do like lelulalulelu. I don't even have to be romantic. I could be in my PJs growing a half-beard, all slob and ugly, and just jerk off! Awesome!

    Like I'm the type where I offended some girls before in the past, including my wife, because I didn't wanna kiss them. And they don't they were the problem. But I'm the problem. I wasn't feeling sexy and I suspected my breath stank (I brush three times a day -- I have a quirk about fresh breath and they caught me off-guard). They keep thinking it's their fault when they could be sort of stinky and sweaty and ugly and I'd still wanna have my way with them.

    But then we go to gym together and I get the adrenaline! I wanna take her clothes off. Then she complains that she is sweaty. And I'm not like, "I don't mind!" But she is doing her, "I don't feel sexy thing too."

    And you know, I usually work these things out. But sometimes it's way more convenient to just jerk it out.

  • Your husband is either dumb as a rock, or is cheating on you somehow. Assuming your telling the whole story anyway.

    If I had a wife I sure as heck wouldn't pass up sex with her anyway, so somethings' totally wrong with this guy, either he needs counselling or he's cheating or someone hit him in the head at work or something's wrong anyway. See a doctor or therapist right away, and if that doesn't work divorce him.

  • The issue is probably that he may be bored with the sex. Same positions and same results. I don’t think it’s based on looks. Also, he may tire if he has to go too long to satisfy you (not that this is right - just his perspective) so rather than go through all that exertion he’d rather masturbate. The only other issue might be that he can imagine other women in his mind and it works better for him. Just my best guess.

  • Perhaps the sex has always been at the same time of day, in the same place, in the same position, etc., and it's not as exciting as it was when it was new with you. Try different things, for example some toys from a sex shop (e. g. vibrators, lubes, nipple clips, dildos, cock rings, etc.), role playing, or sex games. Watch porn together and try whatever is happening onscreen. Take photos or make your own porno. Go to a nude beach or adult resort. Think about having sex in different locations such as in the shower, kitchen, outdoors, white watching TV, in a vehicle, etc. Try a different position besides you on your back such as cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, or sitting on his face. If you usually have sex in the dark, try it with the lights on. Play a game like cards where the loser has to do whatever the winner wants sexually. Try tying him up and having your way with him and vice versa. If you have a bush, shave it or trim it. Shave his pubes if he doesn't already. If you usually have intercourse, try a titty fuck, or giving him a hand job or blowjob. Swallow his cum if you don't usually provided you're both okay with it. Invite him to eat you to orgasm. Play with food, for example licking whipped cream off each other. If he still isn't interested it could be he is a porn addict, has a medical issue such as E. D., is stressed, needs counselling, is drunk, or is on a medication that is lowering his sex drive. Communication is key.

    • This is way off the mark. He is the vanilla, I am the wild one.

    • Sorry I misunderstood. Perhaps couple's counselling would help.

  • It's quicker, easier, less messy and usually just as fulfilling. I am the same way as your husband and the reason I don't engage with sex anymore is because it's boring, could be worth looking into no matter you are being told.

  • This sounds strange to me. Even though it is normal for a man to masturbate while also in a sexually active relationship, if things are healthy then he won't mind having her watch, or participate in some way.

  • Sexual performance anxiety

  • I find this very upsetting.
    Most people masturbate, men and women. But having a by sex girl as a wife, if he likes masturbating why not let you do it for him. Specially if you are naked and playing with your self.
    Plus how does he masturbate , does he just do it or does he watch porn to get him in the mood
    .

    • He just does it

    • Strange. Have had a talk to him about this. It can be grounds for divorce..

  • I would say because you or his past makes him feel insecure or bad I'm self cuz women out there these days expect this great thing about a guy all around there's so much pressure on the guys to be able to do all this and to have that it comes down to it you're not able to get him to do what you want to do you're going to have to reassure him

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