Break up over his sexual fantasy - right?

[laracr0ft]

Hey everyone,

I don't know if this was a big mistake. My boyfriend was always loving and kind during our relationship of 4 years. I discovered a tendency to be bisexual during this relationship and asked him whether I could kiss a girl or even make out a bit,.. he said - after thinking about it for 6 months - yes you can. I had a date with a girl and almost kissed her but I didn't.

He also said if I am the only girl he sleeps with in his whole lifetime he'll be the luckiest man on earth.

Still, when I asked if he would participate in a FFM he said he wants to live it once.

Then I broke up with him as he would fuck another girl. He said it's not a must have for him. But it's something he wants/ would like to experience.

Is the break up okay, or am I totally wrong? And: Would it be totally legit if I wasn't bisexual? Cause I think then he'd still like to f another girl together with me...

we have a bad past. maybe that's why I snapped. I feel guilty for breaking up bc of a wish. I hope you guys won't judge me. I am the nicest girl ever normally. I just don't unterstand my rage quit.

Lots of thanks for reading!

[NathanDavis]

I would like to point out that a fantasy is not a wish, there is a great difference, a wish is something you really want it to happen, and given the chance you would consider it.

Fantasies however, belong to la-la-land, it is all in your minds, and they belong there for the most part ( yes there are exceptions in which people actually go for fantasies to be a thing, it depends on what is it)

but you also mentioned a past, and that you snapped, so there were more things involved, and maybe this was the "last drop", that made you decide for this. But it was just talking about fantasies, it might have been impulsive.

[laracr0ft]

Thank you so much! To specify this: I asked him if this is something he would want to experience. He said: Yeah I want / would like to experience it, with you. So that is definitely a wish right?

[NathanDavis]

If it took him six months for him to say he was okay with you kissing with another girl, this means that he actually cares about the consequences and implications of this. If this is he something he wanted and wished in advance, he would have said yes right away And I am almost certain, that in those six months he also considered the possibility of YOU in the first place, wanting to explore some more and maybe go fore more, so I really think he anticipated that, and also gave it a thought. So when the moment happened and you presented him with the question if he would do more, chances are that he assumed this is something you wanted to consider and this would have been about your wishes too, not just his. I do think his approach to all this was very cautious and considering towards you, since you started it and brought all this up. All of his answer seem to be centered in you, you did matter to him.

[laracr0ft]

Ohhh. I'm grateful for this answer. I might be an idiot. But - in context I think it was like this. I asked him very excited that I think I would like to kiss a girl.. maybe a little bit more. And then I asked him: Some careless guys would like to join.. you too? (I feel so bad for this question). Then he was like.. I had this fantasy before and I think I could like it in reality. But I would only do it under xy circumstances. For 6 months he told me No to a solo tour, then he said I could kiss / sleep with a woman once. And when I asked him again, if he would like a ffm once he admitted.. yes I actually would like to experience it. So I think he liked it in advance but still I was the one mentioning it. Maybe he would never have talked about this without my asking.. what do you think?

[NathanDavis]

There has to be a differentiation still, one thing are fantasies, and the other is actual life As for the fantasies I can assure you we men have many of them, because that's just what they are, fantasy thoughts. Then there's another stage, in which we really entertain certain fantasies in our minds, and this could be different for everyone, I would say "celebrity crushes" are the most common ones. For example, this or that celebrity woman... if we ever had a chance to make any wild fantasy actually happen, most men will think absolutely yes, I would do it, but that is just wishful thinking, based in no reality whatsoever. So, there are other kind of things, fantasies like casual sex, sex in public, threesomes, twins or whatever.. these are more likely to happen under certain circumstances. And still, as much as we could think we want it, and as much as "safe and easy" they could be, we are still not going to do it right away because of the consequences that can come, in real life with real impact. I can personally tell you that there has been a couple of chances in which I could really position myself in a situation that could make some things happen, and these would have been things that in fantasy land, I thought and always felt too, wouldn't that be something exciting... But this life is very real, and the real me, is not my fantasies... continued

[NathanDavis]

n your case, I really think you are his real life, you come first, before any thought or actual contemplation of any fantasy he may have. You presented him with choices, and made him come to a conclusion, he felt safe enough to open himself to those possibilities, and then he just had to be honest with himself and with you, and decided to risk it, with you, for you too, not just himself by the way, this outcome was exactly why I actually would not consider a threesome with certain people, I would have to be 1000000000% sure that my girlfriend would be a million percent into it and really want it, and also able to handle it, after it all happens. I think he took those six months, exactly for this, to convince himself that it would be worth to risk on this life trip with you.

