My boyfriend is scared that pedophilia is genetic because of his brother. What can I do to help him?

Question

2 months ago my BFs brother was charged with sexual assault of a minor. His brother is 28 and the girl is 13. They were "in a relationship". Both say the act was consensual and the girl is trying to fight on his behalf. Obviously it doesn't matter if the act was consensual or not. She is a literal child and he is 15 years older. Its fucking disgusting. Anyways, he is going to prison for quite some time.

For like a week my boyfriend was acting really off. He was sulking all the time, hardly speaking or eating. wouldn't go anywhere near my daughter or interact with her. Couldnt sleep without waking up in a complete nightmare. He was getting maybe like 2 hours of sleep if that a night. He said he needed to clear his head and went to the boat launch (its abandoned and he goes there to play guitar whenever he is in his head). He came back home in an uber, completely wasted.

At this point he started full on freaking out and bawling his eyes out. He is terrified that pedophilia is genetic. My daughter is almost 9. He is scared to death and kept saying over and over again that he is afraid that if it is genetic, maybe one day a flip will switch and he will "become a pedophile". I asked him straight up if he felt some type of way toward my daughter and he literally vomited at the thought. Started up-chucking every single ounce of contents in his stomach. He said that there is no way that he thinks of my child like that. I have tried reassuring him that pedophilia is not genetic but more a mental thing (I wouldn't call is a disorder like other people have but if you are attracted to children you are obviously mentally fucked in the head). He is still terrified and won't interact with my kid. What can I do to help him?

TonyV · Accepted Answer

Definitely not genetic. I agree with you that it isn't a mental disorder.

Was your boyfriend real close with his brother?
My geuss is they got along great, had similar views and opinions and now he's second geussing himself cause he was so self a lined with someone who turned out to be a pedo.
Like if they both liked all the same things before this and agreed on everything I could see why he would be afraid they agree on pedo thoughts too.
This is a major world shattering event to him.
He needs to realize no matter how similar him and his brother were they are not the same, his brother was undoubtedly lying about certain things in order to keep this deep dark secret of his hidden.

he's going to need time to get over it and honestly, with a life event like this he may benefit from getting some counseling, sounds like he could really benefit from a professional helping him sort out his thoughts, concerns and fsrlings.

EaterPeter · Accepted Answer

Be supportive. Listen to him. Ask for permission before giving solutions. Think of communication and giving solutions as consentual sex. One time consent is not a life time consent. He must be torn apart between family and doing right thing. If you cannot give him advise without conflict of interest he is better off with professional both brothers and father too if needed. Whole family I mean.

harvest · Answer

1. Call a police on your boyfriend's brother.
2. Tell your boyfriend that pedophilia is not genetic and it's created by distortions in the brain (random ones) or disturbing environment in which you were raised.

Time2BCrazy · Answer

Your partner is a fucking idiot. You can't help that level of retard.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

I think the best you can do is to be supportive and suggest that he talk to a counselor. Does he have a drinking problem?

boggboss · Answer

Your boyfriend is a retard thats thinking like a spam

jshm2 · Answer

He's bullshitting.  He probably has sympathies for his brother, and is scared he might do the same thing. Tell him to get some therapy and fix himself up.

rc321 · Answer

I don't think this forum is the proper place for a question this serious. I do feel that being supportive and understanding of your husband right now is important. Genetics may or may not play a part but another guide maybe there experiences such as trauma, abuse and etc. Although they maybe family what they went through is different.
I could consider counseling for him to help him overcome.

Agape93 · Answer

He’s a dumb fuck. It’s not genetic, it’s a choice.

Dragonpurple · Answer

I thought I read somewhere awhile ago that it could be genetic but regardless of what is genetic or not people have a choice to override that.

Alcoholism is genetic, they know that... choose not to drink. Genetic does not mean it has to happen, I even know gay people who will never ever do any gay acts because they choose not to and choose to stay single.

There is always a choice, we are not slaves to our genetics.

I'd just comfort him, keep that level of trust so he can feel like he can talk to you. He will have to come to terms on this but also needs to understand that its also possible his brother isn't actually a pedophile, he may just like someone younger... and she may look much older than she is. Genetics in humans say we can start having kids in our teens... and maybe she pursued him and yes he should of said hell no, but might not be about genetics at all. Might just be his bad choices and inability to say no to sex.

