Sexual Relationships
+1 y

How do you get over insecurity and feeling anxious?

How do I improve security, more trust in others and less anxiousness.

Lately I'm anxious all of the time because my boyfriend masterbated to hot women in sexy underwear and bra's... it just worries me if he has sexual attraction for any other women that he thinks is very attractive looking.

How do I bulid up more security in myself and not get all anxious and jealous when he glances at other attactive women now and again or even if he happens to check them out?

I know he will never cheat before anyone says that he is with me and loves me. That's not the point though and doesn't make me feel any way better.

Is there a way that I can be comfortable with myself to the point it won't effect me if he does it?
Updates:
+1 y
I forgot to mention that he masterbated when we were six months together.
0 0

Superb Opinion

  • Sorry you’re going through a rough time battling with your emotions, insecurities, and your boyfriend :/
    Are these women whom he masturbated to are from porn, IG models, or well-known people off the internet? Is it more occurring than having sex? Have you had this talk with him?
    In a psychological perspective, we all have different type of attachments. It deals with your past and your relationship with your parents growing up that affects how you view yourself and your current relationships.
    We all have insecurities and it’s normal, but it doesn’t seem to be healthy for you to continue to feel an increase of anxious and sad emotions over your boyfriend... :/ nobody deserves to feel that way in a relationship. I’ve been there and it wasn’t a happy place either, so I left. I think once you’re aware why you feel the way you do, why you wanna work on your insecurities or why you have them, why you don’t want him to do that, and what will make you happier will bring out a lot of self-awareness as the first step.
    If you haven’t already talk to your man about it, I would suggest having a heart to heart talk to hear both sides, better understand each other, and what can you guys do moving forward to make the both of you happy.
    Insecurities, I’m not sure of the details, it’s about learning to accept what you view as imperfect, what are your flaws, who you are now.. working in the areas you aren’t too happy about for self-improvement.. or learning to embrace that it’s a part of you and it’s beautiful in its own way. I know it’s not as easy as I’m writing all of this. It is a process and journey learning to accept, love yourself, and build yourself. Sorry this is lengthy, but I hope it somewhat helps 🥺

    • What kind of helped me to overcome some insecurities in the past is writing down what I like about myself, what I enjoy, what have I accomplished, and such is also one of the ways to learning to love yourself better... but we all have our own journey to overcome each their own of course. I actually also realize I have relationship anxiety, I had to learn that self-awareness is so important in these moments that I’m doing that to myself and then learning to redirect those negative thoughts/emotions/triggers/past. It’s definitely a process... but you can do it~

    • Thanks very much, I really appreciate you're advice and I know it's mainly because of my past and my attachment style. I just hope that I can get through it and become secure in myself etc. I want to be able to have a relationship and not be anxious all of the time. Not to mention comparing myself to the women that he finds attractive.

    • Your welcome, I hope it gives some new insights if you haven’t gotten it already. I think it’s good you already know some of it. The next thing is just learning to navigate through it...(I get it, something I’m still working on myself) unfortunately I can’t give you any clinical advices on this... but for me I have to learn I need to break out of it... you can do it... maybe you need time to heal from your past (takes time)... maybe you have to let go some of the hurt and focus on what’s important now that doesn’t tied up to it... hopefully your boyfriend is a good guy that can be supportive... but you can always get support from trustworthy people you can go to such as friends and family... finding the right therapist for 1:1 or group sessions can be helpful to navigate the root of it tying to your present challenges... and just reminding yourself who you wanna be.. and you’ll get there where you’ll feel more confident and at ease for sure ❤️ we all have our own hardships to overcome.. and we’re always battling with ourselves tbh. About your relationship, I don't know if you talked to him yet, hopefully you can discuss about your concerns and what are some ways he can help you feel more love and reassured. If he’s not a good dude nor respectful, maybe it’s a sign to dipped because we all deserve to be with someone who makes us happy and feel love.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • So you never see a guy on the street and think "wow he's good looking?"

    Masturbating and finding other people attractive is normal in a relationship.

    • No to be honest. Maybe in work the very odd time but I don't think in a sexual way if that is what you're asking and I would rather if my partner masterbated in front of me rather than to some random attractive woman to be honest. I'm probably just old fashioned though

    • I wouldn't say old fashioned... Unrealistic perhaps. I mean you could ask him if that is something he is interested in but chances are he will still look at porn. That has absolutely nothing to do with you or his attraction to you. My boyfriend of 5 nearly 6 years looks pics and videos on Reddit of girls all the time. I watch him do it, I've caught him masturbating multiple times. He isn't any less attracted to me because he is looking at other girls. I get the insecurities, sometimes I look at what he is looking at and I see these girls with beautiful bodies and I get jealous. That's also normal but don't let it get to you. My bfs and i's relationship has gotten to the point where he will literally show me pics of a girl and ask me what I think of her (I am attracted to women also). I highly doubt your boyfriend would prefer these women over you. They are just pictures, you are the whole package.

    • I understand but I feel when he does it. I feel like I'm not good enough, pretty enough and wonder why would he want to do that with other women instead of masterbating to me?

Most Helpful Guys

  • So, to porn, to girls online? The latter some may see it as cheating, others no. My ex thought doing sex cam while in relationship, is cheating, beside the obvious. What would be cheating for you and him?

    I get your insecurity but you gotta understand that it depends on you, not on what your boyfriend do or don't do. If you both feel an atraction, the atraction needs to be mutually appreciated and respected. If he doesn't respect that appreciation that is not open , but exclusive, then you need to remind him that you didn't agree to have an open relationship, but an exclusive one, with you and him only, romantically and sexually.