[laracr0ft]

Wow, those words helped me a lot. Now I know the difference between fantasy and the I would do it. So anything we think yeah that would be great in real life and we think I want to do it in real life - is still a fantasy as long as we don't do it right away? Because above you said a wish is something we'd do given the chance. That's super interesting. I can totally relate to these things like celebrity crushes maybe we think "absolutely yes I would do it" and also with a threesome "yeah I would do it under the right circumstances". My boyfriend also told me that he'd never do it if it was risking something.. Guess I was just jealous that he was considering it. Under the right circumstances.. Ok your words are leaving me wondering.. that's a shift in my perspective here.

[DJB72]

You opened the door by asking him if you could kiss another girl. You had a date with a girl. You asked him if he'd have an FFM threesome. Given the way you described it he probably thought you were inviting him to have another girl join you.

Then you break up with him for saying yes to a concept.

The majority of guys have, at some point, had the fantasy of two girls. If you want a guy who hasn't, you'll find it's a small pool to draw from and most of the guys in it are gay.

You owe him an apology at least. In his position, I'd forgive you, but I'd find it hard to ever trust you again.

You left him because of a thought pattern. Orwell would be proud.

You get 1980 points, plus a bonus 4.

[MeghanL]

I'll begin by saying that I'm not being judgmental. You're asking for opinions so here is mine.

You asked him if he would be OK with you making out with another person, which he agreed to, & so you did. But then you break up because you interpret his willingness to go on a 3-way as wanting someone in addition to you. This after asking if he wanted to.

The way I see it, this is a double-standard. They are unfair by their very nature. I agree with the other poster that it's also entrapment.

Whether you're bi is irrelevant, I believe you treated him unfairly. I would not care to be treated like that.

[laracr0ft]

But what is a threesome but wanting someone in addition to me? But it is a massive Double standard, I agree. I wanted someone Else and thought i Had the right to be Angry bc He wanted a threeway

[MeghanL]

And what is you making out with a woman? Wanting someone besides him. Sorry, but the differences you perceive are but technicalities, the situations are substantially the same as far as I can tell.

[laracr0ft]

This is so true. I think be have a bad History so maybe it’s the reason. But: double standards are MY responsibility. Thank you for also Opening my eyes.

[laracr0ft]

But like.. you Know. Is it better if we BOTH want someone else or ain‘t that worse?

[MeghanL]

Better if you have similar feelings, you would each better understand the other. Worse if one of you were the possessive type. But if you enjoyed making out with a woman & he wanted a 3-way it seems easy to put those together. Good luck! 😊

[laracr0ft]

All thanks to you @meghanl you really helped a lot. Maybe I'll be able to live it up another time.. With a person with a better past. Lots of greetings to you.

[MeghanL]

😊😊😊

[JassKaur]

Girl you broke his heart because of something like that? One doesn't simply break up like its a "rage quit". He didn't breakup with you when you said you want to kiss another girl, so why did you breakup with him? Yes you did mess up here, and I don't mean to rub salt in the wound but this scenario is the definition of double standards.

[laracr0ft]

I did.. maybe you can read our story above. But that's true. I think he didn't break up with me because he was saying "it is no other person it is just another girl and a one time shot". But still.. yeah. He was okay with that while I was not. Thanks for your nice words.

[AustinMan]

What is WRONG with you? You offer him a FFM and then break up with him because he says yes? That's blatant entrapment and you should be ashamed of yourself. You brought it up!!!

[laracr0ft]

No if you‘d read everything, I Never offered it. I asked some Men would like to experience this in real life, what about you? Where is the offer? But yeah, I brought it up.

[AustinMan]

Yes you did and you wronged him grievously.

[laracr0ft]

A question is only an offer if you want to hear an offer.

[AustinMan]

He gave you an honest answer with no idea where you stood. Had you given him any idea how you felt, I'm confident he'd have been more discreet. Fantasizing about something is light years from doing it.

[CrazyGirl2]

100% agree!