Neko911 · Answer

Sorry but you sorta need to tell him to stop being stupid. Either he does have small thoughts like that and it's freaking him out or he's actually dumb and thinks a sexual orientation (sadly that's what it is. Even if it's gross) is genetic because it's not and he's old enough to know that

worldscolide · Answer

Just because his brother did a thing does not mean he will...

I know this is not the same thing, But as an adult i was, and still am a bit afraid of something similar. My father raped me as a child, He did this over a period of 3 years. Worst part of this is my mother watched and egged him on. She felt like it was punishment for me, any time i did something bad she would threaten me with what my dad did to me. I spent years in therapy addressing this, I was and still am a bit afraid that i might visit the same fate on my kids, even though the idea makes me physically sick.. I dont believe i will do anything like that, but in the past i was afraid of it.

Andres77 · Answer

Every person has a choice in everything they do, although they may not "feel like they have a choice". Wrong doing is still wrong.

There's a movie with Jennifer Lopez called Red Cell. The villain is a serial killer who'd been abused as a little boy. Lopez helps the FBI (Vince Vaughn) with the case. At the very end lopez's character suggests that maybe he didn't have a choice but to lash out and hurt others. Vaughn's character says basically, no, not every abuse victim becomes an abuser, hinting that he'd been abused himself.

My grandfather was an evil man and did unspeakable things to my mom and aunt and uncle. When I learned about what he'd done I had the same fear as your boyfriend. So I was extra careful around kids and took my time having a family myself. But it sank in that I always have a choice and I don't want to hurt anyone anyways and even curiosity about a kid ends up hurting the kid, though some pedophiles might try to justify anything. I don't fear that at all anymore. I'm always appropriate with my kids. They know why. I'm extra careful around my daughter's friends. Side hugs only... if they initiate the hug (I never do), I'm never alone with any of her friends. I never pick up or drop off her friends alone. My daughter always goes with me. I try to set it up so I can't be falsely accused because no possibility ever exists. So the friends are safe, their parents know we take their daughter's safety seriously and I can never be falsely accused.

Therapy helps a lot. Him ignoring your daughter or running from her isn't so great but putting a security camera in the house might have the added benefit of him knowing that he's being recorded and IF he were tempted that the camera was helping protect the girl.
Therapy... I can't stress this enough. If you're thinking long term with this guy therapy as a family would help a lot.
Delicate and immensely important stuff.
Good luck.
I hope you all find what you need.

Lone_wolf122 · Answer

No worry he seems like a good guy.. Very responsible too.. If he blocked all the bad people and bad thoughts he'll be fine

DiegoO · Answer

Is not genetic, but antisocial behaviors are in part genetic. He obviously is scared to death. "If his brother did that, maybe there is something wrong in his family", that's understandable.

Both of you should go to therapy. That's the disaster criminals leave in the family, specially when the crime is undoubtly extreme.

Wise4myage · Answer

Show him proof that its not genetically transmissible, he could also get a therapists opinion.

Wwwyzzerdd · Answer

You always have a choice not to assault children.

SirJohn42 · Answer

I think you get right down to the issue. He has to have some kind of impure thought. He wouldn't act so scared.

COMMODOREII · Answer

First off.
Hebephilia is the strong, persistent sexual interest by adults in pubescent children who are in early adolescence, typically ages 11–14 and showing Tanner stages 2 to 3 of physical development.[1] It differs from pedophilia (the primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children), and from ephebophilia (the primary sexual interest in later adolescents, typically ages 15–19).[1][2][3] While individuals with a sexual preference for adults may have some sexual interest in pubescent-aged individuals,[2] researchers and clinical diagnoses have proposed that hebephilia is characterized by a sexual preference for pubescent rather than adult partners.

It was not pedophilia. Plus i am sure there was genuine love there somewhere but they would have to follow the laws of where are they located. Where did this happen anyway?

Twalli · Answer

Pedophilia isn't genetic. Maybe he needs to see a psychologist to reassure him. Either that or maybe everyone on here saying it's not genetic will convince him. If it would help him you can make sure he's not ever alone with your daughter. Say that while you trust him with her, you will help him until he trust himself with her.

Valnac · Answer

Sounds like he could use some counseling.

bjaddict · Answer

he's worrying too much about that

My boyfriend is scared that pedophilia is genetic because of his brother. What can I do to help him?

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