    • What if he don't seem to care? Ask yourself the reason you are into a relationship, and if your happiness and/or your emotional stability is aligned with what you are seeking.

    • He said that he is willing to change his bad habits because he loves me and wants a future with me. I will give him the chance to change maybe even get professional help in doing so but I do think it's very disrespectful towards me and the girl that he does be checking out.

    • Online girl, ok. Beside individual therapy, both of you need to do therapy, together. Now, don't expect him to change for you. Everyone change for very personal reasons, which is his reason? If it's only you, he'll not reach that far. It gotta be one that defies his present perception. That's his struggle. You got your own, and in your case, is your responsability to be perceptive to your emotions, ask yourself questions like: "Am I ok with my family, am I ok with friends, am I ok with my boyfriend, am I ok with my self?" Give yourself an automatic response (yes or no), then jump to the key question, why? Linking yourself to the now, the present; matching it with the past, and review what worth or who worth in your life, and what/who don't. Is important your partner know about your past. The things you lived and haunts you. Everything under the guidance of a mental health assistance. If you haven't told him (do it in therapy) he will not have well defined understanding of what you lived and how it influenced your behavior. He also should open up to what he lived. In other words, if there is not an assertive understanding of each other emotional state, the relation is gonna be conflictive. Is why LDR fail. There are to many gaps in those types of relationships. I am not saying you should tell everything what's in your mind, I am saying that is important to speak out with your partner, life changing situations, experiences that influenced your behavior; without having the need to tell specific details.

  • It's "all in your head", so you improve by thinking things through and understand WHY you feel insecure in the first place. WHY?

    For one thing, you're basing how "you think" on what "he does", and in this case, you don't understand men or why they do what they do. It doesn't matter how hot, how gorgeous, how much a guy loves a woman - he doesn't EVER stop finding other women attractive. Guys who tell you otherwise are in denial !! You're letting that mess with your own self worth, and you shouldn't.

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 18

  • A great way to start is finding a good therapist and working on the issue. A good one can really help.

  • I tried being completely naked 2-3 hours a day when I was alone and it made me feel better, maybe it worked for you too

    • I'm very self conscious of my body to be honest. Thanks anyway

    • Actually he does have a good point though. I have body image issues myself and have slowly found that sleeping naked and spending time going about your daily routine naked has helped me a lot with feeling more at ease about my insecurities and more comfortable with my body. It's been a bit of a gradual process and at first it can be uncomfortable to an extent or after a bit of time. Gradually spending longer increments of time being naked has actually made more of a difference than I ever thought it could. I feel more comfortable and confident seeing myself naked and being that way.

    • I sleep naked but not walk around naked because I live with my boyfriend's parents, sister and her husband 🤣

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  • I think you simply need to exercise your trust muscles, with family and friends. Try to lean into them emotionally.

    I also would consider reading a self esteem book

    How do you get over insecurity and feeling anxious?

    And learning to find your inner peace with a book for that too 🤔

    How do you get over insecurity and feeling anxious?

  • It sounds like trust issues based on your past

    • I did have a very rough past to be honest. I was cheated on, abused by my foster dad and sexually harrassed by two guys that were in my class in school.

    • I never had much support either when growing up.

    • Sorry, that’s horrible :(. Did you get help in therapy?

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  • Alcohol

    • Not a bad idea.

  • Dude. You get used to looking at the same old body all the time. That is just a fact. You have to do something to spice it up. I mean if it makes him horny I see no problem with it.

  • Does he do it regularly? If not, then just accept that occasionally he wants a change of pace and be glad it's in a way with no STD's.

    • Now and again yes. I know all men do it no matter how attractive their girlfriend is but is it possible for a guy to think she's very attractive without the sexual thoughts to it?

    • Even though he masterbated to a good looking woman in a photo and was just thinking she was good looking with nothing else? Do men get turned on just by seeing a very attractive woman without the sexual desire to it?

  • Guys are going to masturbate. That's just the way it is.

  • So, you feel insecure about yourself, right? What do you feel insecure about? Can you explore this insecurity and tell me more precisely what's behind it? What specific fears are associated to that insecurity (for example, fear of not being good enough)?

    • Fear of not being good enough, attractive enough, fear of my boyfriend thinking sexual thoughts when seeing other very attractive women.

    • What makes you think you are not good enough or not attractive enough? Isn't your last fear basically fearing that he would abandon you, particularly for someone else?

    • I feel like that when he looks at other women that he finds attractive or when he checks them out. Yes and no if that makes any sense. I know he wouldn't cheat on me and I know he loves me but my main fear is if he is having lust thoughts when seeing them or desire.

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  • Look at yourself nude in a full mirror.
    Run your fingers over your tits and feel the power of them, how full and your nipples so sensitive. Run them down your stomach to your pussy mound and feel the warmth.
    Now imagine a man seeing you in that sexual pose and the control you have over him.

    • Not actually a bad idea! I will give that a go thank you! :)

  • men are all like that... I know, they can and will be faithful, but that's up to you and them...

  • Practice.

  • Seek professional help I did and I found it beneficial

  • Im not sure just focus on being confident

  • Maybe you have to talk with other more than before

  • Try the same maybe chat to guys as he does things like that help

  • all the time

  • think about when he jerks off to you. and also you can't stop someone from being attracted to someone else. haven't you been physically attracted to other guys while you're with him? did you cheat on him? that answers your own questions

    • either that or just date a robot

    • It's just the lust thoughts I'm worried about i don't mind if he notices another attactive woman once he isn't checking them out or having any sexual thoughts after that I don't mind.

    • again read my first response. have you at any point?

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