[CrazyGirl2]

(Oops) sorry, 100% agree with Austin!

[AustinMan]

@CrazyGirl2 Thanks for the support.

[CrazyGirl2]

You’re welcome sweetie

[CrazyGirl2]

So what was it… was he “always kind and loving” or did you have “a bad past”? They can’t both be true. Also if that really happened… It was unbelievably disgusting! It’s okay you YOU to actually date other people and it’s okay for YOU to literally ask him if he wants to do something, but if he answers honestly, you dump his ass! Wow, did HE escape that one!

[laracr0ft]

Please read the Story in the Comments above! Thanks for your opinion. I clearly See you as belonging to the „she is satan“ fraction

[CrazyGirl2]

Well as a “She” myself, NO, I don’t believe women are Satan. Lara, I am not “judging YOU” but you did ask us if it was a terrible thing to do… yes it was! Look, you told him you wanted to be with girls, he loved you enough to give you the space to try it. Now, maybe you wanted him to say no! Who knows? But then YOU (not him), you brought up the idea of bringing another girl into your bed, so YOU could explore YOUR sexuality, and when he agreed to that, and confided that it was something he also wanted to do, YOU DUMPED HIM! Don’t forget, regardless of his fantasies, HE never brought up the idea, YOU DID! so YES! I would say he escaped! He escaped someone who either doesn’t know what she wants, or LOVES to play head games? Either way it was a terrible thing to do! Lara, if you don’t want to hear things that might upset you, don’t ask these type of questions! All humans are different, no matter what situation you come up with, some people will say it’s ok, and others will say it’s NOT okay!

[Paris13]

I feel if you both Really Loved each Other, NO OTHER. Maybe Best from the Rest to Call it Quits. xx

[razelove]

Ha, nicest girl, you're so manipulative it makes me envious of the skill level there. You got him to accept that you want to seek affection and love elsewhere... while he cannot. Then you took it a mile further, "hey baby, when I hook up with one of these women, would you like to join in?" "That does sound nice baby!" "You fucking whore, I can't believe you! bwa huhuh"

Seriously, you took fucking with his head to a new level on that one. I mean, yeah, you're totally in the wrong and you know it, you're just searching for a new way to manipulate him back in a standing where you hold even more power in the relationship and he can't even have FANTASIES YOU PUT THERE!

Wow, seriously, if you offer lessons on how to mindfuck, sign me up, you are a natural.

[laracr0ft]

Hey yeah if I ever need money, I'll let you know and sign you up

[loves2learn]

I’m not understanding why you broke up with him. Sounds like a communication breakdown.

[laracr0ft]

I think it was his.. Yeah I'd like to live up the threesome. That was the reason for me. Is that reasonable?

[loves2learn]

If you are both ok with it it’s completely reasonable. I have several mom friends who do 3somes. It’s more common than we think because people are afraid to talk about it. These are the 3 dynamics I typically see: 1. Find a unicorn that’s interested on tinder, have a one time 3some. 2. Find a unicorn who is interested in sort of a casual long-standing 3some relationship with you 2. 3. You both fall in love with another woman, you all play house together amazing and become a throuple. I’m thinking the first one I mentioned is what you would like, yes? And communicate, communicate beforehand. All 3 of you. What’s ok, what isn’t.

[loves2learn]

@laracr0ft do you want to set a boundaries that he doesn’t have sex with her? Maybe he can watch both of you. You could have her lick you while he’s fucking you. Things like that. He might not have even meant he wanted to sleep with another girl. 3somes take different forms.

[wingattebaby16]

well, you are bi - curious at least.

He knows you like girls too.

you asked him if he would do FFM.. then when he was honest, you got mad!

and obviously you wanted to do FFM, since you like girls, and would not have even suggested it to him if you did not want to do it.

Yea, you messed up big time.

can you go back to him and apologize and get him back as your boyfriend?

if so, i would then give him the gift of FFM to show you are not mad anymore.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. When you asked if you could kiss or make out with another girl, you told him that what he has been giving you is not enough to satisfy all of your sexual desires. You then actually went on a date with a girl.

2. Perhaps you felt guilty about that, or maybe you wanted a way to get into a sexual situation with another female without feeling guilty, so you then offered to have a FFM threesome with your boyfriend. And when he answered you as honestly as you answered him (when you said you wanted to make out with a girl,) you went nuts and broke up with him.

WTF do you want?

[nevernevernever]

you're either a troll or seriously narcissistic. Completely disregarding the fact that you wanted an open relationship, some people have fantasies, you straight up asked him if he would like that and he said yah. Why ask if you didn't want to know? it sounds like he's very open and understanding about your sexual exploration, but you can't even give him the courtesy of allowing him to express a fantasy you asked him about without breaking up with him. In addition, if you've been messing around with girls and then asked if he wanted a FFM you're strongly implying that's what you wanted too, it's messed up to break up with him for agreeing with it.

[laracr0ft]

Hey, no neither of it I wish. Narcissists don't feel shame blame or guilt and trolls have an easy life. Both's not the case obviously! :D But I agree with you on some points. I learnt that I can not propose an open relationship without giving him the same advantages. That's truly egocentric. I was thinking it was only a big deal if it is opposite sex at first. I feel like I shamed him. I was just asking about his fantasies. I would have been okay with yeah I have this ffm fantasy. But he said he wanted to live it up.. yes. That's what made it not a fantasy anymore for me. The last sentence - that's absolutely true.

[Red_Arrow]

Regardless of the sex of the person, you want to have relationships with people other than him. So why do you think it is okay for you to do that, but not okay for him to want to have a relationship with someone other than you? That is ridiculous thinking!

[ohshee]

It has nothing to do with all that it has something to do with he was not loyal and he just went out and found somebody else because he wanted to and he thinks that's okay know what you guys did was talk about yours wants or needs and you asked if it was okay,, where he just went out and cheated using u as an excuse to get away with it that's b*******

[rachel776]

all guys have this fantasy. i did it once and it was fine

[laracr0ft]

@rachel776 But do all guys want to turn this fantasy into Reality?

[rachel776]

they try

[Jamie05rhs]

I admit that it's an interesting fantasy, but I would NEVER do it in real life.

[spartan55]

Might be one the biggest overreactions I've ever heard.

[CriticalDiscourse]

You... asked him to participate in FFM and then you broke up with him because he said yes? That seems like you were shit-testing him and looking for an excuse to leave. You sound toxic and manipulative as hell, damn.

[CriticalDiscourse]

Also, why even ask the question (even if it wasn't an offer) and then get mad that he responded in a way you didn't like? Again, it seems like you were baiting him into a trap to find an excuse to break up.

[jessacat83]

I think you should give him another shot. The way that played out is basically entrapment. He may have answered the wrong that way because he assumed YOU wanted that, since you're bisexual. You went all the way to going on a date with someone else. I'm sure he wasn't saying he'd sleep with anyone without your permission. The situation makes it seem like you were offering him that or approved of the idea. It's unfair to hold an innocent fantasy against him. We can't control our fantasies & thoughts, only our actions.

[laracr0ft]

I totally agree with you. The last one. That's why I feel so bad. I shamed him.. because of a fantasy. But: Because he said he would act on that fantasy. That was somehow "more than a fantasy". I wish I could turn time back. Never ask this question again. Maybe then still I would have my boyfriend. My question arose because he told me he'd kissed a guy - a friend of him. Then I was like.. oh can I kiss a girl too? And then this stupid hypothetical ffm topic came up.. thank you for your answer. Also: Is it normal that "with permission" my boy would sleep with other girls? I felt really alone with that.

[jessacat83]

I think it's totally normal. Most guys have that fantasy, and they will 💯% take advantage of the opportunity to live it out if they can do so without being unfaithful by doing it with their partner. I know my boyfriend would be thrilled if I gave him the chance to do it. We've actually discussed it many times, even talked about the limits of what I am comfortable with him doing with her. For example, if I don't want him to actually have sex with her & just watch us etc. I'm not worried about it. Almost all the guys I know have said they'd like to have this experience but they wouldn't cheat on their girls for it.

[RickDavis677]

It's hypocritical for you to get to hook up with another person, but he can't.
I realize that your jealousy level is higher because he wants to be with another person of your sex.
You feel more threatened.
As soon as you decided to explore your desire for other women from within a monogamous relationship you're changing the dynamic and in response he's gonna want to explore his fantasy.

[laracr0ft]

That's the case here. Thanks for your wise words. I feel more threatened because it's the opposite sex. Then it'd be another woman, and she's a woman just like me. So you think, I provoked this, and the threesome - wish was not in his mind before? It's hard to believe that to me..

[RickDavis677]

After reading the details of your question I definitely think you provoked the situation. He was always loving and would've been happy if you were the only woman he ever slept with. Most people would enjoy being in a 3 way with 2 members of the opposite sex. That's common. I can only say, speaking for myself, I love women very deeply and I like monogamy. However, if the woman I loved suggested that she wanted to be with another woman I would be a bit jealous unless I got to participate and enjoy that other female too. Otherwise I would just feel left out and frustrated and a bit jealous.

[laracr0ft]

Oh yes.. Definitely.. I totally agree. Shit. I just thought it was super uncommon that he would ACT out this fantasy.. that was really disturbing me. I am really grateful for this thoughtful perspective. I inspired him. Just to stereotype him and reduce him at the same time. Shit.

[RickDavis677]

I'm glad if my thoughts mean anything. Some guys are very possessive of women and if my partner wants anyone else (even another woman) I'm going to feel like our agreement has been breached. I might act like it's no big deal, but I will probably lowkey hurt and try to adapt by wanting to get something out of it. That something, being a 3 way. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you guys, but I kinda think his reaction was typical to your actions. At least from my perspective. Good luck.

[laracr0ft]

Thanks, they mean a lot to me. Really. Could you please explain what you meant by "It was typical for your actions?" Thank you!

[RickDavis677]

Okay, being that it's Friday afternoon I've had a few drinks, but I'll try to explain it. I just meant that you had expressed your interest in other women to him and you even went on a date with a person outside of your relationship. I think he reacted similarly to how I would in that situation. I would feel that our monogamous relationship no longer exists and I'm just shocked. I'm confused and it's kind of a free for all now. If I don't try to get a 3 way then I'm just kind of a cuckold that's being disregarded. I think the instinct to want a 3 way is one that's typical in that scenario. Being bisexual you will likely encounter that with any man you try to be with.

[laracr0ft]

Uff that’s a real good life advice. Probably that‘s something men and in general all people would bring up this Tonic with a bisexual girlfriend. Maybe He just wanted to be part of the Fun.. who knows. It‘s really Not good that i was jealous but it‘s changing now. Thank you. Also in the beginning i felt a little sexualised. But now I Unterstand. Actually is it non monogamous when you Date people but don’t Kiss them just Flirt Enjoy your evening & your drink:)

[karenchick111]

He sounds like it was a good compromise for him to let you date another girl. Kinda sucks that he wouldn't fuck another girl for you. Have you ever asked him why? If you explain how important it is to you, maybe he will. It sounds like everything else is good and that he really loves you. I would ask to talk to him and ask him back before it's too late. Good luck.

[JPrez]

If you ask him about his fantasy and he tells you he wants a FFM - you then break up with him over that. Girl, if that's the case, you need to get your head straightened back on. All the guy did was tell you he like to do it but he didn't actually put his D in another girls V. Big difference. Geez, that's a bit much.

[laracr0ft]

That's exactly the point of interest. If I ask a guy about his fantasies.. and the answer is threesome. Those guys - they actually want to do it in real life? uff

[JPrez]

Wanting and doing are two different things though.

[Hermes-Paris]

Geeze. "Don't open the door if you aren't prepared to fight a tiger or hug a kitten on the other side." You shouldn't have asked him that. If someone broke up with me over that I would say good riddance. I'm sure he is working on setting up a FFM right now... Or maybe a FFFM

[RMcMaster1886]

From what I can see in that profile picture you look really cute.. If it were me in his position, I’d be fine with you kissing other women as long as you brought yourself home to be pleasured by me.. I’d also set some expectations with what is and isn’t acceptable so you don’t take my willingness for you to explore as a blank check to spread your legs for another guy.. As for HIS fantasy, if it’s beyond what he’s ok with you doing then he shouldn’t expect it to fly for him either

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

What the actual fuck? Sp basically you trapped him by asking for an FFM and dumped him when he obliged. Clearly he's trying to make YOUR wishes come true. And you just punished him for putting your wishes first. You seriously owe him a MASSIVE apology and pray to God or whatever-the-fuck that he takes you back. Seriously, woman up!